


this day, too

by acastle



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Childhood Sweethearts, Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Byun Baekhyun/Zhang Yi Xing | Lay, Minor Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Oh Sehun, Minor Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Oh Sehun, Panic Attacks, Reconciliation, Reconciliation Sex, Riding, Semi-Public Sex, Sleepy Sex, Slow Burn, Trigger Warning: Outing, mentions of stalkers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:55:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 71,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24323137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acastle/pseuds/acastle
Summary: “And,” Yixing says, not knowing any better of the awkwardness between them as he makes to introduce them to each other. “This is our leader-”“Minnie,” Chanyeol says, and in all of the time he had known him, Minseok’s never seen him with such a strained, hesitant smile. It doesn’t suit him. “Hi.”It’s been so long, since he’d heard that name from those lips. It used to bring him so much joy, such lightness in his heart, but. Now.(Minseok is the leader of Nation's Group CBX. Chanyeol is the childhood sweetheart he hadn't seen in almost a decade, their history with a bitter ending he'd rather forget. One day, their paths cross again when Chanyeol is hired as their newest music producer.)
Relationships: Kim Minseok | Xiumin/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 41
Kudos: 160





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is very long, and two years (and several mishaps and twitter breakdowns) in the making. but. we all get where we need to be.
> 
> several people encouraged me to keep going. a lot more than I can count, but: [@catboyxiu](https://twitter.com/catboyxiu), [@cbx_playdate](https://twitter.com/cbx_playdate) for reading through this mess to reassure me that it wasn't the chaos I though it was, and [@vrsehun](https://twitter.com/vrsehun), [@xiyubin](https://twitter.com/xiyubin), [@DeeLovesTwig](https://twitter.com/DeeLovesTwig), [@xiumincbx](https://twitter.com/xiumincbx), [@shimkoongie](https://twitter.com/shimkoongie), [@xiusaura](https://twitter.com/xiusaura), [@xiunnamoroll](https://twitter.com/xiunnamoroll), [@felicismoon](https://twitter.com/felicismoon), [@exoqweer](https://twitter.com/exoqweer), [@minshooked](https://twitter.com/minshooked), [@cbxtheones](https://twitter.com/cbxtheones), [@XIUMlNGOD](https://twitter.com/XIUMlNGOD), [@wdzstudio](https://twitter.com/wdzstudio), [@xiuminforev](https://twitter.com/xiuminforev), [@xiubaeke](https://twitter.com/xiubaeke), [@arohamoon](https://twitter.com/arohamoon), [@KpopOverloaded2](https://twitter.com/KpopOverloaded2) for sending me many words of encouragement.
> 
> heed the warnings well. CBX are a group of three members, and their fans are called rosettes, and the fandom color a coral-orange hue.
> 
> the more accepted romanization for the korean word for kiss is "bbobbo," or "ppoppo," but for the purposes of this fic, I had simplified it to "bobo."
> 
> there is inaccurate legal talk. please forgive me. 
> 
> there are mentions of recent events inspired by real-life exo here, and I hope my treatment of those, and the treatment of issues regarding sexuality in the idol industry will suffice. I have done my best to treat it all with respect and a delicate hand, and while the results I have imagined up may be unrealistic, and even idealistic, especially given the online climate of sk, I hope that what I had written can be considered as the minimum ideal, that more acceptance and love will be given to people regardless of who they loved and what they identified as and who they wanted to be with.

“Thank you for coming tonight. Please stay healthy until we see each other again,” Minseok says, smiling against his microphone as Jongdae and Baekhyun sidle up on either side of him, several of the gifts from the fans thrown on to the stage on their bodies; Baekhyun had a strawberry headdress jammed on to his head and Jongdae had a Beast Boy inflatable lifesaver around his waist. Minseok had indulged them and put on a furry cat hat with ears that would move with each squeeze of the paws at the end of the long ear flaps. 

“We will see you soon,” Baekhyun says, waving happily to the tens of thousands of fans with their blinking lightsticks waving at them. “Very soon! CBX comeba-“

“Ah, we’ll see you soon,” Minseok jabs at his side, making him cower a little, a bit more with the pointed glare he sends. He can already hear the sigh Junmyeon is making backstage.

“We love you, our Rosettes, please get home safely,” Jongdae says, throwing a little finger heart at them.

“Well say our goodbyes now,” Minseok says, taking their hands in each of his and raising them, saying, “Everyone, thank you!”

They bow and their fans scream, and when they stand back up, Minseok is saying into his microphone, “1, 2, 3. We are one-“

_ “We are ChenBaekXi!”  _ the arena screams with them, and they wave as they say goodbye, heading back to the curtains below the gigantic screen, and they play a bit of peek-a-boo before they leave to the back of the stage, and then there are several bottles worth of water doused on them. 

_ “Yah!”  _ he yells, but he’s laughing, Chen and Baekhyun joining in and throwing coolers of melting ice on him and each other. 

“What did we say about no spoilers?” Junmyeon is saying, frowning, but he’s clapping with the other back-up dancers and staff anyway. 

“Ah, Myeonnie, tonight you’re their friend, not their manager,” Jongin is saying, beaming and pinching his cheek bravely. He’s also wearing their merchandise, and that’s why he’s their favorite, even though his choreography often feels like death to perform. 

“I didn’t spoil anything, anyway,” Baekhyun is saying, grinning and giving Junmyeon a kiss on the cheek. He hides his wince poorly. “For me to do that, we’d have to have  _ something  _ to spoil.”

“Don’t ruin the mood, you just finished a tour,” Sehun says, and he squeezes Minseok’s butt as he passes, does the same to Jongdae and Baekhyun. He wonders a lot if they’re too touchy with their staff, their dancers, but he thinks it’s warranted. Junmyeon, Jongin and Sehun have been there since the beginning, when things were hard going and they’d had to move companies and they’d followed them here. They’re very grateful to have them, always. 

“You’re paying for drinks tonight, right?” Jongdae asks Junmyeon, who glares at him and sprays at him with another bottle. They’re too shameless, so Minseok grabs the back of Jongdae’s shirt, and Baekhyun’s as well, for good measure. 

“Don’t be stupid,  _ we’re  _ paying for drinks and dinner tonight,” he says, and they pout at him, but he ignores them and instead brings Sehun’s face down to his and kisses him on the mouth, squeezing his waist.

Sehun makes sure to lick across his lip, and everyone makes little disgruntled noises. Junmyeon winces again, and Minseok can feel Sehun’s smirk against his own. 

“Just for that, you’re buying the first round, Minnie,” Baekhyun says, and Minseok just shrugs, herding the two of them to the side for a picture for the Twitter account.

“It doesn’t matter. We know who’ll be having the most fun tonight,” he says, and they both groan, but they cling to either side of him anyway and grin as they do their greetings for the short video. 

Later that night, when Jongdae and Sehun are a little tipsy and Baekhyun and Jongin are really drunk on the drinks Minseok ended up paying for (which is all of them, really too many to count), Minseok and Junmyeon, relatively sober, take to a quiet corner of their private room in the bar, nursing a solitary bottle of soju and taking turns serving each other. 

He asks the question. “When are we coming back?”

“Soon,” Junmyeon answers him. It’s always the same answer, these days. 

“It can’t be soon,” he says, drinking. “We haven’t recorded anything. Haven’t written anything.”

“The team’s looking through the songs submitted,” he says, “they're just narrowing down the list. Seeing if there’s room to add self-compositions too.”

“I know that,” he says, and he watches Baekhyun and Jongin play the palm slapping game. Very dangerous in their state. He makes to get them seated so they don’t fall on their faces, but Jongdae gets to them first. “But. We’ve been waiting a long time. Are we going to do concerts with this same set? I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, because we will wait. We can wait. But why is it taking so long?”

Junmyeon looks at him, considering. Everyone has always looked differently at Minseok, because he’s the leader. He’s the one who steers the group, gives them strength, someone for the other two to depend on. He’s the one who’s supposed to have the answers, and he’s the one that’s often first criticized when it comes to that point, the one they all expect to take responsibility. And he does it. Takes the beatings, takes the questions, takes the responsibility.

A year and four months with no new comeback and a shower of questions and doubt, and he still takes the responsibility. 

“They’re looking for new producers,” Junmyeon tells him quietly after a long consideration. Minseok looks at him sharply. 

“What’s wrong with Yixing?”

“Nothing is wrong with Yixing,” he replies. “But he’s running himself ragged. He can’t produce for you by himself and try to debut in his country at the same time. They’re just looking for someone to help him out. Give CBX a fresh new sound.”

“Didn’t think it would take this long,” he says, and he refrains a sigh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.”

“You don’t,” Junmyeon tells him. “I can see where your frustration is coming from. Please be a little more patient. They’re just trying to get the best for the three of you.”

“Have you heard of any of the prospects?” he asks, and Junmyeon leans forward a little, watching Sehun curl up around Baekhyun wistfully. Minseok hides his smile, waits for him to answer. 

“I’ve heard a few. It’s not my call in the end, however,” he says. “They’re trying for a sexy, lively concept.”

Minseok makes a face, and Junmyeon smirks at him. “I’m getting too old for the sexy thing.”

“Nonsense, you look great,” Junmyeon tells him. Sehun is slinking up then, setting himself down on Minseok’s lap and licking his jaw, and Junmyeon’s face twitches. He’s not every subtle. “Ah. Will you need a car for tonight?”

“No need, I’ve ordered a car already,” Minseok smiles, patting Sehun’s butt and lifting him a little as he stands. 

_ “Ugh,  _ that’s so hot,” Sehun moans a little as he’s set on his feet, kissing him. “Tiny but strong,  _ a man.” _

“Let’s get you home, Hunnie,” he says, getting him standing on his feet properly. 

_ “Your bed,  _ first,” he says, grinning, and Minseok really wishes he or Junmyeon would just admit it to themselves that their lingering glances aren’t really  _ nothing.  _ “Post-tour sex is the best.”

“I’ll have your car brought out front,” Junmyeon says, clearing his throat a little, making to go out of the room, and when he’s gone, Minseok raises Sehun’s chin.

“You really should tell him, Hunnie.”

“He’s had his chances,” he says, pouting, and Minseok sighs, not being able to resist and kissing him again, licking into his mouth. 

He has a good night, drilling his cock into Sehun’s ass and licking him out after, and they’re both a little incomplete, but it’s okay. He’s convinced it’s all okay.

.

They finally have a date for the meeting where they hear the songs up for the tracklist for the next release from the A&R team, and it’s a sleepy weekend, just after lunch, but none of them are late. The way Minseok likes to do things, they always come in a bit early, and their staff, knowing this, is early as well. 

It’s there that they see Yixing for the first time in much too long, and he looks tired, eyes a little less bright, but he looks genuinely happy to see them, hugging them all and squeezing their butts.

“You look dead to the world, Xing,” he says quietly to him as the room is still settling down, Baekhyun and Jongdae flicking water at each other and the other staffs are filing into the room, carrying drinks and papers for everyone. “Did you just come in from a flight?”

He nods, a little tired. “Was straight from rehearsals to the airport.”

Minseok winces a little, feeling how he must be lacking his sleep. “How’s your music?”

“It’s okay. Exhausting,” he says. “Fulfilling, though.”

His eyes are brighter. Minseok feels bad for keeping him tied down to them. “Maybe, maybe we shouldn’t add to your workload-”

“Nonsense, Minnie,” he says, patting his cheek. “I can’t let you three go. You’re stuck with me. But I think you’ll like your new addition to the team. He’s good, like. Really good.”

“You screened them?”

“Of course,” Yixing says, “Had to make sure they were up to the group standards. Can’t break our 3-year ‘Album of the Year’ streak, can we? We have to make sure they’re good.”

“Well, if you’re the one who chose them, then I’m sure they are,” Minseok says, smiling as he steps off to let Jongdae and Baekhyun come in to greet him with wide grins and warm hugs. He says nothing of the way Baekhyun’s embrace seems to linger, and the way Yixing’s smile goes especially soft for him as they part.

The three of them take their seats on one side of the table, smiling and greeting the camera crew around them for the reality show on VLIVE documenting the comeback preparations, and the staff greet them in turn, Junmyeon arranging them and giving them a few leaves of paper and a pen apiece to make notes for when they listen to the songs. 

“Are we ready to begin?” Minseok asks, setting the mood as he smiles at them all, “We’re a little early, but we can start ahead if everyone is here.”

“Ah, we’re just waiting for the last producer,” the creative director tells them. “He produced one of the potential title tracks. Yixing is bringing him on as an album producer.”

Minseok turns to look at Yixing, raising an eyebrow. “Should bring up the new kid up to speed with how we do things, here.”

Yixing chuckles, “He’s not up to speed with how you work, but he’ll adjust. He’s a good one, I discovered him on YouTube, and his SoundCloud has a lot of great, solid material. He has his own studio, too.”

“Well, if Yixing chose him, he has to be good,” Jongdae says, grinning for everyone as he gets his notes ready for the track rundown later. “What’s his name?”

“Park Chanyeol,” Yixing replies, without knowing that he had shaken Minseok’s world with the name. Minseok swallows heavily, looking up at him as he tries to keep his face otherwise blank of his shock, of his apprehension and anxiety. “He goes professionally by ‘LOEY,’ he’s great.”

“Park Chanyeol,” Minseok says slowly, and Yixing just smiles at him, unknowing. 

Minseok breathes quietly to himself, wondering what he’s going to do if this is who he thinks it is.

If this is  _ his  _ Chanyeol. Then.

It’s been years. Almost a whole decade.

He-

“Sorry, hello,” someone comes into the room then, easily towering them all, dressed in the warmest orange sweater and holey jeans and his brown hair tousled gently, effortlessly. His eyes are bright, and his smile is wide and beautifully curved, and Minseok looks at him, his heart racing in his chest, pounding painfully, before it drops to the pit of his stomach.

His ears are still so big, so achingly endearing.

“Chanyeol, hey,” Yixing stands up to greet him, his dimpled smile so warm as he hugs him, welcomes him into their fold. “Just in time.”

“I’m not too late, am I?” Chanyeol asks, blinking worriedly, and Minseok stares down at the table, trying to gather himself. He can see the way Baekhyun and Jongdae and Junmyeon look at him, noticing how quiet he is, and Minseok is normally not very talkative, but. He’s always the first to greet, always the first to introduce himself and the group, first to welcome anyone new into their fold. 

But, he can’t even make himself stand up, now. 

“No, don’t worry, the boys just have a perennial habit of being early,” Yixing explains.

“Ah, then. I’ll be sure to be even earlier,” Chanyeol smiles, and Minseok doesn’t know what he’d say to him. He doesn’t know what to do. 

Yixing brings him then to the table to introduce him to the group, and Minseok feels his brain freak out on him as he comes closer. He’s thankful Jongdae and Baekhyun are kind, smiling at him warmly as Yixing introduces him, and Chanyeol is so.  _ Bright,  _ smile wide and true as he comes forward to shake their hands, and there’s a bounciness in him that doesn’t falter as he says hello.

Then, his eyes meet Minseok’s, and Minseok can see the exact moment when he pauses. There is no shock in Chanyeol’s face, but Minseok sees the slightest sliver of the same apprehension, hesitance he knows is on his own face at that moment.

Chanyeol’s face is no less kind, no less bright. But it is unsure in the way that it had not been, with Jongdae or Baekhyun earlier. 

“And,” Yixing says, not knowing any better of the awkwardness between them as he makes to introduce them to each other. “This is our leader-”

“Minnie,” Chanyeol says, and in all of the time he had known him, Minseok’s never seen him with such a strained, hesitant smile. It doesn’t suit him. “Hi.”

It’s been so long, since he’d heard that name from those lips. It used to bring him so much joy, such lightness in his heart, but. Now. 

Minseok tries not to falter. He smiles for him, and while they may have left things on a strained note, those many years ago, he prides himself of his professionalism. His expression is kind as he greets in turn, “Hey, Yeol.”

Everyone in the room stares at them, picking up on their tension, and the way they clearly know each other. It’s painfully uneasy. Minseok makes a small note to himself to request that none of this will be edited into the show. 

“You, uh. Know each other?” Yixing says, looking between them. 

Know each other, in the way that they had spent most of their childhood together, their high school years practically in each other’s pockets. In the way that Chanyeol had been Minseok’s first kiss when they were both stumbling, tiny little toddlers, and each other’s first  _ real  _ kiss as semi-awkward teenagers with honest feelings and real, heart shaking affection. The way that they had been each other’s first time, first love, first  _ everything,  _ until things had gone so sour, so fast and quick and unexpected, that Minseok had barely had any time to grieve what he had lost between them, forcing himself to focus on his future.  _ This  _ future. 

So, Minseok would say they know each other, pretty well.

But, he just answers gently, “We used to.”

Chanyeol blinks at him, his cheeks pinking up slightly in either embarrassment or disappointment. Minseok supposes it’s both, with the way Chanyeol looks at him, like he wants more, but it’s not the time for it. 

Minseok gathers himself, not wanting the atmosphere to linger, and he smiles at the rest of the room, saying, “I suppose we can hear the songs now, since everyone is here?”

The director startles, but is quick to settle into a tone that is easy as everyone takes their seats again, ready to begin properly, “Ah, yes. We have several options, we’ve carefully combed through several submissions and we’ve narrowed it down to six choices. We’ll go through them, one by one.”

“We’ll get your feedback after we listen to everything, as always,” Yixing says, smiling at them as they sit across them, but Minseok watches only Chanyeol. His large hands, dwarfed by the length of his sleeves, his fingers barely peeking out from the cuffs as he nervously gets his bearings, arranging his notebook and phone in front of him, and his face, still pink, flitting up occasionally to look at Minseok. He’s caught every time, and he ducks each time, ears red, and Minseok sighs to himself.

He doesn’t know what to feel. It’s been a long time, and he doesn’t know if he’s truly forgiven Chanyeol over what had happened those many years ago, but Minseok knows he’s not angry, anymore, and. He can never truly hate Chanyeol.

Looking at him, it’s not the same warmth that it had been, when they were together. But, as Chanyeol gets his pen ready, ears perking as the first song begins to play, Minseok sighs again, unable to deny how  _ endearing  _ he still is.

As expected, the songs chosen for them are all good. The very best of the best, a few of them from writers they had worked with before, one from a producer in America that had produced for Ariana Grande and Kid Cudi, and one from Yixing himself. 

Minseok writes down his immediate thoughts, splits his paper into organized boxes for each track, with  _ ‘pros’  _ and  _ ‘cons’,  _ and before he knows it, he’s asking for a few more sheets to write on. It’s certainly much more than the other two, and he looks to them from time to time, watching for their reactions to the songs. 

Jongdae listens to the songs seriously, nodding along when he likes the beat, sometimes able to catch the lyrics early and by the last choruses, he’s humming along, and on ‘The One,’ he’s singing along to his own voice, having recorded the demo with one of their frequent collaborators. 

Baekhyun is more physical with his reactions, swaying his head from side to side and vibing in his seat, barely quelled by the palm Minseok sets gently on his thigh. He goes rather still, though, when Yixing’s selection comes on, his face almost completely red as he listens to the demo he had recorded for him. 

“Right, this is the last song,” the director says, “It’s a bright dance song with a fun tune with a slightly retro feel, about seizing the tiresome day and enjoying the night as it comes. It’s called, ‘Hey Mama.’”

“And this must be the one Chanyeol wrote?” Jongdae says, and Minseok watches as Chanyeol slumps a little in his seat, ears redder than ever and he looks shy as he nods in affirmation. 

“Alright, let’s hear it,” Minseok says, smiling for the room, maybe a little more for the cameras, and the music starts. 

It begins with a bright guitar intro, a strong upbeat rhythm, and Minseok’s hand pauses where it had been on top of the papers, ready to write more notes. 

It’s light, bouncy but it’s clean, a song that would easily find itself amongst the best of what he and Baekhyun and Jongdae have done, seamless and almost certainly needing nothing more than just their voices. He can hear it, instantly, the way their voices would fit in so effortlessly  _ well,  _ like it was written for them specifically (which, truly, it actually is, but regardless). He can hear the way Baekhyun’s strong timbre would be impossible to forget in the very first lines, the way Jongdae’s unforgettable falsetto would make the bridge  _ soar,  _ and.

Sometimes, a lot of the time. It was a little more difficult to find where he would fit in the songs. With Baekhyun and Jongdae, it was always easy to hear them, with such  _ impeccable  _ voice qualities, it’s never hard to know where they would go and how well they would do. For himself, however. It’s not that he thinks he’s vocally weak; he  _ knows  _ he’s worked hard and he’s proud of how far he had come, but it was sometimes hard, to place himself properly, to  _ hear himself  _ in the songs. But, here, it’s clear. 

He can find himself, in the short but vibrant rap verse in the middle. The bridge, an airiness that he knows his voice would lend very well too, and. Especially the chorus, the obvious flirtiness of the tone, he knows,  _ knows,  _ that it would let the color of his voice  _ shine,  _ would highlight and strengthen the tender quality of his voice.

Minseok listens, blinking and unable the slight bob of his head as he takes it in. He looks up, and sees Chanyeol watching him, specifically him, anxiously twisting his pen in his hands. 

It’s so.  _ Different,  _ from anything Minseok remembers from what Chanyeol had written and produced before when they were still in high school. But, it somehow is  _ still  _ so him. Clean production, with a lightness and vivacity that Minseok knows him for, that had never been absent from anything he wrote. 

It’s a fun, bouncy, but mature, sophisticated sound, and it’s so very much like CBX. Chanyeol, somehow, just  _ knew  _ how to write for them, had understood their sound and identity so well, so effortlessly, and let his talent and creativity do the rest. Minseok didn’t know he could make a sound like this, but somehow, he’s not surprised either. 

He had always hoped that he would do well, despite how they had ended. 

The song ends, and Minseok sighs to himself,  _ “Fuck.  _ It’s good.”

The rest of the room stares at him, because Minseok doesn’t usually remark on songs first, unprompted, but Minseok can only feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him, blinking often, but he can tell the pinkness of his cheeks is because he’s surprised, pleased.

Baekhyun looks at him, with  _ that  _ expression on his face. Smirking and teasing and looking like he’s about to stir some shit up; Minseok had fallen victim to it, much too often. “Hmm? Why do you sound disappointed?”

Minseok sighs, and he twists his index finger right into Baekhyun’s dimpled cheek, “I’m not disappointed, stop that.”

“I like the last one,” Jongdae says, before the two of them spiral into another play fight. “I didn’t write many notes this time, everything was really great and I can imagine us singing any of them, but I feel like many of them didn’t add much to our sound.”

“I liked ‘Cherish,’” Baekhyun says, and Minseok can see the exact spot on his cheeks where the rosiness begins to bloom. He glances at Yixing, and his smile is too soft and it can’t be mistaken as anything other than a pure affection.

“I know you did,” Minseok smiles at them both, but he looks to Yixing mostly, reading over his notes about his song, “and I liked it too. It’s vibrant in sound and the lyrics are very sweet. But, as a title, I feel like it may just be a repeat of what we’ve done before? It’s similar to the last one, and should we choose to promote with it as the title, it may lack a bit of our usual punch. I hope I’m not offending you, Xing, it’s a  _ great  _ song.”

“No, it’s alright. I understand, and after listening to it again, I agree,” he says, smiling still. “I think we need a freshness I might not be able to provide. Now you know why I brought in Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol’s ears are red, and he glances up every now and then at Minseok, trying to be subtle. He’s very much not, but Minseok doesn’t say anything. 

While he isn’t completely comfortable with working with his ex-boyfriend, he can understand why Yixing had chosen to hire him. They would be fools not to make music with him. 

“What do you think of the songs then, Baekhyun?” the director asks him, and it usually goes this way. They save Minseok’s comments for last, because he usually has the most to say, because he’s the leader and steers things in the direction the three of them need. 

“Everything is good,” he says, his eyes bright. “It feels a lot like summer, which is refreshing and it will make us stand out among all the fall comebacks. As I said, I really liked ‘Cherish,’ but, I think Jongdae can agree with me here, ‘Hey Mama’ might let hyung shine a bit more, there were lots of parts that only he can do and-“

“Baek, this is a group comeback, you don’t need to focus on me,” Minseok says, even though he had had the same thoughts earlier. After so many years together, they had become so attuned to what their collective sound and musical taste was, so Minseok is not surprised that they think similarly. 

“But he makes a good point that I agree with,” Jongdae says calmly, explaining his thoughts carefully as he continues, “We’re nearing our eighth year together and we’ve grown really secure in our positions. This song, I feel, allows you more parts to show your versatility, in a way nothing we’ve done before really expressed.”

“What do you think, Xing?” Baekhyun asks him, and truthfully, this is all a little embarrassing for Minseok. He’s thankful, but as leader, as the oldest, he’s never truly thought of himself first. He’s lifted up when Baekhyun and Jongdae are allowed their opportunities to showcase their unmatched talent, and he is more than happy to be their support. Choosing the title song does not usually lead to conversations about him, but. He supposes it’s because he steers the conversations that way. 

Yixing smiles. Says, “You would  _ kill  _ that rap, Min.”

“He  _ would,”  _ Baekhyun grins at him smugly, but Minseok doesn’t say anything. 

“The song itself is good,” Yixing says, “It’s fun, upbeat, and it  _ sounds  _ like a CBX song, but it doesn’t try hard to be different from the rest because it just is. But I think, what I like most is that I know the song won’t drown the three of you? With things like these, it’s easy to let the song carry you, and while that’s not bad, it feels like it will be  _ you  _ lifting it up.”

“It’s very quick today,” the director says, and Jongdae and Baekhyun laugh as Minseok blushes. 

The A&R meetings usually take  _ hours.  _ There’s usually a lot said and back and forth and it’s a stressful thing. 

But. Things seem to be straightforward today. Minseok feels a little uneasy. 

“What did you think of, when you were writing the song, Chanyeol?” Yixing asks him, and Minseok’s face heats up. 

Chanyeol blinks, his eyes wide and he’s so much like a puppy still, as he was almost a decade ago. Minseok stares down at his papers  _ hard,  _ not willing to be tided over. 

“I, um,” he says and he fidgets a little, sitting up straighter in his seat and swallowing. 

“There’s no need to be so formal,” Jongdae says, smiling at him kindly. 

“Yeah, we’re really chill here,” Baekhyun says, “really! The only scary one is Minnie-“

Minseok pinches his side, making Baekhyun whine as he shies away from him.

“He knows that already,” he sighs, and Chanyeol blushes, biting his lips and looking very much like he’d been caught in headlights. Everyone else stares at him, at them, but Minseok continues, “Go on, Chanyeol. You were saying?”

Chanyeol stares at him, shuffling a little, before he says, “I’ve been following CBX since debut, and I wanted to create a song that really exemplified your bright sound, but I wanted to make it a little more cheeky, slightly sexy, make it a little more mature.”

_ Since debut.  _

Minseok stares at him. Chanyeol avoids his gaze, and Minseok has so much he wants to ask. 

_ Since debut.  _ He did not know. 

With the way things had ended, he didn’t know if Chanyeol could even. Even look at him. 

“But more than that, I wanted to make a song that would allow the three of you to shine,” he says, and he looks so nervous it’s almost adorable. Certainly cute enough for Yixing, who pats his thigh several times to calm him. “You are known for having the strongest vocals and the cleanest dances, and while I think the song takes advantage of those skills already, I wanted to create an opportunity for you to show more as well. Switch things up, give Baekhyun part of a rap, exercise Jongdae’s full vocal range. Show off Minseok’s bright tone in the choruses and bridge. Things like this. I’ve said too much I’m sorry-“

“No, thank you for saying that,” Jongdae says. His beam is wide. “It makes me all that much more sure that this needs to be the title.”

“I have the same thoughts,” Baekhyun says, and he turns to Minseok, smile wide. “What about you, hyung?”

Minseok clears his throat, trying not to look up at everyone, saying, “All the songs are good, they all have their pros and cons-“

A collective groan, as they realize he’s trying to avoid talking about himself. And Minseok, he truly can’t help it; he doesn’t talk about himself, because he’s not used to it. It makes him nervous, it makes him uneasy. 

“You can be direct, Minseok,” Yixing says, looking at him intently. “What do you think?” 

“You can review my notes,” he says, but Baekhyun butts in quickly. 

“But you didn’t write anything for the last song,” he says, snatching up the said sheet before Minseok can stop him. He’s not wrong; the paper is blank, and Minseok finds himself caught. 

He doesn’t know what to say. He says quietly, “I. Well. It didn’t need it.”

“Then that’s a sign right there, isn’t it?” Jongdae says, his tone kind and cheerful. He sounds excited. 

And Minseok, he understands. Comebacks are always fun, but. This excitement is something he hadn’t felt in a while, reluctant though he may be. 

“Ah, so are we decided?” the director asks, and Jongdae and Baekhyun are instantly saying together,  _ “Yes.” _

“Oh, there's still sunlight for once?” Jongdae says, looking out the windows. Minseok glares at him, and Chanyeol blinks around, looking confused. “We ended before night time,  _ bless.” _

_ “Yes,  _ I can still make it home on time for Ju Ji Hoon,” Baekhyun says in relief, grinning too happily as Minseok glares at him as well. 

He stands up, thanking the staff for their hard work, the other two following his lead. He looks at Chanyeol, who looks on, still confused, and he sighs. 

“I tend to have many notes to go through at these meetings,” he tells him, and Chanyeol looks at him, looking startled that Minseok is paying attention to him. “It tends to go for a long time. You got lucky today.”

“I. I see,” he says, looking on owlishly. He wrings his hands together, and stands up so they’re a little more level. Minseok watches him swallow, thinking about what he needs to say, “I. It’s okay if it runs for a long time. It’s good to have a lot to say.”

_ How ironic.  _ Back then, Minseok didn’t have much to say at all.

Minseok doesn’t reply to that, and instead says, because he  _ is  _ capable of giving credit where it is due, “The song is really good, Yeol. I look forward to working on it.”

Chanyeol looks at him, and he’s  _ still _ so transparent, after all these years. His face turns pink, and he can’t hide his pleased gaze, “I look forward to working with you, too.”

Minseok looks at him, and he says nothing else. Nods to him, and greets everyone else before herding the other two out the door, feeling too tired for as short a meeting as it was. 

.

He’s able to avoid talking about it for a day, but when they get to the studio to record, he doesn’t have much luck. 

Chanyeol greets them, looking just as cuddly in another sweater in a sunset pink and pale blue with even more holes, and  _ glasses _ that Minseok did not know he had started wearing, and Chanyeol’s gaze lingers, his face turning pink as Minseok greets him quietly. 

It’s awkward. So awkward Minseok doesn’t know what to do with himself, how to act, but he prides himself on being professional and doing whatever he can to get things done. So, as he takes the lyric sheet from Chanyeol to study, he asks for any notes he might have, if there’s anything he needs to be aware of before he records. 

Chanyeol looks surprised, but he points out a few things for the verses, about the voice color he’s picturing for the song, and Minseok notes it all, thinking about nothing but how to do his job well. 

Of course, even as he tries to practice and get used to the lines, he’s not left alone. 

While Jongdae goes in to record his parts and most of the guide for two of their B-sides, Baekhyun cages Minseok in in the waiting lounge outside, sitting next to him on one side, and plopping his corgi on the other. 

Mongryong tilts his head up at Minseok, tongue wagging and his eyes so  _ cute  _ as he paws at Minseok’s thigh, and Minseok glares at Baekhyun for shamelessly using his dog to get him to talk. Baekhyun just grins, thoroughly smug. 

“So,” Baekhyun starts, crossing his legs and getting one of his arms around Minseok’s shoulders. He’s looking to get his ass kicked. “You and the tree used to date?”

“I didn’t say we dated,” Minseok says, jabbing at Baekhyun’s side. 

He whines, but doesn’t stop. “Well, it’s pretty obvious, with the way he looks at you.”

“And how does he look at me?”

“Like you broke his heart but he still loves you,” Baekhyun says bluntly. Minseok freezes. “Or. Like he broke your heart and he regretted it big time and now he’s trying to make up for it.”

Well. 

“Am I right?” Baekhyun prods at him. “Which one is it?”

Minseok sighs. Scratches Mongryong behind the ears as he says, “Unclear. Don’t know if he still loves me, but I doubt it.”

“So you  _ did  _ date,” Baekhyun says. Minseok sighs. It’s his own fault for being careless anyway. 

“It was a long time ago,” he tells him, fluffing up Mongryong’s face before setting him down to the floor to roam around the studio a little bit. “Come on, we need to work.”

“And him? Not being in love with you? With the way he can’t stop staring at you? Unrealistic,” Baekhyun says, and Minseok sighs, making to go into the studio proper to watch and monitor Jongdae’s recording. “He wrote us a really good song, was he always that talented, then?”

“He’s even more talented now,” Minseok admits easily. He’ll always think the world of Chanyeol, it doesn’t matter how hurt he was when they ended. 

It’s frustrating. 

The recording is otherwise smooth. Minseok records last, as he usually does, but he’s surprised that Jongdae and Baekhyun don’t leave after they’re done, as they usually do. He doesn’t doubt it’s because they want to spy on him and Chanyeol, and he’s sure Baekhyun’s fed the tiny morsels of information he had gotten out of him to Jongdae. 

When he gets to the recording booth, he watches as Chanyeol fiddles about, looking more nervous than he had with the other two. Minseok waits patiently, trying to empty his head of whatever mess it’s brewing, needing to focus on work and the music. 

“Hi, so we’ll record ‘Rhythm After Summer’ first, to ease your voice into ‘Cherish’ later,” Chanyeol tells him from the other side of the glass, and Minseok nods his understanding. Jongdae and Baekhyun are standing behind the producer’s desk, quiet but curious gaze not leaving the two of them, and Minseok supposes it helps that they’re there; much less of an opportunity for him to lose his footing. 

And he doesn’t, recording his parts for the first song in a few takes. He prefers it this way; preparing well beforehand and doing it well the first few times, so no one’s time is wasted. Jongdae’s guides are near to perfect, and Minseok does his best to follow his style. 

“That was good,” Chanyeol says as he pauses the music after Minseok’s third take of the first chorus. Minseok watches him, and sees him look up at him, blinking gently, looking so much like a puppy. “Can we do it again?”

“How do you want it?” Minseok asks him. 

“Do it more like yourself,” Chanyeol says, and Minseok stares at him, not understanding. Jongdae and Baekhyun look confused as well, and Chanyeol explains, “You sound very good. It’s very close to the guide, but please sing it in your style. Be less rigid and please don’t be pressured to sound like the way Jongdae sounds.”

“Did you not like the guide?” Minseok asks him, and Chanyeol shakes his head, shaking his big hands, most of it hidden under his sleeves. Minseok swallows, trying not to think too much of it. 

“No, that’s not it at all,” Chanyeol says, looking back at Jongdae and closing his palms together. Jongdae waves him off, but he looks at Minseok, eyebrow raised. “Please don’t misunderstand. It’s just, the song will be even better, if you sing it as yourself. Your voice color is different and the song needs it to be really vibrant.”

Minseok bites his lips, feeling nervous. No one has really given him direction like this to him before. 

_ As himself.  _

He’s not quite sure anymore, what that really means. 

“May we, um. Let’s try it, once?” Chanyeol says. “Loosen up a little? Don’t be so calculated, if you know what I mean.”

Minseok swallows, squeezing his hands together, feeling a little uneasy. He looks up at the two, who gesture to him encouragingly with their thumbs up, and he looks at Chanyeol. Chanyeol, who looks at him so earnestly, honestly, looking a little scared, but bright, trying to encourage him,  _ trusting  _ that he can do this. 

Minseok is used to people looking at him with trust. But, it feels different. Because he knows that coming from Chanyeol, it just is. 

“Please guide me,” he says, and Chanyeol nods, his eyes wide and his hair so floppy, transparent in the little happiness that he is being trusted. He looks so much like he did when they were okay. 

And Chanyeol does, giving him concise instructions, and Minseok breathes, taking it in, letting it all go. Trying to find himself at ease, as much as he can, and it’s nothing he’s used to. 

He tries once. Chanyeol asks for one more take.

He tries again. Chanyeol asks for one more take.

He tries again.

“You’re almost there,” Chanyeol tells him, and Minseok is feeling uneasy. Feeling out of his element, feeling like a trainee all over again. Tired, unsure of himself, maybe a little heartbroken. 

Chanyeol must see it, because there is a long pause. Minseok looks at him, and even through the glass, Chanyeol looks patient, thoughtful, and kind, encouraging him gently, “You’re doing really well. Just, just don’t keep it in your heart? Let it go a little.”

“I don’t understand,” Minseok says, and he’s getting frustrated. Frustrated with Chanyeol, but really, more frustrated with himself. 

Chanyeol looks at him, and he says then, “Come out for a bit?”

Minseok stares at him, and he doesn’t know what he wants. He wants to get out of here, mostly, but he removes the headset, and comes out of the booth, Chanyeol there right on the other side of the door, towering over him as he always had, but. In the way that he feels just with him, Minseok doesn’t feel small.

He feels looked after, in something as simple as the way Chanyeol says in a quiet tone just for Minseok to hear, “Am I pressuring you? I’m sorry.”

Minseok looks at him, and he just looks so  _ earnest  _ and sincere, and Minseok was never mad at him.

“No, if, if it’s not coming out right, then I should be the one who’s sorry,” he says, and Chanyeol shakes his head. He’s  _ too  _ kind, and Minseok tries not to get too lost in him. “This is taking too long.”

“It’s a lighthearted song,” Chanyeol says, “You don’t need to be so burdened by it. It defeats the point. Have as much fun as you can with it.”

“Well I wouldn’t know how to do that,” Minseok rolls his eyes at himself, and if it were anyone else, they would laugh.

But Chanyeol looks at him, eyes wide, and he looks. Sad. “You’re fun, Min.”

_ You haven’t been around for the last decade. You wouldn’t know. _

Minseok doesn’t say it out loud, says instead, “I don’t know how I should feel it.”

He can tell Chanyeol is struggling, trying to think of how to direct him effectively, and it shows in the way he tries to say in a cautious tone, “If it would help, just think about how you feel like a fun summer love is. That kind of excitement. Like you’re young and experiencing it for the first time, all over again.”

“Chanyeol, what do you expect me to do, the last person I really dated was you,” Minseok says a little impatiently, frustrated and struggling, because Sehun as his fuck buddy certainly didn’t count when Sehun sleeps with him because he’s pining all the time for their manager, and Minseok takes a minute to let his words sink in, and then he regrets many things almost instantly.

Chanyeol’s eyes go very wide, and he’s visibly shocked. “Me? Really? But, that was years ago-”

“I don’t have much time or energy to go out with the kind of life I have now,” Minseok tells him. It’s been so long since he’d seen Chanyeol, and he doesn’t really know the person in front of him that well as he once did. He doesn’t want to say everything, if anything at all, because as far as he’s concerned, they’re not friends. He wishes all the best for Chanyeol, and always will, but the memory of their last meeting is still bitter on his tongue, and had been the fuel that drove him to work harder, aim higher, until he’d been exhausted. 

Chanyeol is not privy to his life, and he doesn’t need to tell him anything, even when Chanyeol looks on at him curiously, his cheeks pink and blushed up and his eyes  _ sparkling,  _ the fuck. 

“Am, am I a bad memory?” he asks, and Minnseok sucks in a breath. 

He can’t, he  _ can’t. _

“Let’s not do this now,” Minseok says.  _ Or not ever,  _ he thinks, but doesn’t say. 

Chanyeol looks on, still looking so prettily dazed, and he frowns for a moment in thought. Eventually, he just says in a gentle tone, his whole expression soft but careful, “Then, um. If it won’t hurt you too much, try to remember us. Just the good part, if it will help you.”

Minseok can’t look at him. He squeezes his hands into fists, breathing slowly, not knowing if he can.

“Fine,” he says shortly, and Chanyeol winces a bit, and Minseok tries to not feel too guilty about putting that look on his face, but.

“You can do it, Minnie,” Chanyeol says, and they both freeze at the slip of Minseok’s old pet name. The one that he had only ever allowed Chanyeol to call him by, the one that always followed a kiss, an embrace, a rush of warm thoughts and affection.

Minseok doesn’t look at him, and goes back into the recording booth, and he latches on to the warmth. It’s been a long time, and he had never thought. Never thought that he would be here again, reminiscing it, regardless of how reluctantly. 

He tries again.

It’s instantly different. The way he carries his own voice, lets it go, lets himself feel, remember. The way he had soared through his childhood, innocent pecks from the wide-eyed neighbor who had pet ferrets and had to carry a handkerchief around to wipe his mouth so as upon requests for kisses from his parents, he could rid his mouth of excess dribble, though baby Minseok never minded. 

Had always seen the grown-ups say  _ “Chanyeol bobo,”  _ and he had followed thus, wanting kisses too, with big eyes and full cheeks, saying brightly,  _ “Chanyeollie bobo!”  _ and Chanyeol would come thus, wiping his mouth and kissing Minseok’s puckered lips. Their parents had always cooed at them, finding the two babies greeting each other with innocent little kisses impossibly endearing, not knowing that the phrase would follow them in high school.  _ “Chanyeol bobo,”  _ in quiet moments in the bathroom at lunch, in Chanyeol’s beat up car he had inherited from his sister, in their respective bedrooms, under the sheets and nervously touching each other and being too wrapped up in it all that they couldn’t realize they had stopped listening to each other’s dreams. 

The summers sneaking out and fooling around, before they knew any better.

“Perfect,” Chanyeol says, sounding excited and looking like an overgrown puppy, beaming widely and brightly. “Exactly like that, just keep letting it all go.”

His chest goes tight. Minseok is unsure if he  _ can  _ let it go.

.

Baekhyun has a filming day for his drama and Jongdae had been invited by their labelmate Kyungsoo to a surprise busking on the day they’re due to record the title track. Meaning to say, they’re recording in shifts, separately, and Minseok is the first to record for once, and. He’s alone.

He walks into the studio, feeling apprehensive, just knowing he’s not prepared for this, whatever today might bring.

“Good morning,” Chanyeol greets him, and he’s in a fuzzy yellow sweater, hair curly and covering his forehead, his ears sticking out, and Minseok feels like he’s being attacked. Minseok is thankful for the little miracle of Yixing being present, hugging him as he makes it through the door.

“Good morning,” he says, turning away to put his things in the lounge before he has to go in to record. 

It shouldn’t be like this. He’d worked  _ so hard  _ to be in the position he’s in, did everything he could. Including letting the one person he thought would never hurt him break his heart, working his ass off to move on and have a good life.

And yet, here he is, with that one person.

“Did you study your parts?” Yixing asks him once he makes it back into the studio, he and Chanyeol sitting behind the desk and looking ready to go, very much unlike how Minseok feels. 

“I did,” he answers, making to go into the booth, but Chanyeol says, “Wait, Min. We just have a few notes.”

Ah. Minseok nods, coming over and grabbing a chair to sit in front of them, and he makes to look at Yixing to wait for instructions, but Yixing raises an eyebrow at him, gesturing over to Chanyeol, and. 

Minseok starts, and realizes Chanyeol is sitting in  _ the  _ chair, the one Yixing usually sits in, the chair for the head producer. 

It’s not like Minseok had forgotten that Chanyeol had sat in the chair the last time, but it’s even more startling now, with Yixing there, taking the backseat and doing the assisting, this time.

“Just a few things,” Chanyeol tells him, smiling shyly and nervously as he looks through his written notes for the song. “We can take our time today so please don’t burden yourself so much. I’ve made the instrumental a little less punchy so your voices can stand out more. I’ve recorded the guide for now, but again, don’t be so pressured to follow it too much. Your voice is wonderfully colored, you just need to sing as you, in your flirtiest, most fun tone.”

“Right,” Minseok says, and his chest is so heavy. He can barely look at him, can barely hear anything.

“Try to sing naturally, as you are,” Chanyeol tells him. “Not too soft or too hard. I will give specific instructions per part as we go along, but please be at ease. And, um. After consulting with Yixing, we’ve decided to give you the last chorus, so-”

“Wait,” Miseok says, and he’s glaring at Yixing, who just shrugs his shoulders, grinning. “That’s supposed to be Jongdae’s part.”

“Ah, um, well,” Chanyeol stammers, “Well, when we were making some final revisions on production, we realized that your voice paired at the closing act of the song would be a fresh take, because your voice is so distinct from the other’s and it’s really wonderful, and. Um, give you more -”

“We agreed that having you close out the song would be a fun, different touch,” Yixing says, seeing the look of apprehension on Chanyeol’s face as he tries to explain. “That’s all. And we wanted line distribution to be more balanced so the song won’t be so tilted.”

“But I’ll have to learn it now,” he says, and he’s feeling nervous again, like he doesn’t feel right in his skin. He’s not usually out of his element, and he doesn’t ever like to be. “It’s, I didn’t prepare-”

“I’ll - we’ll help you along,” Chanyeol reassures him, correcting himself before he continues, “You’ll do well.”

Minseok’s head is buzzing, and he makes the crucial mistake of looking up at Chanyeol, finally, and seeing the way he looks at him so earnestly, so eager but honest and looking like he’ll do anything to make things easier for him, just wanting to help him.

So much like that time, when they were both young and blissfully unaware of where they would be now.

“Okay,” he says, going into the booth and trying not to think that much. He listens to Chanyeol’s guide once, noting where his parts are, but mostly. Listening to Chanyeol’s gentle, deep tone, raspy and effortlessly melodious and Minseok tries not to dwell about it too much, but it can’t be helped. He remembers too many things; afternoons after school in Chanyeol’s room, sat on the bed as Minseok listens to Chanyeol eek out tunes on his guitar, his voice raw and pure and everything Minseok wanted to hear forever, it felt like at the time. Such a pure love,  _ joy  _ for music, making it and sharing it in the ways he could, and Minseok struggles not to get overwhelmed with it all.

“Are you ready, Min?” Yixing asks through the mic, and Minseok takes a moment, before he nods once, telling himself not to think too much about it all and record as well as he can.

Chanyeol instructs him through each part, and Minseok does as asked of him, and while he’s nervous, the other recording  _ had  _ helped him be more at ease with Chanyeol and the kind of sound he’s after, and he finds it easier to sing and record and while he can’t say he’s quite confident yet, he does feel less hesitant in the way he sounds. He gets his takes within three attempts, Chanyeol generous with his compliments after each take, his beam so wide and he looks so happy, and Minseok reluctantly admits to himself that Chanyeol is still so infuriatingly endearing, after all these years.

Chanyeol guides him carefully through the rap, and Minseok’s head feels very full and when he’s told to  _ “Give me your best sexy Changmin vibe, but in rap,”  _ he’s about to lose his mind; Yixing, and certainly any other producer they’ve worked with before, has  _ never  _ given him instructions like him, and Chanyeol is making him work for it. 

“I don’t know about this,” he says, and as much as he loves Changmin, he wouldn’t know how to emulate his vivacity, or if he even could. “I don’t know if I can.”

“You can,” Chanyeol says, and he sounds  _ so convinced  _ and Minseok is stressing out more than he should. “You really can, I promise. Just once, I know you have it in you.”

Minseok sighs deeply to himself, turning away from the microphone as he does, because he is  _ stressed  _ and he’s more overwhelmed than he thought he would be. But, because he can’t quite ignore Chanyeol’s bright-eyed look as much as he’d want to, he does as he’s told anyway, feeling ridiculous as he goes.

He records the lines, and he sees the way they both look up to stare at him as they listen, mouths slightly agape.

_ Ah, shit,  _ Minseok breathes to himself, ready to apologize for messing up, but Chanyeol speaks first, his voice excited through the microphone. 

“Wahhh, great, that’s  _ perfect,”  _ Chanyeol says of the rap, grinning widely, and he’s so happy he laughs as he paws at Yixing with his big fists, who smiles back at him, amused.

“Was that good?” Minseok asks, and though he does the raps for the group when the time arises that a song should include a rap verse, he’s never been truly confident in his rap skills. “Do you want me to do it again?”

“I -  _ no,  _ I mean it when I said that was perfect,” Chanyeol says, “Do you want to hear it?”

It takes him a moment to consider, but he eventually replies with, “Okay,” and as it’s played back to him, he’s surprised at what he hears. It’s like whatever this was, hadn’t come from his own mouth. 

It sounds  _ flirty,  _ fun but with bite, certainly much more bold than Minseok ever feels like he is. 

“You had this in you, Min?” Yixing says, and Minseok doesn’t say anything. Yixing had done miracles over the years, getting his voice out of him and Minseok really didn’t think he could improve any further, but. 

“I didn’t know, myself,” he just tells him, not saying much else. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway. 

Yixing just smiles. “Maybe you just needed the right producer to do it, then.”

Minseok freezes where he is, and Chanyeol’s ears go bright red, hidden poorly even though he attempts to duck his head and clear his throat, saying a few more things for the next part to record. 

Things go quickly after that, and Minseok is done just before lunch, much to his relief. He feels much more fulfilled today, for some reason. Recording is always cut and go, usually, but it was harder today. He doesn’t think he’d exercised his voice this much in a while, and while it had been difficult, he does feel like he’d done well enough.

“Hmm, we have a few hours before Jongdae comes in,” Yixing says as he stands from his seat. “Let’s go out for lunch? You in, Chanyeol?”

“Oh, um, sure,” Chanyeol says, and he looks up nervously when Yixing turns to ask Minseok, “What about you, MIn? Have any more schedules for today?”

Minseok pauses, and his head is telling him,  _ ‘Don’t do it, don’t do it you idiot, you’ve worked so  _ **_hard_ ** _ to get where you are.’  _ He looks up, knowing he should refuse the offer, but. What comes out of his mouth, like he has no control over it, is, “Okay, I can eat.”

He knows he’s done for, the moment he has let his weakness speak for him. The way his chest is the slightest bit tighter when he catches Chanyeol looking at him, eyes wide and glassy and  _ hopeful,  _ and he knows he’s setting himself up for too much discomfort.

They go together to a restaurant nearby that Chanyeol suggests, and Minseok doesn’t speak much aside from choosing his order of curry over chicken katsudon stuffed with mozzarella, and stays quiet when Yixing leaves the two of them at the table to use the bathroom. His head feels stuffy and empty all at once, and he can  _ feel  _ Chanyeol’s eyes darting around, but mostly staying on him, waiting for him to say something or wondering if he should break their silence, which Minseok hopes he doesn’t, awkward as it may be. 

He’s not so lucky, as Chanyeol asks him then, “Are you okay with curry? I, um. I chose this place because I remembered you really liked curry, before? Um. I don’t know if you still do, maybe I should have asked first-”

“I do. I still like it,” Minseok, having mercy, and mostly because he can’t keep listening to Chanyeol talk. His voice, it’s changed so much since they’d last seen each other, slightly worn with time and experience and deep with age, but somehow. The way he talks, with warmth and care and the gentlest lilt that soothes, it’s all still the same. 

It had been one of Minseok’s most favorite things about him. It pains him, now. 

“I just can’t eat it very often, nowadays, because I’m always working and I need to stay in shape,” he tells him.

“Ah,” Chanyeol says. “Then, I should have chosen another place. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s alright,” he says, because he hadn’t been lying. He loves curry, and at one point in his life, after-school curry udon dates with Chanyeol were the best parts of his days. He just doesn’t eat it now very often, but not just for keeping fit reasons. 

It’s quiet again, and Minseok is beginning to wonder when Yixing will come back from his trip to the bathroom, hoping he comes soon because the tension at the table is making his shoulders heavy.

“It must be awkward, seeing me again after all these years” Chanyeol asks him then. He doesn’t sound accusatory, but rather, just stating a fact. 

Minseok bites on his lips, and he looks up from where he’d been staring at the table to find Chanyeol already looking at him. He sighs, “Really? What gave me away?”

Chanyeol snorts, and Minseok breathes slowly, seeing him become a bit more like himself when they were younger. Playful, a little teasing, and while they’re not quite comfortable, they are settling into the awkwardness better than Minseok would expect. 

“I’m sorry. I know me being here, it’s making it hard for you to work,” Chanyeol says, and Minseok looks at him.

“No. Don’t apologize,” he says, sighing to himself. “You’re talented, and Yixing was right to hire you. You’re doing well and are doing a lot of great things for us. Whatever kind of past we have, it means nothing when it comes to work.”

Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok can just  _ read  _ the sadness on his face. Chanyeol doesn’t work to hide it, as open as he’d always been, while Minseok had always tried to lock his emotions up, not wanting to bother anyone with his feelings, most especially himself. 

“I meant it, you know,” Chanyeol tells him.

Minseok blinks at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it, when I said I’d kept up with you and your group since you’d debuted,” he says, and Minseok feels himself ache. “You’ve done really well.”

Minseok doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t know then, and he certainly still doesn’t know now. So, he just says simply, quietly, “Thank you.”

Chanyeol stares on, and he doesn’t seem appeased. Minseok watches as he agonizes, trying to gather his words as carefully as he can, and he waits for him, until he says, “I. I’m sorry, for what I said before you left.”

And Minseok freezes, his walls pulling themselves back up again, as high as skyscrapers, and he’s in pain, all over again. Any bit of progress they had made, it all seems a little meaningless, right now. 

“What did you tell me?” Minseok asks him. His voice is low, and he feels like his chest is being ripped apart. 

Chanyeol glances up at him, and his eyes shake, “I. I was cruel, and wrong for saying those things, and-”

“What did you  _ tell me?”  _ Minseok asks again, and he doesn’t raise his voice, but it’s like the whole place is suddenly silent. 

He squeezes his hands into fists, just so he can stop feeling the way his fingers shake without control.

Minseok remembers it all, with a clarity he’d worked and failed to rid himself of. 

_ ‘You want to leave me and this behind for something bigger,’  _ the words had never lost their sting.  _ ‘I must mean nothing to you, you’ve already forgotten me.’ _

None of it was true. Minseok had never wanted to leave him. Chanyeol never, _never_ meant nothing to him.

He doesn’t even mean nothing now, or even then when he had said what he had said that broke them.

Chanyeol swallows, and his eyes shine, and Minseok thinks he won’t repeat the words. 

But, Chanyeol breaks the silence again, admitting his sins. “I told you that I hoped that you would make it and get everything I thought you wanted.”

“And why is that?” Minseok trembles. 

Chanyeol blinks away his tears, has always been too vulnerable and quick to succumb to his emotions, and maybe it was Minseok’s inability to even be a fraction as open as he was that had a part in why they didn’t work. It was many things, really.

“I said, I said I wanted you to become as successful as you wished and never come back, because I wouldn’t be there waiting for you,” Chanyeol says, and he’s shaking and it’s painful, all over again. It had never stopped being one. 

Back then, it had been said with so much  _ scorn,  _ so much  _ hate  _ and resentment that Minseok did not even know that Chanyeol was even capable of. 

Now, as Chanyeol says the words he’d uttered then, it’s with regret, apology and sorrow and disbelief, almost, that the words had ever come from his mouth. 

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol says. He sounds like he’s about to cry, holding back only because they’re in public. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I hurt you, I gave you a lot of pain. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

He says it over and over. And Minseok is exhausted, doesn’t think he has the heart or the strength to deal with this today. 

Yixing returns just as he stands, and Chanyeol is looking at him, pleading with his gaze to stay, but Minseok can’t. “I’m sorry, I feel a bit ill. I'll just get my food to go instead, I’ll leave first.”

“You’re sick?” Yixing says, concerned, coming up to him to feel his forehead, while Chanyeol looks on at him sadly, looking very much like he wants to convince him to stay, to apologize for bringing this up in the first place, but. He stays put, giving him space, and Minseok is thankful, but also. 

Wishes that he would have fought for them harder. 

“Just tired,” he says with a little smile, “I’ll go pay for the meal. Don’t worry about me. Just need some rest.”

“That’s not something I’ve ever really heard you say,” Yixing tells him, cupping his face gently. “Are you sure? Do you want me to drop you off?”

“No, it’s okay. I can get by,” he says, “Don’t worry about me. Just need to sleep this off, I’ll be okay.”

“If you’re sure,” Yixing says, and he nods, giving him a short hug. He looks at Chanyeol, who’s trying to hide his sniffing, and Minsok doesn’t know if he should nod at him or give him a hug or greet him or. He doesn’t know what to do, really, without looking too awkward. 

But, again, Chanyeol is the one who speaks up, and tells him sincerely, quietly, “Please get a lot of rest. I hope you’ll feel better soon.”

“Thank you,” he just says quietly in response, and thankfully, Yixing doesn’t seem to notice their weird atmosphere too much, insisting at the very least to walk him to the door. 

So, Minseok leaves, overwhelmed despite all his efforts to not be so.

.

Dyeing hair takes hours upon hours in the salon. Getting his hair sufficiently bleached of his natural color alone before he dyes it to the green he’d selected for the album shoot is taking two bleachings, hours of sitting around, so, naturally, it’s when his head is under a hair cap, his scalp sizzling gently under the hair bleach as he waits it out, that Baekhyun, also in a hair cap as he preps his hair for a nice jaunty red, and Jongdae, who’s been done with his haircut for over an hour and is just sitting around and waiting for them, corner him in his seat, curious little grins on their faces. 

“No,” he says instantly, not wanting to deal with this, too. “Whatever it is,  _ no.” _

“We were just gonna ask some questions,” Baekhyun pouts at him. Usually super ineffective, and it’s the case now. 

“No,” he repeats, looking forward so he as Baekhyun scowls at him. 

“We don’t want to make you uncomfortable, hyung,” Jongdae says, tilting his head and his eyes are doing  _ that  _ thing and Minseok stares forward resolutely, because while he’s mostly immune to Baekhyun, he is very much not to Jongdae. “You were just so quiet the other day after recording and we were just wondering if you were okay.”

He pouts slightly as he speaks, and Minseok  _ hates  _ how effective it is. 

He sighs, and says, “It’s nothing.”

“You can trust us,” Baekhyun says, and though Minseok is otherwise immune to his pouts, he’s still so  _ weak  _ for both of them. Would give them both the whole world, no matter what it took. No matter what he had to give up back home. “But, if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. We just want you to know, we’re here for you.”

“We just don’t want you to be too burdened by whatever it is you’re carrying by yourself,” Jongdae adds, and Minseok feels his chest ache.

He gives in, tells them, “Chanyeol is my ex-boyfriend. We were neighbors as children, and he was my first love.”

They look at him quietly, waiting for him patiently and knowing him well enough that it takes time for Minseok to open up. Throughout his time as a trainee, and even when they had debuted, Minseok had kept a lot to himself, choosing to listen to their worries instead of voicing out his own concerns when their future in their previous company had been unstable. 

“I thought, at one point, that I would marry him,” Minseok admits. His eyes sting slightly. “But. Things changed slowly, when I began my training. He was supportive, at first. We shared this dream; I would be a singer, a performer, and he would be the producer. We wanted to make music together. But, as I got busier and busier and more serious about debuting, we. We drifted apart. And our last conversation, it. It was devastating.”

He pauses, wounds made fresh anew by Chanyeol’s belated apology, and he sniffs to himself. The sting of the bleach on his scalp doesn’t make it any easier.

“It must have been hard seeing him again,” Jongdae says gently.

Minseok doesn’t really know what to say. ‘Hard’ is a kind way of putting it. “It’s brought up a lot of memories. It’s, he’s been careful, but. It’s been a lot.”

“You’ve been doing well, though,” Baekhyun remarks, “You’ve been handling this a lot better than we could have done.”

Minseok swallows, and he feels like the wounds are still too fresh, even though it’s been years since he’d stitched them up. “Didn’t feel like that the other day.”

They look at each other, and they scoot in a little closer to create a little nest for just the three of them, their ‘Circle of Safety’ as Baekhyun had coined back when they were still trainees, though they’re the only ones there at the moment. It’s not that they don’t trust their staff, or the makeup artists and hair stylists that have been with them since they’d started as a group, but. It’s not something Minseok is willing to talk about to just anyone.

“Do you mind telling us what happened, hyung?” Jongdae asks him. 

“Nothing really,” Minseok says, and it’s the truth. Nothing had really happened. “Just. He apologized for what happened when we were younger. He said sorry for what he said to me.”

It’s quiet when Minseok doesn’t continue, and the other two exchange glances, not knowing if they should go on, if they should pull it out of him any more than they have. 

“Can you tell us what he said, Min?” Baekhyun prods gently, his tone careful. 

Minseok feels like he’s swallowing pebbles. “He. We fought back then, and. He, he said basically that I was leaving him, that becoming a singer was more important to me than he was. He said that he wouldn’t be waiting for me if I made it.”

Baekhyun’s grip around his wrist tightens. “That’s a really shitty thing to say.”

“You didn’t deserve that, Min,” Jongdae tells him. His voice is still soft, but there’s an unyielding tone to it. As if he were telling Minseok to not believe the words that had been spoken to him. “He was wrong for that.”

“I know. But. coming from him, it. It broke my heart,” Minseok says, and his eyes sting painfully as the emotions build up in his chest, “It was. It crushed me.”

And, with the way the two of them come closer, Baekhyun resting his head against his chest and Jongdae propping up his chin on his shoulder as they wrap their arms around him, he knows they remember. When Minseok had come back for practice the days after he and Chanyeol last spoke, he had been quiet. Still doing the work, still doing his best, but he had been soulless, then. 

He cried himself to sleep, for weeks. In their tiny shared room in the dorm, it had been very audible despite his best efforts to muffle his noises, and more often than not, either or both of them would crawl out of their bunk to climb into his tiny mattress on the floor, and hold him as he cried, not knowing why he did.

Minseok realizes that this is the first time he’s telling them the reason.

“So he apologized?” Jongdae asks him. “Like a blanket apology?”

Minseok breathes slowly, getting through the ache. “He. He remembered what he said. He repeated it all. He admitted to everything. I don’t know if he’s really sorry, or if he’s feeling guilty or if he’s looking for closure.”

Baekhyun pauses, and then he’s squeezing him tightly. “Do you think he meant it?”

The answer comes easily for Minseok, “Of course he did.” Because despite it all, he knows Chanyeol isn’t a bad person, and knows that despite what he said, he’d always wanted the best for Minseok. Always wanted him to succeed and be happy. 

They’re quiet, and the timer goes off. The staff come in and have to pry them off of each other to get them to wash off the bleach in their hair, and Baekhyun lifts the mood to distract everyone else from what they’d been talking about by exaggerating his reaction to the pain in his scalp, whining about how he’ll never dye his hair again, and Jongdae calmly notes that it’s a lie and he’ll probably go for a full white head next time.

Minseok is endlessly thankful for both of them. That they’d trained together and that their previous company, as imperfect as it was, decided that the three of them should debut together. 

It’s when the staff leaves them again to let their hair bake when Junmyeon comes in from where he’d been waiting in the next room. He shifts on his feet, looking nervous, and eventually, Minseok sighs, asking him, “You heard all that, didn’t you?”

Junmyeon looks up, and the look on his eyes is enough. Before he apologizes, Minseok just tells him, “It’s okay. You must have known, didn’t you, Myeon?”

Junmyeon closes his mouth. Swallows, before saying, “The company then, they had looked into you, and. I didn’t know, they just told me one day as much as they knew and to keep an eye on you, and. I should have done more to protect you, they shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t know it was Chanyeol. I’m sorry, Min.”

Minseok swallows, and he didn’t put it past his old company, but. It still stings, that the people he had given his teenage years to, the company he had eventually chosen over his love, would treat him like this. Says, “It’s not your fault, Myeon.”

Junmyeon still looks uneasy, and it takes him a moment, but he says eventually, “Minseok, may I say something?”

Though Minseok is a little apprehensive, he nods, “Go on.”

Junmyeon comes a little closer, taking a stool for himself, and says carefully, “I don’t want to sound like I know what you two have been through. And I don’t know Chanyeol as well as you do, or at all, but. How do you feel, having him here? Having him work for you?”

Really, what  _ doesn’t  _ Minseok feel? He feels everything. “I don’t know. It’s been years, since I’d thought about him willingly. I’ve worked hard so he’d become just another distant memory, but. He’s too much to forget. I’ve done everything I could-”

Baekhyun opens his mouth, but Minseok pulls on his earlobe before he can say what he knows he’s about to blurt out, saying as Baekhyun whines, “Yes, even a few people,” he says; really, the  _ only  _ person he’d ever really fucked out of loneliness is Sehun, but Minseok knows that that’s not something Junmyeon would want to hear. 

He looks up, sees that Junmyeon knows what Baekhyun was about to say. His smile is sad, but there’s no resentment, and he catches Mineok’s eye, and just nods, accepting. Minseok swallows, and goes on, “Just. I don’t doubt his apology, and he’s talented in his own right to be here and work for us. But, it’s just a lot. And, to bring up what happened between us so soon, it’s been overwhelming to say the least. I don’t know what to make of his apology. It’s almost a decade too late.”

Junmyeon gives him a sad smile, and says gently, carefully, “But, he’s here now, and he came here knowing you would be here. It’s not for nothing, is it?”

Minseok swallows, and Jongdae says then, a little suddenly, but his tone careful, gentle, “There’s a reason for that, right?. And there must be a reason as to why he’s bringing this all up again, even when he knows it would hurt you both and that it could potentially burn any bridges that can be built.”

He’s right, as Jongdae tends to be. As much as Minseok is the leader and does the guiding, a lot of the time, it’s Jongdae who has the level head, who thinks cautiously for them all and pulls them together. 

Still, Minseok is reluctant, says, “I don’t really want to know why.”

“No one will make you, of course,” Baekhyun is saying then, and as loud and rowdy as he is publicly, they all know that more often than not, he’s their voice of reason. “It’s completely up to you. But, to admit his faults openly like he did, it must be a sign of growth, right? It must have taken a lot of courage to even get here.” 

And Minseok knows there must be a grain of truth in what he’s saying. Reluctant as he may be, something in his heart, his head, is saying the same thing.

.

It’s almost nine in the evening when Minseok gets to the recording studio after a whole day of dance practice, Jongin’s choreography exhausting enough that he wants to curl up into a ball and melt into the earth, and it’s quiet as he drops off his stuff in the lounge, even more so when he gets to the studio, and he’s a little surprised to see that it’s just Chanyeol today.

“Hello,” he greets him, and Chanyeol looks up from where he’d been reading some notes, eyes wide as he realizes he’s not alone. He looks undeniably nervous as he stands to bow a little to Minseok, instantly awkward between them.

As much as Minseok still harbored some regret and resentment to Chanyeol over what had happened before, he finds that his chest aches unpleasantly at the way he’s too nervous, too formal, unfamiliar with him.

Today’s recording is done within a few takes, ‘The One’ a simple, fun, straightforward track that Minseok feels would be a great second stage for music shows, and he can picture some fun choreography to go along with it already. 

“I think we’re done, that was great,” Chanyeol says, and he’s no less effusive in his praise as he had been for the past few days, but his tone is more guarded, more wary, and Chanyeol had never truly used such a tone with him. Minseok knows he shouldn’t be disappointed, shouldn’t be anything but maybe relieved, but. He can’t help but be a little sad, anyway. 

“Thank you,” he replies quietly, and. He stands near the door, looking on as Chanyeol listens over to the takes again, and he thinks to himself silently. 

He remembers what Jongdae had said, and his chest throbs, before he takes a leap of faith. 

“Will you have dinner with me?” Minseok says, hoping he doesn’t sound too shaky. He feels like he’s about to fall on his feet. 

Chanyeol looks up instantly, his eyes wide and mouth hanging open a little bit. Minseok leans in, lifts up his chin to close his mouth properly. If anything, that just makes Chanyeol even more shocked. 

“With. Me?” Chanyeol blinks at him, looking so young. “Really?”

“I want to talk about what you said the other day. I don’t think I’m being fair to you, by not hearing your reasons,” he says. “Is it okay?”

Chanyeol stands, nodding his head hard, saying for good measure, “Yes, of course. If, if it’s okay with you?”

“I invited you, didn’t I?” Minseok sighs, trying to keep his optimism. 

It’s late enough that there aren’t very many places open, but they end up in a small ramen bar that Chanyeol seems very enthusiastic about, barely large enough for twelve stools and a kitchen, and aside from the staff of four, they’re alone. 

Minseok is thankful, because this is hard enough to talk about. He wouldn’t want to be surrounded by a lot of people as he chips away at the emotions he’s held on to for years. 

As he nips away at a bowl of tantanmen, Chanyeol slurping up a bowl of shoyu, and a little plate of gyoza and a bottle of sake shared between them, Minseok thinks of how they should talk about it, because he knows they need to.

And, again. Chanyeol asks first, “Have you been practicing well?”

“We have,” Minseok tells him. He doesn’t really know what else to say. “The choreography is fun. Jongin is a very talented choreographer, he’s always very creative. I think you’d like it.”

“I’m sure I will,” Chanyeol says, and despite it all, his smile is warm, and though Minseok can tell it’s the slightest bit awkward, he can still see he’s being sincere.

It gives him the little push he needs to ask quietly, “Chanyeol, why did you agree to work for us?”

Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok sees the way his hand tightens around his chopsticks. He swallows in his apparent nervousness, before he replies after some careful thinking, “Many reasons. Just, it’s a good opportunity, as a producer, working for such an established producer like Yixing, and. Working on music for a group like CBX, having it heard by such a wide audience, it’s a great opportunity.”

It’s the job interview answer that Minseok doesn’t need to hear. He puts down his utensils, turns a bit to look at Chanyeol fully. He says, “Please tell me the truth. The real reason. You knew I would be here. You knew you would be working for  _ me.  _ Why?”

Chanyeol’s eyes are wide, and Minseok can see the exact moment he begins to tear up, his whole body vulnerable. But Chanyeol sets down his own chopsticks, and turns to look at Minseok as well, gathering his courage as Minseok never could when he says quietly, “Minnie.”

Minseok swallows, closing his eyes for a moment as the name sinks into his skin.

“Truthfully, I. I missed you,” Chanyeol admits, and he hangs his head low as he sniffs, “I’ve held in so much regret from the moment I said those  _ awful  _ words to you, and I wanted to talk to you so much. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to tell you I didn’t mean it, but. But I knew that from the second I said those words, even if I said I didn’t mean it, it didn’t matter. It still hurt you, and I knew I lost any right to talk to you.”

He says it all carefully, and Minseok can tell he’s saying it from his soul. And it doesn’t magically fix anything, it doesn’t make Minseok feel any better for the pain he’d had to endure for the better part of the last decade, but. The small relief in his chest cascades, lifting the heaviness in his chest, slowly. 

“Just. I didn’t know how else to talk to you again,” he continues. “I waited too long, I gathered up my courage to apologize too late. You moved away and became Xiumin and I didn’t know how to approach you anymore. So, I thought. At least through music, I could show you my best effort, my sincerity. And even if you don’t accept it, it’s. It’s enough, to hear you sing the songs I’d made for you. At least a bit of our dream together would be achieved, then.”

Minseok’s chest splits, and he feels his heart break as Chanyeol speaks. He looks away as he clears his throat, not knowing what to think, or what to say. 

It’s almost too much to unpack.

“I must be very different now,” Minseok says instead, smiling sadly. 

Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok catches the small shake of his head, even beneath the scarf he has around his neck. “It’s. No. You’ve grown, and everything you’ve gone through since the last time we saw each other, I can see. It’s made you so much braver. But, you know. You’re still the same.”

Minseok chuckles to himself. “Braver? That doesn’t seem right.”

“You’re here having dinner and talking to the idiot who broke your heart, aren’t you?” Chanyeol says, and he goes quiet, his cheeks going pink.

“What? What is it?” Minseok looks at him.

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol says. His pupils shake a little as he goes on, “It’s just. It’s. You were always brave. It’s. It’s the side of you that I loved most.”

And Minseok’s chest aches, not so much in pain, but more of resignation, of reminiscence. As much as he can see how Chanyeol has changed, broader shoulders and thicker arms, as much as he can hear it, his voice so much deeper than it had been when they were teenagers, he’s still the same. Same bright doe eyes, same dimples that Minseok had kissed so often that he had memorized the depth of the crevice, still the same (then) endearing inability to hide what he felt. 

“I don’t know if we can be like that anymore,” Minseok tells him honestly. He will  _ always  _ have love for Chanyeol, he had painfully admitted to himself after years of dealing with his emotions in less than healthy ways. But, it will never be the same as it was.

“I know,” Chanyeol says. His tone is still sad, despite the acceptance of the truth. 

“Then why did you tell me all of this?” Minseok asks him. The questions burn at his throat. “Why did you bring everything up the other day? Was it so I would forgive you?”

“No, not because of that,” Chanyeol says. He takes his time before he tells him slowly, “It was because I needed to tell you that I know I was wrong, and that you had every right to cut me off from your life. And, mostly. So that I could finally tell you how proud I am of you. How happy I am that you made it. And. And that I don’t deserve you anyway. Forgiveness would be wonderful, but I know I don’t have the right to ask that from you.”

He blinks, and his eyes shine behind his spectacles, and he looks sad, but. Thankful, almost put at a certain ease, and Minseok somehow understands. 

It  _ had  _ been almost ten years. Chanyeol must have held in all that regret with such a heavy heart. And while Minseok cannot let him off the hook yet, he’s happy that Chanyeol must be feeling a little lightness to finally have an opportunity to say all of this.

“You could have at least warmed me up to it. You just dropped it all out of nowhere,” Minseok tells him.

Chanyeol gives him a guilty small smile, “I didn’t know if I would ever get another moment alone with you, even if I asked. But. Mostly, it’s because I didn’t want to lose my nerve and just keep delaying my apology until it would inevitably lead to me never getting the chance and - well. You know. Snowball.”

And does Minseok  _ ever.  _

He can’t help the small laugh he lets out, because even after all this time. Chanyeol is still the same, and it’s a relief and a worry at the same time. 

But. They’re getting there. Minseok feels his heart heal, a little bit more.

“I forgive you,” he says. It’s beautifully freeing.

Chanyeol stares at him, eyes wide, the apples of his cheeks pink. “What?”

Minseok offers him a gentle smile. “It’s been exhausting. Making myself hate you, when I know that I can’t. I’ve never had it in me to hate you, and I don’t want to force it anymore. You were never a bad memory. I was hurt, and you shouldn’t have said all the things you said. But we were young, and things like me moving away and pursuing this life far from you aren’t easy. I understand now. When we were young, and together and wanting the world for each other but wanting to stay together. It’s scary.”

Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok sees his eyes soften, his mouth tug slightly at the corners in a sad, melancholic smile. “You  _ really  _ did mean the world to me, Minnie.”

Minseok returns the smile. It doesn’t feel as strained as it had been. “You did, too.”

And Chanyeol cries, but it looks like he’s feeling the same lightness Minseok must be feeling. Minseok did not know that forgiveness would be so freeing, on both their parts. 

“Can. Can we be friends?” Chanyeol asks him innocently, hopefully. 

Minseok looks at him, and it will take a long time, but. “Let’s work on it.”

.

Baekhyun and Jongdae are thoroughly winded when Minseok says he won’t be going back to the dorm with them after dance practice because  _ “Chanyeol and I are eating out.” _

“A  _ date,”  _ Baekhyun whispers, eyes wide, and Jongdae blinks at Minseok, his lips pouted in shock. “He’s going on a  _ date,  _ Dae-”

“It is  _ not,”  _ Minseok glares at them. “We agreed to work on our friendship. We’re just catching up.”

“But isn’t this like the third time this week? That’s a  _ lot  _ of catching up,” Jongdae says, raising an eyebrow at him. Minseok rolls his eyes, but he feels his face flush as the two of them snicker at him.

“We’re just friends,” Minseok tells them, before pausing for a moment. “Well, we’re working on it.”

“Famous last words,” Baekhyun says, and Minseok grabs the back of his neck, making him cower. 

“I’m happy for you, hyung,” Jongdae says, smiling warmly at him. “That must have taken a lot of courage.”

Minseok pauses again, and Baekhyun takes the opportunity to wriggle his way out of his hold and pull him into a sweaty, stinky koala hug, arms hanging over his shoulders as he lifts his legs off the ground and hangs on to him as Minseok sighs. Usual occurrence. 

“It’s. Surprisingly easy,” Minseok admits, because it had been. Because even though it’s been years, he and Chanyeol fall into their old rhythms with ease. Because listening to Chanyeol talk and light up about the things he’s passionate about is still the easiest thing in the world, and while it’s harder for him to talk about himself, Chanyeol is patient, encouraging, and they’re both so different now, but. The two of them, when they’re together, they still feel the same. 

“That’s because he’s  _ obviously  _ still in love with you,” Baekhyun notes, giving Minseok a little glare. “And we know that you know that.”

Minseok stays quiet, because he knows Baekhyun isn’t wrong. Chanyeol is too transparent, and it’s in the way he looks at Minseok, in the gentle tone he always uses with him, and the way his eyes are just too bright to be anything else.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for anything like that,” Minseok tells them, and he sees the way they look at each other. But, he says nothing, not knowing what he’d say anyway.

When he and Chanyeol are walking through the street later on, the sky dark and the hour late and the air slightly nippy, perfect for hot fish cake soup and spicy and sweet rice cakes after a dinner of grilled meat, he thinks about it again. Looks on as Chanyeol cheerfully orders, asking for a few bottles of beer as he goes, and Minseok doesn’t know if they’re at the point where he can ask this comfortably. 

He asks anyway, “Chanyeol. Do you still love me?”

Chanyeol chokes on a quail egg, rather viscerally, and Minseok startles as he coughs out red sauce. He lifts up his cup of water to Chanyeol’s mouth, coaxing him to drink as he places his hand under his chin to catch the liquid. 

“Sorry, I should have waited,” Minseok says apologetically, but Chanyeol shakes his head, clearing his throat and patting his cheeks but he turns red anyway.

“No, no. It’s okay,” Chanyeol says, but his whole face is flushed and Minseok still feels bad. Chanyeol shifts a little in his plastic stool, looking so young, and Minseok is reminded of the days when they’d eat out in the street like this, in small stools in the cold, teasing each other and having fun. 

He swallows the memory down, and it’s not a bad memory. It’s just, it’s been a while, and small happy things like that are sometimes the most painful.

Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok can see the answer in his eyes, even before he speaks. Bright, but with an aching softness, as he tells him, “It’s not like I had ever stopped, Minnie.”

Minseok looks at him, and their mutual gaze is long, silent. He watches as Chanyeol’s cheeks get redder and redder, from the cold and from his admission, and. To say how he feels, openly, with little prompting, had been one of the things Minseok had loved most about him.

Right now, however. He’s unsure.

“And. If I didn’t love you, why would I find you, come work for you, even if chances were you still hated me?” Chanyeol tells him. He pauses, and he adds sheepishly, “I must sound pathetic to you.”

“You don’t,” Minseok tells him. He really doesn’t, and if anything, Minseok is thankful that he’s honest. Appreciates him greatly, despite the current awkwardness. “You’re not pathetic, Chanyeol. I just, I don’t know how to respond, is all.”

“You don’t need to,” Chanyeol says, waving his big hands and trying to reassure him. “Just. This is enough. Becoming friends, slowly, getting to talk like this, it’s all things I never thought I would be able to have. I don’t want to pressure you into anything you don’t want.”

Minseok looks at him, and his chest throbs with everything. “I’m sorry I can’t offer you more right now.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry,” he says. His smile is sad, but sincere. “Don’t think like that.”

“Force of habit,” Minseok says. Chanyeol pouts at him, and Minseok laughs quietly. “It’s okay. We’re okay.”

“Really?” Chanyeol asks him, blinking. He’s much too cute, and Minseok looks down, trying not to get too overwhelmed by it all.

“Yeah. We’re working on it, aren’t we?” Minseok replies. Chanyeol smiles, and Minseok hopes he can be stronger, braver than he actually is. 

.

The jacket shooting takes the whole day and several outfit changes, many of which are based on the concept Baekhyun had suggested in jest, thinking the company would  _ never  _ let them go for  _ ‘19+ glitter disco!’ _

_ “Byun,”  _ Minseok glares at Baekhyun as the one makeup artist brushes gold dust liberally on his cheeks and purple and black glitter on his eyes, another carefully attaching crystals and gems in a glittering constellation on his face. Baekhyun beams unabashedly as his hair is being styled, and Jongdae is already finished, being directed by another staff member on how to wear his clothes. “I look-”

_ “Amazing,”  _ Baekhyun grins salaciously, puckering his lips eagerly for his lip gloss. “This is my best idea yet.”

“I’m going to kick your ass,” Minseok says, glaring. “And why are they putting so much on  _ me,  _ you and Dae barely got anything-”

“Because  _ you’re the visual,  _ Minseok,” Junmyeon says from somewhere in the back, watching everything unfold with a smirk. 

Baekhyun nods, grinning even wider, and Minseok is about to refute them because  _ no  _ he is not, when he’s being handed his first outfit, a full-lace purple turtleneck top on the top of the pile, and he  _ glares  _ at Baekhyun even harder.

“No ham in your kimbap tonight,” Minseok hisses at him, and Baekhyun just blows him a kiss, saying Jongdae will share with him anyway. 

Because he is a consummate professional, he goes through the shoot with little more complaints, and everyone on the shoot has high energy so it’s not too difficult to get into the headspace of becoming a  _ ‘19+ glitter disco vampire!’  _ as their photographer keeps saying, much to Baekhyun’s delight and his chagrin.

It is just his luck, when he comes out to the most  _ ridiculous  _ outfit of the day, that Yixing comes into the set, and tagging along behind him is Chanyeol, his ears sticking out beneath his cap and his coat so long it’s practically a blanket.

Minseok  _ glares  _ at Baekhyun, who ignores him and bounces up to Yixing with a dopey smile on his face, and he can  _ feel  _ Chanyeol’s eyes on him, stunned. 

“I thought we were meeting up later?” Minseok asks him, trying to shy away from his eyes, but the sheer, cropped black button-down they’d dressed him in isn’t doing him any favors, the floral appliques on it barely doing anything to cover his chest, and most of his stomach exposed. 

“Yixing and I finished early today - is that a dog collar?” his eyes go even wider, and Minseok lets out a little laugh that he doesn’t really feel. 

“And sequined stockings,” he says, unamused and resigned, thankful that they are at least underneath his leather pants, the shimmering pink fabric and shiny purple sequins peeking through the ripped portions on his thigh and knees. “Sorry you had to see me like this.”

“Why are you sorry? You look  _ great,”  _ Chanyeol tells him, and Minseok can see he means it, and is probably liking it  _ too  _ much, with the way he’s trying to stop staring so Minseok won’t feel so uncomfortable, but his eyes flitter now and again. “Um. Abs.”

Minseok laughs, can’t help it, because even though he feels ridiculous, Chanyeol’s attention isn’t so unwanted. “I’ve been working hard.”

“You should be proud.”

“I’m pretty sure they dressed me in men’s lingerie,” Minseok sighs. Chanyeol’s eyes bug out, and Minseok goes on, “Not that there’s anything wrong with it, or any of the glitter, but Jongdae got a leather suit and it’s like I’m doing a whole other concept.”

“You seem to be pulling it off really well,” Chanyeol says, and he tries to say it with nonchalance, but his ears are burning red and his voice is  _ just  _ a bit too high to be casual, and Minseok smiles a little for him, reaching up to pull at his ear to tease him a little. 

“Don’t enjoy it too much,” he tells him, to which Chanyeol clears his throat and nods, and. It’s a little miracle, that Minseok feels comfortable enough to do this with him. A month ago, Minseok didn’t think he could even have the courage to be in the same room as Chanyeol. 

It’s comfortable. While they’re not the same as they were before, there is a lightness, an affection that Minseok will always have for him, and they’re working on it, more and more, and before he had even known it, Chanyeol is in his life, and he likes having him there. 

“We’ll be another hour or so. Will you be around?” he asks him, putting down his hand as a staff member comes up to him to touch-up the gold along his cheekbones. 

“Of course. Work hard,” Chanyeol says cheerfully, and Minseok rolls his eyes a little as he chuckles, allowing himself to be steered back to set. 

“So. You’re getting friendly,” Junmyeon steps in with him, offering him his water bottle with his straw. 

Minseok rolls his eyes harder at him as he sips, knowing either Jongdae or Baekhyun must have blabbed about their non-dates to him. “We’re not doing anything that friends wouldn’t do. We’re just talking again.”

“Minseok,” Junmyeon starts, and Minseok can recognize the tone of his voice instantly. It’s careful, cautious, the way it always is before Junmyeon has to share  _ News _ with him, or if he has to ask some  _ Questions  _ that he knows wouldn’t be comfortable. “I don’t know if you notice it, but, the way-”

“He looks at me?” Minseok says. His chest throbs. “I know.”

“No,” Junmyeon says. His voice is even more wary now. “The way  _ you  _ look at  _ him.  _ It’s, it’s different. Be careful.”

And Minseok feels like he’d been plunged into ice water, feeling his chest pound and his head cloud over and then clearing up instantly. 

And he knows that Junmyeon is right. 

He’s known it, ever since that day with the A&R team as they picked out their title song, the day that Chanyeol had found his way back into his life. He knows that even if he says he’s not ready for anything like that, even though he’d been truly so  _ hurt  _ over what had happened between them, that the way he looks at Chanyeol is more than just fondness or nostalgia. They had broken up so suddenly, and while he had been angry, they had parted with him still being  _ so in love,  _ and. He doesn’t think he’d ever stopped, either. 

He knows it’s  _ more,  _ despite everything he had denied himself. __

He’s scared. He’s scared. 

He looks up at Junmyeon, knowing it’s all over his face. Junmyeon’s gaze is gentle, sympathetic, and Minseok can’t breathe. 

The stylist pulls him away from Junmyeon and back to the bar set-up where Baekhyun and Jongdae are being directed into position, and Minseok mindlessly follows the instructions given to him, feeling like his whole body is still cold. He looks up, and sees Chanyeol near the back, watching everything with an innocent awe, but notices Minseok looking at him almost instantly, and his face lights up in a grin.

Minseok’s breath is caught in his throat, and he feels himself tremble with uncertainty. 

.

Dinner is easy, as it had been for the past few weeks. It was Chanyeol’s turn to choose, and he had chosen Chinese, because he had known Minseok had been wanting for some shabu-shabu, pre-comeback diet be damned. 

Minseok should be concerned, that they’re falling into these things like they hadn’t stopped. Things like taking turns of choosing where to eat, ordering and suggesting new dishes to try to each other, just. Talking, laughing, not quite like before. But still something warm, something gentle and bright that Minseok finds himself treasuring quietly to himself. 

He didn’t know it would be like this. He didn’t know that in the end, he’s still so  _ weak  _ for Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol insists on driving him back to the dorm, and Minseok doesn’t refute him. It’s easier this way, Minseok tells himself, grasping at straws so he doesn’t think about how much he wants to stay near him. 

Chanyeol’s car etiquette is still achingly similar to how it had been when they had been in high school; almost too big for the driver’s seat, vibing along to the music and singing or yelling along, not missing a beat, just. Being himself, purely happy, like he didn’t care who was watching. 

Minseok watches him, can’t help his smile, shaking his head when Chanyeol tries to get him to sing along with him, knowing he needs to save his voice as much as possible for the multiple stages they’ll be doing in a month or so’s time. It’s enough, to sit next to him, watch him be unabashedly himself. 

The route Chanyeol takes is the long one, and Minseok doesn’t bother to tell him the shortcut. 

_ “‘Everybody say, C-B-X!’”  _ Chanyeol shouts, banging his head along as he  _ jams,  _ and Minseok chuckles to himself, watching the road as they stop at a light. Chanyeol, somehow, knows even their Japanese releases by heart, not missing a word as he karaokes by himself, having too much fun. 

He’d been like this, for as long as Minseok has known him. So wholly expressive, unable to hide his joys, his pains, feeling everything with every cell in his body, with every capacity he had, and it’s a small comfort that he had not grown out of it. 

Though, Minseok reminds himself quietly that it had a hand to their relationship’s sudden demise; Chanyeol’s feeling  _ too much  _ and Minseok  _ hiding  _ it all, and he hopes, almost ten years later, that at least in  _ this,  _ they will improve.

“Oh,  _ oh, oh,”  _ Chanyeool bounces excitedly in his seat, turning up the volume when he recognizes the upcoming song. Minseok pauses, ears perking as the instrumental picks up, and he lets out a small exhale when he remembers.  _ “‘It’s you,”  _ Chanyeol sings, even doing the narration, and emoting with everything he has. 

Minseok remembers this song viscerally. How it had been in heavy rotation, how Chanyeol had always sang from the top of his lungs everyday as he drove them back home after class, how the voices of Super Junior had somehow, weirdly but appropriately enough, become the soundtrack to their late afternoons, cramped in the back of Chanyeol’s car, Minseok straddling Chanyeol’s thighs and rolling down his ass as they kissed and licked into each other’s mouths and hands skimming everywhere. How it had been one of  _ their  _ last songs, a song they claimed together, within the last few months before Minseok had begun traveling back and forth to the city for his training, until they had snapped and broke. 

Minseok moved on to Seoul, and they supposedly moved on with their lives. Minseok hadn’t heard this song, in this way, blaring out through the speakers of a car, in years. 

But, it’s apparent that Chanyeol did not move on from this song. Kept it in his life, singing along to every word, feeling it all, like it wasn’t the painful reminder of their past like it was to Minseok.

Once upon a time, Minseok believed that the lyrics were  _ for them.  _ That no matter what would happen, no matter what his new opportunity may bring him, they would still choose each other. 

But. It had not worked out that way.

Still. It stings, and while he regrets none of his decisions that have led him to here, he knows. He wishes, sometimes,  _ often.  _ That they had made it, that the song still rang true. 

He’s quiet as Chanyeol sings, hitting the high notes at the final chorus with ease as he drives, such a beautiful timbre that Minseok wishes he would show to the world more, but Chanyeol always wanted to express his music in a different way. He had stayed the same in this way, too. 

“Wahhh,” Chanyeol says, shaking his head in awe as the song winds down, “This song;  _ this song.  _ Still holds up.”

“Really did,” Minseok admits. He’d watched Super Junior in quite a few concerts over the years, and this song had always proved to be a showstopper. Never stopped the way his throat would feel clogged, his chest full and tight with emotions he tried to bury. 

“Do you remember this song?” Chanyeol asks him then, and Minseok chuckles.

“How could I forget,” Minseok replies. “We lost our car sex virginities to this song.”

Chanyeol chokes on a breath, and Minseok pats his back as he coughs, and Minseok watches as his cheeks pink, then go fully red, right up to his ears. The memory must be replaying in his head, and Minseok doesn’t know if it’s as vivid as his own memory of the moment, but he supposes it is, because Chanyeol can’t even look at him as he replies, “Y-Yeah, that we did.”

“I hope you got those stains out, eventually,” Minseok says, and Chanyeol whines, goes even redder. And he didn’t think that he would just speak so casually about things like this, things he and Chanyeol did together, their intimate memories, the moments they shared that Minseok had done with little else. 

But the words come naturally, the memories don’t sting a much as they had, and Minseok looks for the brightness of Chanyeol’s eyes, the blush on his cheeks, and. 

He has to stop. 

“I never did,” Chanyeol pouts, “Yoora always gave me shit for it, made fun of me all the time. I could never let Mom ride in the back or else she’d see and ask and I was stressed the whole time I had that car.”

Minseok laughs, patting his knee gently, and they move on to the next song, and as always, Chanyeol sings along, a beautiful tone Minseok can never get too much of. He’s wondered, ever since they were young, why Chanyeol never pursued it the way Minseok did. To sing, to be a performer, when Minseok  _ knows  _ that between them, Chanyeol had always been the talented one, the better singer, the one who was more gifted musically. 

He brings it up, saying, “It’s been a while since I’ve said this, but you know, you really  _ can  _ be a singer, too. You  _ should  _ be one.”

Chanyeol smiles, and tells him gently, honestly, “I’d really rather hear you sing, Minnie.”

Minseok rolls his eyes at him, “You always used to say that too.”

“And I still mean it,” he tells him, smiling still, and Minseok can tell there is a small shift in the air between them. Not heavy, but not light either; a tension that is saying  _ more, more,  _ but Minseok doesn’t know what to do with it.

“We’ve had a lot of memories together, didn’t we?” Chanyeol says as he steers, and they’re nearing Minseok’s dorm. He’s not ready to leave, not ready to leave it just here.

And Minseok swallows the pebble that had formed in his throat, trying to calm his tight,  _ tight  _ chest, and says, “Remember when we were kids?”

“Hmm?” Chanyeol hums.

“You know, when my mom, and your mom, and really most of the aunties that would always be over at either of our places,” Minseok says, maybe a little too quickly as he tries not to lose his nerve, “They would always ask you for kisses, remember?”

Chanyeol’s hand pauses on the wheel, and Minseok doesn’t miss the way his fingers tighten. “Yeah, I used to carry around a hankie all the time because I was always a drooly kid.”

“So whenever they said,  _ ‘Chanyeol bobo,’  _ you’d wipe your mouth and then go up to them and give them cheek kisses,” Minseok says. His heart pounds, as he continues, “And, I ended up watching and copying them.”

“I remember,” Chanyeol says, and his smile is small, nostalgic, and a little sad. “We were babies, then. Just copying whatever the grown-ups would do. So, you started saying ‘Chanyeol bobo,’ too, and I would waddle up to you and kiss you, right on the mouth, because you were puckering your lips too,” he laughs, and Minseok feels his chest throb even harder. “Our moms always found it so cute. I don’t know if you were just copying what they were doing, or if you really wanted me to kiss you, though.”

Minseok doesn’t say anything for a moment, thinking as they come up to Minseok’s street. Eventually, he gathers his courage, anything he might have left, even the smallest slivers, and he says, “I must have wanted it, because I didn’t stop asking for kisses, even when we were in high school.”

Chanyeol is quiet. Minseok doesn’t know if he touched a nerve, or if he said something out of turn, but. He supposes it’s better to keep quiet too, and he is for the rest of the ride. 

They have another few minutes of silence, and Chanyeol speaks then, “I wanted to kiss you, too. You were so cute, and. I’ve loved you ever since we were babies.”

And Minseok feels like he’s about to break. 

He closes his eyes, and gives in. 

“If I asked you now, what would you do?”

Chanyeol looks at him, eyes blinking, confused at the question as he stops the car in front of Minseok’s building. 

Minseok feels his hands shake, and he wants, he  _ wants.  _ “Chanyeol, bobo.”

Chanyeol freezes, and Minseok can see the way his hands fidget on the wheel. He’s still for so long, Minseok  _ knows  _ he did something wrong.

He opens his mouth to apologize, but Chanyeol is  _ there,  _ then, leaning over and inches away from his face, and Minseok feels his heart stop. 

Chanyeol holds his face in his hands, cradling him gently, and Minseok feels himself tremble as his face is tilted up, and his eyes meet Chanyeol’s. 

Like two stars, his gaze tender, so full of  _ affection  _ that Minseok wondered how,  _ how  _ he had lived without it for as long as he had.

And Chanyeol kisses him, as asked, and. 

Minseok melts, parting his lips as Chanyeol licks into his mouth carefully, and it feels like  _ home.  _ He feels everything, filling him up, like his body is too small a confinement for how overwhelmed he is as he’s kissed, Chanyeol’s lips so soft on his own. Their mouths slide against each other, slick and warm and Minseok breathes him in, wants  _ more,  _ wants as much as he’s allowed, and Chanyeol gives him, generously, selflessly, kissing him and holding him close, like he’s something precious when Minseok knows he’s  _ not.  _

It’s not like he’d forgotten how to kiss, or how Chanyeol had kissed him. But, even now, even years later, it feels as wonderful as it did then, as shattering and beautiful as he had remembered, but. Still so  _ new,  _ gentle and bright and like nothing he had felt before. 

It feels like a first kiss, with every accompanying excitement and tingle and newness, but so familiar still, lovely and warm and Minseok feels himself light up, but in a warm glow, comforting and bright.

When they part, it’s slow, exhaling and inhaling with their mouths barely an inch away from each other, and Minseok feels like his whole body is hot, sparked up. Chanyeol’s eyes are dazed, looking down at his mouth before flittering up to meet his gaze, and Minseok wants to pull him back in, kiss him again, feel  _ all of that  _ all over again, sink into him and just give everything he has to give.

But, even as he licks his lips again, he pulls back, and looks down, trying to calm the heat in his cheeks. He says slowly, softly, “I, I should get going.”

Chanyeol blinks, and Minseok watches him swallow, and lean back into his seat, nodding as he says in a stunned voice, “Yeah. It’s late.”

Minseok feels a little cold, his chest pained in the way he knows he’s doing something he doesn’t want. That either of them want, really, but he just nods as well, and says, “Thank you for giving me a ride home.”

“Of course, anything for you,” Chanyeol says, and Minseok breathes deeply as he says, “Good night.”

“Night,” he says, before leaving the car, and going into the building as fast as he can. He’s so flustered and overwhelmed he almost forgets to greet the dorm manager and guard, and he goes straight into his room, ignoring Jongdae and Baekhyun before they can question him.

His head is too full, his heart almost even moreso, and. He can still feel the plushness of Chanyeol’s mouth against his own, a phantom touch that he can’t shake off, nor does he  _ want  _ to. He’s so confused, so conflicted, and he doesn’t know what to do.

.

He knows he shouldn’t act impulsively, stupidly, do anything that would make this any more complicated than it needs to be.

Of course, he’s stupid, really so  _ stupid,  _ and he goes over to Sehun’s place.

“Oh,  _ fuck,”  _ he moans, and Sehun whines beneath him, raising his ass up higher so Minseok can pound into him, sink his cock into his hole. “So tight, Hunnie-”

“Fuck me, Minseok,  _ fuck,”  _ Sehun whines, gasping loudly and collapsing down to his elbows as Minseok hammers into him, driving his cock into his ass and cramming him full, the sound of their skin slapping audible and obscene. Minseok growls as Sehun tightens around his length, and he slams into him harder and harder still, watching as his hole swallows him up.

“So tight, spread yourself for me, Sehun,” he says, and Sehun doesn’t wait to obey, reaching back and taking his cheeks in his hands, and Minseok moans as he takes in the sight of his cock pistoning into Sehun’s ass, and really, while he and Sehun both know that they aren’t for each other at all, all they’ll ever be is fuck buddies and occasional dance partners for their concerts and stages, the fucking is  _ never  _ not good.

“Come on, fuck me harder,” Sehun purrs, spreading his knees further, and Minseok groans. Reaches down and pushes Sehun’s head down to his pillows, and he  _ rams  _ in, his hips smacking against Sehun’s ass as he pistons into him, the skin turning red and will surely be bruised with how hard he goes. 

He goes harder still, trying to make himself think of nothing, trying to empty his brain and just. Not think about what had happened the night before, and how it had made him feel  _ everything.  _

“Oh,  _ right there,  _ Min,” Sehun whimpers against the sheets, rolling his hips back and getting Minseok in deeper, “right there, fill me up-”

“Fuck,  _ fuck, take it, Hunnie,”  _ Minseok grunts, gripping Sehun’s waist tightly and pulling his body back to his cock, plowing into him hard, wanting,  _ needing  _ to exhaust himself from thinking too much. “You close?”

“Hmmm, yeah,” Sehun moans, raising himself up back on all fours, looking over his shoulder and giving Minseok a little smirk. “Give it to me, I know you want to-”

_ “Fuck, yes,”  _ Minseok hisses,  _ plowing  _ and  _ ramming  _ into him, stuffing him full with his cock, grinding in and leaving no room for anything else. “Let me hear you, Hunnie. Does my cock make you feel good?”

Sehun moans, loudly, throwing his head and his ass back, “So  _ good,  _ so thick inside me, so fucking hard. Use me, Minseok, use my hole-”

And  _ oh.  _ Minseok chokes on a breath, and he pauses, the words hitting close to home. 

Sehun must notice, because he pushes his ass back, making Minseok gasp as his hole tightens around his length, grinding back against him and essentially fucking himself on his cock.

“Don’t overthink it,” Sehun says, reassuring, and Minseok breathes slowly, because Sehun  _ gets it.  _ He might not know the circumstance, but he reads Minseok well, saying, “Fuck me, Minseok. Fill me up, come on-”

Minseok breathes slowly, but, as Sehun fucks himself back on his length, he eventually picks up his pace again, hard and rough enough that they both are immersed in each other, moaning for each other, forgetting who they’re each thinking of, at least for now.

“Oh,  _ fucking me so well,”  _ Sehun whimpers, and Minseok feels his hole clench and wink around his driving cock, so fucking  _ good.  _ Minseok reaches down, cupping his asscheeks in his hands and  _ squeezing,  _ rolling the flesh around his palms, and he watches how Sehun’s shoulders shake, his back shimmering with sweat. “Your cock is so good, it -  _ oh, oh, ohhh,”  _ he trails off, his pitch rising as Minseok  _ slams  _ into him, one, two,  _ three,  _ and as soon as Minseok reaches down to take Sehun’s cock in his hand, he comes with a shout after a few pumps, shooting over his rumpled bed sheet.

Sehun’s ass is  _ tight,  _ clenching gorgeously around his cock, and Minseok throws his head back, fucking in once, twice, and then moaning loudly as he comes into the condom, rutting and grinding in deeper into his body. 

Shit.  _ Shit.  _

He pulls out, breathing deeply, letting the orgasm take over him for at least for the next few minutes, before his brain is full of logic again. Sehun hums casually, falling on to the clean side of his bed and balling up the dirtied sheet as Minseok stands to rid himself of the condom, before he comes back to the bed, Sehun patting the empty side next to him with a little mischievous grin.

“Sorry about that,” Minseok says, feeling a little embarrassed, and very guilty, because yes, he  _ had  _ just slept with Sehun to distract himself from his very muddled thoughts about Chanyeol. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Sehun says, waving him off nonchalantly. He smiles, laying on his side and leaning his head on his palm, says, “You’re still in top form today, but. Your head is somewhere else.”

Minseok miles wryly. “How could you tell?”

Sehun chuckles, leaning down to lick at Minseok’s bottom lip, before saying, “Please, like we haven’t been doing this long enough for me to not know when your head isn’t in it. And I knew from the moment you called me up. Your head is  _ out there.” _

Minseok winces, and he sighs. And he decides to tell him what’s on his mind, and what had happened. 

While Baekhyun, Jongdae, and even Junmyeon, are his family, his platonic soulmates for life and he can trust them with anything, sometimes they don't understand. He and Sehun are friends, great friends, who often fuck, mostly out of loneliness and yearning for something more. Sehun understood, and Sehun was going through something intimately similar, so he would be more or less non-judgemental about Minseok’s feelings. 

Minseok tells him, Sehun listens, and by the end of his rambling, Sehun is curled around him, legs over Minseok’s and twirling his green hair between his fingers, humming as Minseok winds down, breathing slowly as he remembers with a pang how much he had liked Chanyeol’s lips on his. How he had felt a little more alive, a little more. Himself.

“Minseok, you have  _ feelings,”  _ Sehun says, smiling, and Minseok knows him well enough that he’s not teasing him; from Sehun’s mouth, it’s a compliment.

“I guess I do,” Minseok says, sighing a little. He looks up at Sehun, says, “I’m really sorry for using you to distract myself.”

Sehun waves him off, telling him, “Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry for using you too, but also. Not sorry, because you’re a really great lay.”

Minseok rolls his eyes, but he lets Sehun naked spoon him, patting his hip as they lay there together in thought. “What do you think I should do?”

“Tell him, duh,” Sehun says. Minseok looks at him pointedly. “Really. Tell him. He’s been in your head for weeks and maybe it’s time to let yourself have something, hmm?”

“You should let yourself have something good, too,” Minseok says, and Sehun sighs dramatically, shoving him off as he sighs even more at the ceiling.

“The way you burn me, even after I take your dick up my ass,” he says. “The best fucking of your life-”

Minseok rolls his eyes, and reaches over to pat Sehun’s ass. “And I will miss this, but. It’s time to call it, isn’t it?”

Sehun sighs, but Minseok catches the smile on his face. “Gonna miss your dick.”

“Please, you’ll get another one soon,” Minseok tells him, and Sehun smiles even more dopily. 

They’re quiet again for a few moments, taking it all in, Sehun typing away on his phone and Minseok staring at the ceiling, just trying to breathe.

“Kinda scared,” Minseok admits. He’s really, truly terrified. 

Sehun hums. Reaches down to take his hand in his in a comforting, supportive grip. “It’s okay, Min. It’s normal to be scared. But, I mean it. Let him in.”

“Last time, I burned,” he says. He swallows, and he really,  _ truly,  _ had forgiven Chanyeol for it. But the memory of it is hard to forget. 

Sehun glances at him. Tells him, “I don’t know if you noticed it, Min, but. Holding it all in by yourself, and I don’t just mean the Chanyeol thing; your responsibilities as leader, taking care of the team and always shouldering it all, just. You, forcing yourself to be strong all the time. You’re burning on your own, right now. Have been for a long time.”

He touches a nerve Minseok didn’t even know he had. He swallows heavily, and his chest throbs as he takes in what Sehun had said. 

He’s not wrong. 

“I’m  _ honored,  _ really, to be your stress reliever and distraction,” Sehun tells him. “I get nailed good, so really, we both win. But, maybe, you need another outlet? Not just an outlet, but someone to really talk to, share your worries with, someone you can really trust? Maybe even love, if you’re open to it.”

Minseok considers the words, and he hopes for himself.

.

Minseok doesn’t see Chanyeol for the next few days. Not because he’s avoiding him,  _ really,  _ but their schedule is packed with rehearsals for most of the day, and then wrapping up the reality show for their channel, doing magazine shoots and interviews, and then, late as it is, a busy two-day shoot for the music video. 

Everything is so tightly scheduled that they barely have time to eat, one scene after another and not much time they can waste and Minseok wishes he had  _ time,  _ just to breathe, but also. He’s thankful, almost, that he doesn’t have the time to think, to dwell on his emotions, to even attempt to untangle his mess of a head.

It’s past two in the morning, and they’ve been here since six of the morning before, and everyone is dead tired and even Baekhyun isn’t in the mood to joke around as he usually does. They’d snuck in naps in the makeshift dressing room of the set between takes, taking turns for their solo shots as they get in some shut-eye. Minseok and Junmyeon are watching over it all, and Minseok monitors with Jongin for the dance scenes. 

“Yeah, that’s good,” Jongin says, beaming at Minseok after he’d reviewed the takes for Minseok’s solo dance breaks, a pain to do in these trousers that did  _ not  _ agree with his thighs, but nevertheless, Minseok had been well pleased with the way the scene turned out. “Really good, hyung, you did great. Our  _ main dancer-” _

“Okay, thank you Jongin,” Minseok stops him right there, reaching over to hug him from the side in thanks, feeling embarrassed.

“Alright, I think we can move along to the next set-up,” their director tells them, smiling. “You and Baekhyun ready, Minseok?” 

“I’m ready. Baekhyun, well. I pray for Junmyeon,” Minseok says.

“We’re just preparing the set,” they say, “Can you both come down in about twenty minutes?”

“Sure thing,” he says, smiling kindly, and he makes to go back to the dressing room to help their manager wake Baekhyun up from his nap, but he stops in his steps when he sees who’s just arrived. 

Chanyeol’s dressed in a warm corduroy coat over a jacket and a plain shirt, jeans very holey and hair extra fluffy, and Minseok stares as Chanyeol looks around, blinking his big doe eyes, and Minseok tries to quell the nervous warmth in his chest, happy but unsure of what to do. It doesn’t take very long for Chanyeol to find him, and when he does, his eyes become especially bright, shy, and Minseok doesn’t move away when Chanyeol comes closer, closer still, and before Minseok can say something, Chanyeol lifts up a cup of coffee right in front of him. 

Minseok stares at it, before Looking up at Chanyeol again, confused. “What’s this?”

“Coffee, for you,” Chanyeol says. His ears are red. “I don’t know if you still have coffee this way, but I got you a latte and two brown sugar packets.”

Minseok blinks, and he feels his own face heat up. He takes the cup, and it’s warm in his hands, and when he takes a quick whiff from the opening, it smells freshly made. He looks at Chanyeol, says, “It’s almost three in the morning.”

“I know,” Chanyeol says. His smile is shy.

Minseok stares on, saying, “It’s really late. Or, too early. Aren’t you tired?”

“I don’t mind,” he says, and he shuffles on his feet a little moving closer to him. “We haven’t seen each other since. Since, yeah.”

He goes bright red as he trails off, embarrassed, and Minseok feels the blush flush across his face as well as he remembers what had happened the last time. Sometimes, he thinks he can still feel Chanyeol’s mouth on his own, though it’s been days since then.

“I wanted to see you, so. I thought of going over to your dorm again, but Junmyeon said you guys would be shooting well into the morning, and. I got too anxious and couldn’t sleep anyway so I decided to come here,” he rambles. He goes even redder in the face, looking really embarrassed, and he says, “I, I hope I’m not overstepping, or anything, or. Shit, maybe I should have messaged you first before I came here, you’re probably really busy, I’m sorry-”

“No, it’s okay,” Minseok says, taking a sip of the coffee to appease him. It’s hot, lovely and not too sweet, nor too bitter on his tongue, and Chanyeol really did remember how he likes to drink his coffee. It warms him from the inside. “I’m happy to see you.”

Chanyeol’s face lights up, and Minseok feels himself blush. He didn’t think he would feel like this again, especially not with the person in front of him. He didn’t know he would still have the capacity to feel this  _ light,  _ he didn’t know that Chanyeol would still be able to make him feel like he’s glowing from the inside. 

He likes the feeling. 

“I have a bit of a break right now before I have to go shoot again, do you want to go sit somewhere more quiet?” Minseok asks him, and Chanyeol nods enthusiastically. They stand there awkwardly for a bit, before Minseok gathers his courage and offers Chanyeol his free hand.

Chanyeol’s eyes go very round, and Minseok feels his whole face turn red, but when Chanyeol takes his hand, his chest is soothed, though his heart races. 

They end up sitting outside on the small balcony, and it’s a lot colder than Minseok had anticipated, the chill almost instantly crawling under the layers of clothes he has on. Before he can even shiver, though, Chanyeol is shucking off his coat, and placing it over his shoulders. 

“No, you don’t have to,” Minseok tried to shake him off, but Chanyeol persists, fixing it so his arms are mostly covered. 

“You get cold easily,” Chanyeol says simply, smiling at him, and Minseok feels so  _ young,  _ really like the way he had when things between them were new. He supposes, it actually  _ is  _ new again, between them, and he feels himself warm up, with the coat, with every sip he takes from the coffee, with Chanyeol’s kindness and easy, respectful affection. 

“You’ve been working hard,” Chanyeol tells him, and he brushes his knuckles gently against the high point of Minseok’s cheek, and Minseok holds in his shiver.

“It’s the daily grind,” Minseok says, shrugging a little, because even though it’s hard, it’s the life he’d chosen, and while he’s not without complaints, he’d still choose it, over and over again. “You’ve been working hard, too.”

“All for you,” Chanyeol says, and really. How he does it so easily, how he just so  _ simply  _ and honestly tells him how he feels, Minseok envies him. Wants to do the same, if just for him. Chanyeol looks at him, and Minseok watches as his skin flushes, and he’s saying, “About, about the last time we saw each other. I’m sorry, I know I made it awkward.”

Minseok shakes his head, because he can at least admit to himself that he doesn’t want Chanyeol to apologize for something that made him happy. Kissing him again, feeling  _ everything  _ like he had used to; Minseok didn’t know he had missed it so much until he had done it again. “Don’t say sorry. You didn’t make it awkward, and I asked for it, didn’t I?”

“Still,” Chanyeol says, shifting a little and looking down at the ground shyly. “We feel weird again.”

Minseok swallows, and Chanyeol looks so nervous and really,  _ really,  _ it’s not Chanyeol’s fault. It’s because Minseok can’t  _ get a grip  _ on himself, what he feels, and isn’t as open as he is. It’s  _ not his fault.  _

“Just, just because I told you I still love you, it doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate it, or it has to come to anything,” Chanyeol says, barely taking a breath between phrases, and Minseok tries to stop his rambling.

“Chanyeol,” he says, but he goes barreling on.

“It’s, I know we’re complicated, and I am more than happy just the way we are now,” he says, “Being friends is so much more than I deserve, and-”

“Chanyeol,” Minseok says firmly, reaching out to take Chanyeol’s wrist in his hand. Chanyeol stops, looks at him with nervous eyes, and Minseok swallows his fear, or as much of it as he can. 

He doesn’t know if this is the right thing, if he’s just going to make things even more complicated than it needs to be, but. He needs to come clean, tell him what had happened. Be a little more open than he really is.

“I have to tell you something,” Minseok says, breathing slowly. “It’s. I feel a little guilty about it.”

Chanyeol looks at him with wide eyes, looking nervous, but he nods, and encourages him, “Okay. You can tell me anything, Minseok. I’ll listen.”

Minseok breathes deeply, deeper still, and trembles a little, enough to make him hold on to the cup with both of his hands, and he starts carefully, “Do you know Sehun?”

Chanyeol nods, “One of your dancers, right? He’s been nice to me.”

Oh, hell. “I, well. He and I, after what happened the other night. We slept together,” Minseok says, fire in his throat. 

Chanyeol stares at him, and Minseok watches as his face falls. “Oh. Um, I see. So, you - well, that’s okay. Whatever your choice is, it’s okay. I told you already that I’d be okay with whatever you give me.”

“No, wait,” Minseok says, realizing he’s said too little and needs to explain more, but that’s the exact moment when Junmyeon peeks his head out the door, saying, “Minseok? They need you on set.”

“I, okay,” he says, glancing back at Chanyeol urgently, “just, I need a few minutes-”

“No, come on, they need you,” Chanyeol says, and he’s smiling at him, so so  _ kindly  _ but Minseok can see how his eyes have dimmed slightly, even as he guides Minseok with a palm on his back, walking them both back inside. 

And Minseok feels  _ extra stupid,  _ berating himself for not choosing his words more carefully, for not speaking faster and not being persistent enough, and  _ shit,  _ he’s an idiot. 

He’s only barely able to focus, pulling on everything he has to listen to the director as they set the scene for him and Baekhyun. He’s almost not listening, but he manages to take in the instructions given to them, and. Minseok feels like everything seems to be  _ against  _ him, today.

Though Baekhyun had just woken up from a thirty minute nap, the most sleep he’d probably had in the last thirty hours, he’s beaming, bounce in his step as they’re led to their positions into the vampire-woods set-up, the stylists and other staff come down upon them to fix their hair and makeup.

Minseok swallows the lump in his throat, and looks up before the cameras begin to roll, seeing Chanyeol hanging off in the back, standing next to Junmyeon and observing the scene. 

“Don’t be too pleased, Baek,” Minseok says, and Baekhyun just grins even wider.

“Please, when else am I going to get to  _ almost  _ kiss you?” Baekhyun says, and Minseok wants to pinch him.

The cameras start rolling, and Minseok can just  _ feel  _ the way Chanyeol’s eyes go owlishly large as Minseok leans in, brushing Baekhyun’s hair back as he leans in, just shy of his lips. 

And they do it again, six more times, captured from different angles. Minseok feels like he’s about to lose his mind, half an hour later. 

“This is  _ really  _ un-straight,” Baekhyun says, smiling too widely, looking too smug as they walk off the set. “The company‘s going to have  _ so many _ questions.”

“We get them all their money anyway,” Minseok says, giving up, knowing he’s the one who’s going to have to answer those questions because of his position, and  _ really,  _ the company should have done a double check anyway if ever they don’t want this kind of material. Baekhyun just cackles before he bounces off to get some breakfast, and Minseok pours, sighing as he resigns himself to it all. 

Fuck it. There’s nothing wrong with having a boy as a romantic interest in a music video, even if it’s just for a second, and even if it’s  _ Baekhyun,  _ who will never stop milking it. 

“That was, um. You did well,” he turns to see Chanyeol coming up to him, face pink and looking at a loss of what to say and how to react to everything. 

“Thanks,” Minseok says, and the awkwardness is almost crushing. He thinks of what he can say to fix this, trying not to think of words he’ll trip over, just wanting Chanyeol to understand. “About a while ago, I wasn’t able to explain.”

“You don’t need to explain, Min,” Chanyeol tries to shake him off, make things easy when it’s making things more complicated. “It’s your life and I shouldn’t interfere.”

“No, hold on,” Minseok says, stopping him. “I  _ do  _ need to explain, because-”

Just then, Chanyeol’s eyes go wide as he looks beyond him, and Minseok blinks, confused, because Chanyeol is suddenly very still. 

“What is it?” Minseok says, about to look behind himself, but Chanyeol is turning him physically, forcing him not to look. “What - Chanyeol, what are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” he tries, but Minseok sighs, and manages to twist himself slightly to see what’s going on. 

And what’s going on is Sehun, in his costume for the dance sequence they’ll be filming in a bit, with his arms around Junmyeon’s shoulders, their mouths connected in a fiery-looking kiss, probably so melting they don’t even notice the other staff running around them. 

Minseok pauses, and while it’s strange for him to see their manager this way, it’s mostly  _ relief  _ and joy he feels. A  _ ‘finally’  _ that doesn’t stop ringing in his head, after years of sleeping with Sehun to distract themselves from what it is they really wanted. 

Sehun has always known it would be Junmyeon. 

Up until maybe just a few days ago, Minseok didn’t have a face to put to the dream, but then, Chanyeol came again into his life, just as honest, just as pure, even more wonderful and gentle than he had been almost a decade ago. 

And then, Minseok startles, realizing that maybe,  _ maybe,  _ there’d always been a face in the dream. Maybe he was just scared of identifying it. 

“I’m sorry, Min,” Chanyeol says quietly, sadly, as they both take in the scene. 

Minseok looks back at him, asks, “About what?”

Chanyeol blinks at him, confused, before he replies, “About. About Sehun and. Your manager. They shouldn’t do that, since you and Sehun are-“

“Sehun and I aren’t anything,” Minseok says before Chanyeol can say anything more and attach more meaning than there really is. Chanyeol blinks at him, lips pouting a little, and Minseok breathes through the next words, “Sehun and I, we’re great friends, and. Yes, over the years, we’ve formed an arrangement, but. I meant it when I said I hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone since you.”

It’s almost instant, the way Chanyeol goes red. His ears go first, and the rest of his body follows, as he listens to what Minseok is telling him. 

“Sehun and I were never serious,” he continues, “It was fun, and truthfully, convenient for both of us, but I’ve always known that it was Junmyeon he was after. And he’s made it clear from the beginning too.”

“And. You’re cool with that?” Chanyeol asks him. His face is endearingly pink with hope, though he’s trying to be subtle about it. 

“You didn’t let me finish, awhile ago,” Minseok says with a little chuckle. “I don’t have an excuse for it, but I just need to tell you what happened was that after we kissed, I was so out of my depth and I didn’t know what to do. I went to Sehun because, well. That’s what I’d always done, and we realized that it was the right time to stop. He’s doing what he’s always wanted to do, and I’m happy for him.”

Chanyeol blinks, and his fingers fiddle beneath the long cuffs of his jacket. “So…”

“So, the truth is that I slept with him and did this for so many years because I was lonely,” he says. His chest feels like it’s ballooning, stretching past the point that his body can handle it.

“And now?” Chanyeol asks, his whole face bright and nervous.

Minseok gives him a small smile, “Now I don’t need to, because you’re in my life again.”

Chanyeol squeaks, and Minseok laughs, endeared. He reaches down to take Chanyeol’s hand in his, and it’s like he’s blanketed in something warm, something he hadn’t felt for too long. 

It’s scary, but. He’s missed it.

.

It’s a little limbo they’re in, but it’s not bad. Dating, dinners out, but still working to really be  _ together,  _ and they’re both trying to be patient with each other. 

Chanyeol kisses him more, and Minseok asks for more kisses, and with each one, Minseok feels like he’s settling more and more into the feeling, the feeling of being able to  _ have,  _ being chosen, giving himself the small world they’re making for themselves to ease his shoulders, ease his mind and. Just be himself, just let himself take a little, and Chanyeol gives him affection in spades, his hands always so gentle and his lips silky, and his smiles always so brilliantly shining. 

Jongdae and Baekhyun notice, because  _ how  _ could they not, and Minseok fully expects to be teased whenever he gets back late, lighter on his feet and cheeks rosy, and more often than not, his lips swollen slightly. But, while they do rib and smirk at him, it’s more of this comforting support they give him; an honest, genuine joy for him, that he’s not as lonely as he used to be, and, in Jongdae’s words,  _ “You’re opening up more, hyung. It’s beautiful to see.” _

And Minseok did feel like he was in something beautiful. Fledgling, a little vulnerable, but really wonderful. 

But.

They have less time together as the three of them get busier in the weeks leading up to the comeback, filming interviews and variety show appearances and scheduling radio show stints and even planning an arcade game special for their YouTube channel, all between rehearsing day in and day out, outfit fittings for their music show appearances, and it’s busier than Minseok had anticipated.

Minseok is forced to postpone dates, regret and apology filling him up whenever he has to call Chanyeol to tell him he can’t make it, which is almost every night. And, he can’t help it, but a dread fills his chest, more and more, with each call he has to make. 

“What’s wrong?” Jongdae eventually notices him sitting off to the side during their break from filming. Shooting is running late, and they’re hours into it, and it feels like they’re filing for two episodes. 

Minseok isn’t going to make it again. And, he knows he’s been happier, he knows that they’re a little more prepared this time, knowing the schedule and trying to be more understanding of each other, but. 

Minseok is scared.

“I need to call him, tell him I can’t make it,” he answers, but. He can’t bring himself to pick up his phone. 

“Are you okay?” Jongdae asks him, sitting next to him and holding his hand. Minseok didn’t even notice how cold he was until Jongdae’s warm palm closed over his. “I’m sure it will be okay if you tell him.”

Minseok looks at him, and. He doesn’t know if he’s overreacting, if he’s feeling his guilt and apprehension too much, or if it’s something else altogether. “It’s new, you know.”

Jongdae nods, and he doesn’t falter. “I know, hyung.”

“It feels new, but at the same time, it’s. I don’t know,” Minseok says, breathing deeply. “Everything that was wonderful about us is there, and it’s been the happiest I’ve been in a long time, but. There are, I don’t know if I can call it an issue between us, but you know the reason why we broke up before. The busier I get, the more I feel like the same thing is going to happen again.”

“Hyung. You shouldn’t stress about things that you haven’t confirmed to be problems,” Jongdae tells him patiently, and he’s right, but the apprehension still gnaws at Minseok’s insides. “I’m sure he’d understand.”

Minseok knows Jongdae has a point, and that he shouldn’t think this way, so early on, but. The worry sets in his chest, and he says, “I just don’t know if. If he’s prepared to be with me, in this way,” Minseok says. “It’s just, he’s only known me as his childhood sweetheart. Being with me as an idol, it’s going to be so different, and with the way we fell apart when I hadn’t even debuted yet, I just. It’s scary.”

Jongdae sits with him quietly, and Minseok tightens his grip on his hand. Things are so unsure, and while he’s secure in what he feels for Chanyeol, and what Chanyeol feels for him, it’s just that things feel so much more precarious, this time around. 

“You should talk to him, before anything else, hyung,” Jongdae tells him. 

“I know I should.” Minseok swallows. “I’m just afraid he’s not prepared for the secrecy and not seeing each other like we did before.”

Jongdae sighs patiently, and leans in to pat the back of Minseok’s head, “Hyung, your fears are valid. But, you know, you can’t speak for him when you’re not giving him a chance to speak for himself. Listen to him first before you bottle everything up again.”

The words are heavy and truthful, and Minseok takes them to heart. 

.

They’re in the dressing room preparing for the comeback showcase, about twenty minutes away from going onstage, and Minseok is having sequins glued onto his cheeks as Junmyeon and Baekhyun refresh the charts and trends. The music video had dropped a little more than an hour ago, and last time they’d checked, it had over a million views already. Junmyeon tells them they’re number one on iTunes in 32 countries so far, and their physical sales are tremendous; they’d sold more than the last comeback’s first week total on  _ the first day.  _ Junmyeon says they’re right on their way to sell a million copies if it keeps going this way.

Minseok is trying not to get overwhelmed, trying to get ready for work, but. Everything is so  _ different,  _ it just seems like the level is so much higher, and the reviews have been some of the best of their career. He can barely hold himself together, struggling to keep calm.

He truthfully had done his best to avoid giving any pressure to the others, and to himself, because for a career as long as theirs, as fickle and unsure as entertainment and music, staying consistent, staying successful was never sure. Even as much as he trusted their fans, in the end, it comes down to if people like what they’re doing. 

He had done his best so that they wouldn’t feel the need to outdo themselves, and just deliver the best they can. But the pressure had been  _ so real,  _ with everything happening now, to work harder, to give more than his usual best. 

_ “All-kill!”  _ Baekhyun is suddenly yelling right into his ear, shaking him voraciously, and Minseok trembles, can’t even be mad when the gems fly off his face. Jongdae is jumping off of his own seat, shouting as the two of them gather around Minseok and hug him tightly, screaming.

“Fuck,” Minseok says, his voice shaking. “We did it, we did it-”

_ “Hyung,”  _ they say, holding him tighter, pride and emotion deep in their chests.

They’ve had so much success as a group, and really, they could not ask for more. Grand awards, close to a hundred music broadcast wins, but. It’s been a long time since they’ve had an all-kill, this many sales in one day, a reception as warm as this.

Minseok had been alright with growing past their prime, of course. Slowing down would be inevitable, especially with seven years under their belt. He had known they had reached their peak, years ago.

But. To think they would reach these kinds of heights again. He’s floating. 

And it’s not lost on him that Chanyeol had been the one to give them this song. He helped them reach this new high.

Chanyeol was making music that touched, and Minseok feels the pride balloon in his chest, overcoming everything else he’d been feeling the last few days. All the apprehension and nervousness, from guiding the group, from his responsibilities, from the doubt he’d planted in his own head. Right now, it’s swamped by the sheer  _ gratitude  _ and the deepest affection, making him want to up and go see him.

He doesn’t need to, because the door to the room is opening, and Yixing comes in, and behind him, Chanyeol, with a great bouquet of flowers, a gorgeous mound of Minseok’s favorite primroses, looking like everything beautiful in his life. Minseok gets up, Baekhyun and Jongdae releasing him easily as he goes over to him, and Chanyeol catches him readily, kissing him and not even minding the pink lip gloss that’s smeared all over his lips. 

“Thank you,” Minseok murmurs, hiding his face in his neck and suddenly feeling very shy about his impulsive outburst of emotion. There’s no one in the room that’s not trusted, but it’s still embarrassing when he’s not one to show much emotion in the first place. 

“It was all you, Minnie,” Chanyeol hums, embracing him tightly, proudly. “You worked really hard. It was all worth it. All your sacrifices, all the time it took.”

Minseok can’t say anything, even though he wants to express it all. His pride for him, his gratitude, just so many things that it overwhelms him to the point he can’t even think of the words to begin. 

It goes on this way as they begin the album showcase, opening with ‘The One,’ the waves of coral pink of their fans’ lightsticks lighting up the small arena, and it feels so much  _ more _ than it usually does. He runs on a high that doesn’t diminish through their first live performance of ‘Hey Mama,’ through the different corners they’ve prepared, and up until they finish with ‘Cherish.’ He’s not quite as hyper as the other two, but still somehow with a brighter bounce that’s not quite associated with him usually. It’s enough that their MC notices and mentions it once in a while, saying  _ “Xiumin’s tension is very good today.” _

“I’m just very thankful for our Rosettes, and for our producers, choreographers, dancers, and staff,” he says, smiling widely and thankfully to a wave of cheering. He’s truly grateful for them all, but he admits to himself, easily, that there is one person who comes to mind first, someone he had made a promise with, many years ago; that they would make music together, that somehow, they would find themselves  _ here.  _

The circumstances had been difficult, and Minseok didn’t know if he could even trust him with the group. If he could really listen to him and sing as Chanyeol sat on the other side of the glass, but he did, and the music had become some of their best. 

It’s the small miracle Minseok did not even know they needed, but he cannot simply equate his relief into words. 

When he gets backstage, Chanyeol is there, really just so  _ beautiful,  _ and Minseok is immediately pulled into him, just disbelieving that this is happening to them. That he gets to have Chanyeol in his life, that he gets to sing a song he had proudly made for their group. 

That Chanyeol can still look at him this way, after all this time. 

“Look away,” he order to the others, knowing that they won’t and not caring anyway before he pulls down Chanyeol’s face to his, kissing him, getting his sweat and makeup all over him, but Chanyeol doesn’t seem to mind, pulling him in closer until his arms are fully around Minseok’s back, until they seem to forget that there’s anyone else there.

He feels warm all over, lit up from the inside, and Chanyeol tends to the flame, tilting his head up more to kiss him deeper, longer, and Minseok finds himself sinking deeper, deeper still.

Minseok knows that it’s maybe the after-show adrenaline surging through his veins, the high of doing a show so well and having the reception they’re receiving with the album, but he murmurs against Chanyeol’s ear, “Follow me to the bathroom.”

He can’t see the look on his face, but with the way Chanyeol stills, then almost immediately reels him in for another shirt, hard kiss, he’s very much looking forward to it. 

Of course, no matter how subtle Minseok tries to be, Baekhyun and Jongdae aren’t fooled, smirking smugly and raising their eyebrows at him as he pulls away from Chanyeol, saying he needs to use the restroom. Neither are Yixing and Junmyeon, but they at least let him save some face by just giving him a small nod each. 

It barely takes Chanyeol a few minutes to follow him there, and as soon as he locks the door behind him clumsily, they’re pulled to each other instantly, Minseok pulling him down and kissing him heatedly. 

Chanyeol parts his lips for Minseok’s tongue, his arms going around Minseok to pull him in, and it’s not like Minseok  _ didn’t  _ notice how much bigger Chanyeol is now, but. To have his arms, thick and strong, embracing him so tightly, and his chest, broad and sturdy against his, is something of a revelation. 

Minseok didn’t know he would  _ love  _ being cradled this way, but. He curls in closer, getting his own arms over Chanyeol’s shoulders as his mouth is licked into, and lets himself be reeled in even closer. 

Chanyeol moves his mouth down, smearing his wet lips on Minseok’s jaw, his neck, and the bit of cleavage that Minseok’s silk shirt did not cover. Minseok sighs, feeling himself erupt in goosebumps as Chanyeol’s gentle lips skim over his skin, going up on his toes to better reach Chanyeol’s neck to leave many open-mouthed kisses there as well.

“Hmm, Minnie,” Chanyeol moans against the hinge of his jaw, just beneath his ear, and Minseok  _ shivers,  _ moaning at his low, deep tone, and he feels his chest race, his belly arm dangerously. 

“Oh -  _ baby,”  _ Minseok is sighing as Chanyeol reaches down, moving his hands to his ass, his big hands slipping into his back pockets, and  _ squeezing.  _

Chanyeol moans again, a little louder, and kisses him harder, nipping at his bottom lip, and Minseok doesn’t usually tremble from just being kissed and touched over clothing, but Chanyeol just  _ knows  _ his body well, how to make him weak, even after these many years later.

It’s been a long time since he had called someone ‘baby.’ The last one had been Chanyeol, and it slips out of his mouth again, so seamlessly, as Chanyeol pulls him in, their fronts pressed up together, and he  _ feels  _ Chanyeol against him. They grind together once, and they moan together, trying poorly to share the noise between their lips as they push against each other, their lengths hardening in the confines of their pants. 

“Oh,  _ fuck,”  _ Chanyeol murmurs, shutting his eyes as he thrusts forward against Minseok’s crotch, and they both feel it, the way their pants are getting too tight and their cocks are pressing against each other. 

Minseok’s whole body is hot, and he breathes hard as he reaches down, unzipping his pants and reaching in to pull out his cock, more than halfway to full hardness, and he hears the way Chanyeol whimpers as he looks down, watching the way Minseok squeezes, fisting his length to full hardness.

“Oh,” Chanyeol whispers, “I’ve missed you.”

Minseok can’t help his laugh, touching Chanyeol’s chin gently so their eyes meet. “Yeollie, bobo.”

Chanyeol grins, and swoops down immediately, pressing his lips against Minseok’s wetly. Minseok hums, their tongues sliding together as he reaches down and carefully touches the front of Chanyeol’s pants.

Chanyeol whimpers against his mouth, shivering, and before Minseok can even ask him, Chanyeolis is reaching down himself, unzipping and taking his cock out, and Minseok stills, staring at it.

And, really. He’d missed it too.

“Oh, baby,” Minseok mutters, bringing his hand over, thumbing over the head of his cock, already leaking and fully hard, and Chanyeol groans, thrusting forward into the air as Minseok lightly strokes, teases with his fingers. “You’re so pretty.”

“You’re prettier, Minnie,” Chanyeol says, though his voice is tense, trying not to get overwhelmed so quickly. But Minseok understands,  _ truly;  _ while he has been in no way celibate in the time they had been apart, and while Sehun had been a  _ fantastic  _ and generous partner in bed, even just  _ this,  _ simply touching each other in the small space, most of their clothes still on and kissing each other heatedly, is flooding Minseok with warmth, his chest almost excruciatingly tight wtih sensation and emotion, his breath running short and his head clouding quickly. 

Chanyeol knows him well, just how to hold him, how to reach down and tease Minseok’s length as well, how to kiss him just as he likes: a little rough, licking across his lips and teeth and sucking his lips into his mouth, but still gentle, soothe every bite with a softer kiss, moving his mouth languidly, like silk, everywhere. 

And he knows just when to bring his palm up, licking his skin, getting it slick to reach down, and taking both their cocks in his large hand, bringing them together. When their lengths rub together, the slide a little tacky, mostly dry, but still  _ so good,  _ Minseok’s knees almost buckle from how overcome he is.

Chanyeol is  _ hot,  _ so thick and big and the veins prominent, and sliding against Minseok’s cock, the sensation like nothing else, like it’s the first time all over again. And Minseok pushes closer, unable to hold himself back from seeking pleasure, wanting,  _ wanting  _ him so much. 

Chanyeol thrusts against him as well, blessedly desperate as well, his whines almost too loud in the room and echoing against the tiles, and they fuck against each other, pushing their hips as Chanyeol does his best to stroke them together and pull them off.

It doesn’t matter that it’s a little clumsy, that the slide isn’t slick enough, that there are too many layers between them, because  _ nothing  _ feels like this. Nothing and no one feels like Chanyeol does, with Minseok, like he’s adding a little more wood to the fire with each touch. Not enough to engulf them in flames, but certainly enough to let the glow spread to his whole body, keep him warm, bright. 

Chanyeol comes first, suddenly, unexpectedly, gasping as Minseok drives his hips against him and spilling white over their cocks and his hand.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol murmurs, sounding fucked out, lit up. His eyes are bright and dazed altogether, and he’s  _ beautiful,  _ and Minseok could eat him up. 

Minseok doesn’t expect the growl that crawls its way out of his throat, but he does it again, reaching back to grab Chanyeol’s ass and pull him towards him, their hips slamming together and their cocks pushing against the other, lighting him up. He does it again, and again, and again, harder and rougher each time, and Chanyeol trembles, moaning and forgetting his volume as he melts into the touch. He’s still hard, his come lubricating the slide a little bit, and he’s wonderfully sensitive, moaning and whining as they fuck, moving between pushing against his hips and shivering in oversensitivity, but as soon as Minseok says, “Baby, kiss me,” he’s leaning down again, using his clean hand to cup Minseok’s face to kiss him deeper, and longer. 

Then, Chanyeol is saying against his lips, “Come on, Minnie. Come,” just as he takes Minseok’s cock and begins to stroke, squeezing with every stroke, thumbing against the slit, and Minseok can’t. He bites back his moan, or at least most of it, some whines still coming out of his mouth as the heat in his belly snaps, streaks of come shooting out of the tip and over Chanyeol’s fingers. 

Minseok feels like he’s floating, coming down and breathing hard as he pulls himself together, and Chanyeol pulls him close, holding him as he does. 

It takes a minute, but as Minseok looks up from where he’s been resting his head against Chanyeol’s chest, he’s already looking down, his whole face  _ happy,  _ a little bit like he’s glowing. 

Really, wonderfully beautiful. 

Minseok surges up to kiss him, clutching his shoulders and not wanting to separate. He doesn’t say anything, but Chanyeol understands, kisses him back, the message shared between their lips. 

.

The first week of promotions is always a bit of a whirlwind, and this time around, it feels even busier. As much as he tries to keep his head above, to call Chanyeol and contact him whenever he has the time, to tell him ahead if he can’t make it to dinner of if he’ll have to leave after a few hours after getting to his place to get to an early taping, the clawing feeling of insecurity and self-doubt and worry settles into Minseok’s chest, making him think too much, making him work harder to distract himself. 

While things between them have been going really wonderfully, Minseok can’t quite let his guard down. For the few hours they meet every few days, it’s like that moment in the car when they were teenagers again, taking each other in and finding each other in each song, smiling and laughing and feeling warm. The feeling lingers, but with the restraints and requirements of the job, it doesn’t always stay for long, and it doesn’t take much time at all before someone notices. 

They all notice, really. 

“You’re worrying me,” Junmyeon says once they make it backstage after filming their first stage for Inkigayo. He says it low enough that Baekhyun, Jongdae, and the other staff don’t hear it, but it’s all over his face. 

Minseok swallows, moves to change into their outfits for the next performance, keeping face as he always does. “I’m fine.”

Junmyeon sighs, but he lets up, nodding as Minseok is swept away for hair and makeup, and Minseok doesn’t know if he’s relieved that Junmyeon didn’t push for more, or if he feels a little empty, knowing he’s going to have to deal with this on his own again. 

But he works, works hard as he always does, because he knows everyone looks to him, and he doesn’t want to let anyone down, especially for something as small as his worries. 

The first week ends well. Their appearance on ‘Knowing Brothers’ is well-received, mostly in part to the chaos of Baekhyun’s question portion, they film for a few more game videos for some of the networks’ YouTube channels, Jongdae’s appearance on ‘The Return of Superman’ is the highest-rated segment of the whole episode, he’d dominated their appearance on ‘Amazing Saturday’ with his unrivaled knowledge on TVXQ, and they do a  _ lot  _ of radio.

By the end of the week, they’ve had consistent streams, never dipping below the top 3, and always ending the day on top. They had reached 14 million views on their music video by the first 24 hours, and by the week’s end, they were close to 50 million. They’d reached the top of iTunes in 73 countries, and they’d sold 780,000 copies so far. It had been a great,  _ great  _ week, but.

Minseok is exhausted, stretched thin, and the emotional burden and teetering between excited and happy and just endless questioning of self worth and security and  _ being enough  _ and being hard on himself is beginning to wear him down, more than he’d ever really want to admit. He’s endlessly thankful that Jongdae’s and Baekhyun’s energies temper his well, and influence him to be a little more lively. They seem to be a little noisier than usual, a little more rowdy while they’re filming shows and performing, but Minseok knows it’s because they’d noticed that he’s had a lot on his mind, and they’re letting him breathe by drawing the attention to themselves instead, letting him draw a bit from their energies. They don’t say anything of it, knowing he needs a little more time by just the look on his face, and for it, Minseok is endlessly grateful.

And then, they’re on their second week of promotions, back to the music shows, and Minseok is getting a hilariously short amount of sleep, but does his best to keep his energy up for everyone. 

They're backstage at Music Bank getting ready for their stage when they’re told they’re nominated for first place that week. It’s exciting, as it always is despite the many years they’ve been doing this, and it also adds a lot of pressure on his shoulders. 

It’s not that they’re expecting anything, and it’s not like they’re not popular enough to win. But, it comes with a group of their age and seniority: it would never be like the time of ‘Ka-CHING!’ and the time of their sixteen wins, and that was more than alright. 

But all the same, it’s a new era, a really  _ exciting  _ era, and the three of them know it feels different. It would be a really lovely way of solidifying the fact that they’ve worked hard to reach this point, and reaping the fruits of their sacrifices. 

Minseok stands from the chair once the makeup artist tells him he’s good to go, sighing quietly to himself as he goes to get dressed. He hadn’t seen Chanyeol in two days, and the last time they’d seen each other, had been a harried late, late dinner outside of a convenience store near the dorm, barely an hour together before Chanyeol dropped Minseok off to his place with a small sad smile, but the warmest, most tender hug. They couldn’t risk even a kiss, and while Chanyeol had understood, Minseok had still caught the sadness on his face, showing his disappointment as Minseok had to shake his head after he’d asked. 

It bothers him, and truthfully, it bothers Minseok too. The job as it is is difficult to deal with in terms of any relationships he can have, so much secrecy and too much potential for backlash, but Minseok is finding it more difficult to swallow the fact that he can never be with Chanyeol openly, because. 

Because he knows they’d never be accepted, as they’re both men. 

He knows it had come with the job, he knows that it would be difficult from the beginning. Somehow, he’d always been prepared to hide most of his true self.

But he knows Chanyeol isn’t. 

His head is so full, and he’s so wrapped up in his worries that he lets his guard down, and when the wardrobe door suddenly opens and a loud  _ “Ahaaa!”  _ is yelled from within it, he yelps and jumps back, almost falling to the floor if not for Jongdae catching him from behind.

“Oh - oh  _ god,  _ Minnie, I’m sorry,” Chanyeol’s big head is emerging from behind the door, his eyes wide with worry and his ears flapped out beneath his cap, and he awkwardly maneuvers his way out of the tiny closet space, his limbs too gangly and long for it to be anything remotely graceful. He goes over to Minseok immediately, touching his face gently and to see how he is. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you  _ that  _ much, I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay,” Minseok tells him, because despite the unworldly intense pounding of his heart, he’s so  _ happy  _ Chanyeol is here, his whole body feeling almost euphoric as he takes him in, handsome and warm and so tall and  _ here.  _ If there wasn’t the constant risk of someone from the show’s staff coming in to call them to stage, he would ask for all the kisses Chanyeol would give him. For now, he pulls him into a hug, tucking his face into his neck and hoping his makeup doesn’t smear off onto Chanyeol’s sweater. “Hi, baby.”

“Hi, Minnie,” Chanyeol greets him in turn, hugging him in turn, encasing him in his arms, and it’s an instant comfort Minseok can’t get anywhere else. If just for now, his head is clear, his chest tight in the best way, warm and pleasant. “Surprise.”

Minseok hums, quietly, pleased, pulling away, and it’s then that he notices the bouquet in Chanyeol’s hand of white flowers, the petals rounded but slightly pointed at the ends, and within the pristine white was a burst of yellow, almost like a flower within a flower.

“That for us?” Minseok asks him, and Chanyeol blinks, and he blushes.

“It’s, it’s for you,” Chanyeol says, and he goes even pinker when he goes on, “I’m sorry, I didn’t bring any more, I should have-”

“It’s okay,” Jongdae pats the back of his head as he passes by them to change. “You honor both of us by honoring Minseokkie-”

“Aww. I want flowers, though,” Baekhyun says, but Jongdae, lovingly, squeezes the back of his neck, making Baekhyun whine as he leads him, and really all of their staff, out to get a quick snack from the cafeteria, and leaving them both to have a moment to themselves.

Chanyeol is still blushing, but he clears his throat to get the tenseness out of his voice, saying, “I just thought, you know. I could come for support. Not that you need it, but, I was, I was thinking, and, oh gosh-”

He goes a deep red again, and Minseok is impossibly endeared, and before he can talk himself out of it, leans up to press his lips against Chanyeol’s cheek. When Chanyeol stares at him as he pulls back, shocked, Minseok finds that he’s the one blushing now. 

Before he can be teased, Minseok turns his attention to the flowers, saying in a voice that is uncharacteristically shy, “Is that, um, are those dandelions?”

Chanyeol blinks again, confused, before looking down at the flowers, and he answers, “Um, they’re called narcissus? Narcissi? I don't know the plural, but I heard on the way from Junmyeon that you were nominated today, and I wanted to get you something. The florist lady said that these were lucky flowers, so. I wanted to surprise you, I hope you like them. Oh, but I hope you win more, that is, um.”

He’s floundering over his words, and he’s too charming without even meaning to be. Minseok smiles, squeezes him tighter, leaving another small kiss on his chin. “Thank you, Yeollie. That’s remarkably sweet of you. We should have gotten flowers for you too, you made this song-”

Chanyeol shakes his head, saying as he smiles shyly, “No, no. It’s okay. The song only got as far as it did because you worked so hard.”

Minseok has been so overwhelmed, lately, to the point that the only way he can cope is by keeping his head empty, but now, it’s overwhelming in a way that he’d only ever felt with Chanyeol, when they were younger and ready to take on the world together, just something so  _ limitless  _ and wonderful that he cannot contain it by himself. He meets Chanyeol’s gaze, and it’s apparent that he understands; it was never something that only one of them could do, but something that was always going to be shared between them, something only they could understand and treasure. 

He gives in, leaning up to kiss him, but suddenly, there’s a knock on the door.

Minseok springs apart from Chanyeol, who blinks and goes red in the face from almost being caught, and maybe even a little sad that he couldn’t get the kiss. 

The door opens, and Junmyeon is there, Jongdae and Baekhyun behind him, stuffing their faces with sandwiches from the cafeteria, everyone looking apologetic, knowing they’d cut in on their already brief time together. “Sorry, Minseok, but it’s almost CBX’s turn, they need the three of you onstage in less than ten minutes.”

“Right, you need to get ready,” Chanyeol says, still blushed up like a rose, and he makes to leave the room, “I’ve distracted you long enough, I’ll leave you to it.”

“You’ll watch us, right?” Minseok asks him, and Chanyeol’s gaze turns bright, tender.

“Of course,” he says. His smile gets even wider, “And I’ll be here when they announce your first win.”

“We probably won’t win,” Minseok tells him, even as the other two are saying,  _ “Ayy, don’t be like that, hyung.” _

But. Miraculously, almost unbelievably, with a score of over 12,000 points, they  _ win. _

Minseok is partially frozen as he takes the trophy and flowers from the MCs, and. It’s been  _ years,  _ since they’d won with a score that high, and the culmination of not having been able to make music for over a year, of feeling so much apprehension and worry over this release, of being reunited and allowing himself to let Chanyeol in again, it’s like his chest is about to explode. 

He passes the microphone on to Jongdae, who understands instantly, and begins their thank you’s to the company and their staff, mostly Junmyeon. He feels Baekhyun come up next to him, his arm coming around to squeeze around Minseok’s hip in encouragement, support, and when he’s leaning his head on Minseok’s shoulder, Minseok rests his head on top of his, closing his eyes and letting the confetti fall about them. 

He’s last to say something, and he says simply, “We thank you parents. We thank our wonderful Rosettes, who work harder than we do to give us these awards,” he says, blowing a kiss to the orange-coral lightsticks that wave and cry in the crowd, and truly. He thinks they must feel, must have seen how burdened he had been, and in his place, they cry in relief for him. They are the most wonderful, and he hopes he can pay them all back in effort, one day. 

He calms his heart, says in as stable a voice he can muster, “We thank our producers, Lay Zhang, LOEY, thank you for giving us a new sound and a new beginning. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.”

He breathes, and the cheers come in waves, growing louder and louder, until it engulfs them.

.

He has another full day, tomorrow.

He doesn’t give a shit, and bargains with Junmyeon heavily, until Junmyeon eventually relents to let him go home with Chanyeol for the night, not without many warnings to not get caught and to be back at the dorms before seven in the morning. 

He and Chanyeol wince together, knowing it means they’ll likely not get much, if at all any, sleep.

“You know the drill,” Junmyeon says, eyes serious. “If you need me to pick you up, call me.”

“I can bring him home,” Chanyeol says, and he’s fully red, embarrassed, but he gets even redder when Junmyeon speaks again.

“And. Use protection,” he adds in a murmur, and Minseok feels like he’s been set on fire.

“I’m older than you, Junmyeon, please,” Minseok says, hiding how flustered he really feels with a frown. “This is embarrassing, you don’t need to tell me. And who says we’re even going to be doing anything like that?”

“Are you sure about that?” Sehun slinks himself around Junmyeon then, still in his stage outfit and cocking an eyebrow at them. 

“Go away, Hunnie,” Minseok says, pushing at Chanyeol’s back and getting him to move, “Bye now, we’re leaving-”

“Don’t get dicked down too hard, you have two stages tomorrow,” Sehun says, and Minseok feels his face just flame up, and he can’t even dare to look at Chanyeol, hearing him choke on a breath and coughing. 

But, even with all of that, when they get through Chanyeol’s door some thirty minutes later, they’re on each other immediately. 

“Baby, bo-”

Before Minseok can even finish, Chanyeol slams the door behind them and pulls Minseok in, pressing his mouth against his, kissing him deeply. Minseok moans against his mouth, and Chanyeol licks against his tongue, pressing deep and Minseok melts in his touch, feeling the glow within him get brighter and brighter, almost as if it’s dancing on his skin, needing to latch on to the nearest soul. 

When they first had sex, they were a little clumsy, fumbling around and limbs going everywhere, yet it had been  _ perfect,  _ for them. They’d learned as they went, learning what each other liked, what worked and what didn’t.

Now, after years apart, after experience and time, it’s  _ good.  _ Really, truly good, right from the moment Chanyeol starts stripping Minseok of his clothing, pulling his sweater up over his head and his large,  _ hot  _ hands pressing up against Minseok’s belly, feeling the hard lines of his stomach, his chest, pinching and teasing at his nipples, and  _ fuck.  _ Minseok moans, louder and louder as Chanyeol leans down to lick over his skin, down his jaw, his neck, his clavicle, circling around his nipple before he  _ bites  _ gently, taking it into his mouth, and Minseok feels like he’s about to fly out of his skin. 

He pulls at Chanyeol’s clothes, shucking off his top, feeling him up almost immediately. Chanyeol had always been so  _ long,  _ but he’d gotten so broad, thick and  _ big _ beneath his fingers, and Chanyeol yields easily into his touch, sighing and moaning as Minseok traces the muscles of his abdomen, hands skimming up until Chanyeol takes them up to his lips, kissing his palms with reverence.

Minseok shivers, watching as Chanyeol eyes him as he presses his mouth against his hands, and he  _ needs  _ to be naked with him, needs,  _ needs,  _ to have Chanyeol whine underneath him, beg and plead prettily on his cock. 

“Show me your bed, baby,” Minseok murmurs, and Chanyeol swallows heavily, and Minseok feels how hard he is against his thigh, and Minseok feels his gaze darken. 

Chanyeol’s bedroom is simple, clean lines and cool, cold colors, and Minseok has no doubt he’d had a hand in designing and building the place up. The bed is large, the mattress yielding but firm beneath them, and Chanyeol looks  _ divine  _ on it, gasping as Minseok trails his lips all over his body, stripping him of his pants and boxers as he goes. Chanyeol is nothing short of gorgeous, naked beneath Minseok’s hands and his cock, thick and almost completely hard as it rests on his belly, and Minseok can eat him up.

“Fuck, you’re  _ beautiful,”  _ Minseok breathes, and Chanyeol can’t look him in the eye, embarrassed as Minseok stares down at him though he has nothing to be embarrassed about. He squeaks as Minseok reaches down, takes his cock in his hand, and Minseok is enraptured by the image he gives him. Naked, hard for him, all for him to take.

Minseok is overcome, and he leans down, taking the head of Chanyeol’s thick cock into his mouth. 

Chanyeol shouts, moaning and pushing his hips down, shoving more of his length into Minseok’s mouth. Minseok moans, surprised but he takes in as much as he can, relaxing his jaw to go down on him more, bobbing his head and savoring the thickness in his mouth, licking him and making him harder with his mouth. 

“Oh,  _ god,  _ Minseok,  _ Minseokkie, fuck,”  _ Chanyeol cries out as Minseok stretches out his tongue, slapping the head of Chanyeol’s cock against it. “Your mouth, fuck-”

“Let me fuck you, Yeollie,” Minseok asks him, breathing heavily and humping his own hips against the bed, his cock painfully hard in his own pants, just  _ aching  _ to cram into Chanyeol’s sweet ass. “Please, baby-”

“Yes,  _ yes,  _ always,” Chanyeol moans, and Minseok comes up to kiss him deeply, twisting his tongue around his, pushing the taste of himself deep into his mouth. 

Chanyeol reaches over to the drawer next to the bed, hands Minseok a condom and lube, and his eyes are glazed over, his lips swollen and thick, and Minseok is overwhelmed with it all. He truly did not expect that he could ever find himself in this position again, but as he slithers down, pushing his lubed up fingers slowly, carefully into Chanyeol’s hole as he takes Chanyeol’s cock into his mouth again, the sound of Chanyeol’s desperate moans and whimpers filling his ears, he really would not be anywhere else, thankful for all the coincidences and circumstances that have led them back here. 

“Oh,  _ fuck,  _ Min,” Chanyeol breathes heavily, his ass opening up gorgeously for Minseok’s fingers as he prepares him, and his cock hard, heavy and hot in Minseok’s mouth. His hands are in Minseok’s hair, pulling gently, and  _ not so gently  _ whenever Minseok crooks his fingers, getting at  _ that  _ angle, and with the way he whines almost constantly, hips rolling and dick spilling precome at the tip, he gives away his desperation, much of which Minseok mirrors.

“Oh, Chanyeol, baby,” Minseok breathes, popping off of his cock just to watch him writhing against the bed, head flopping around on the mattress as his lips part to let out a stream of moans and whimpers. Minseok pushes in with three fingers, and Chanyeol gasps, and he lets go of any inhibitions, crying out as he pushes his hips down, rolling his ass down onto Minseok’s hand, his hole clenching and stretching around the digits inside him. “Fuck,  _ fuck,  _ your ass-”

“Fuck,  _ fuck,  _ I’m ready, Minnie, want you, been so long,” he cries out, face open and devastated as he reaches down and takes Minseok’s wrist, and  _ slams  _ it in, fingers fucking into him over and over, sinking up to the knuckles each time.

Minseok  _ moans,  _ about to lose his mind as Chanyeol uses his hand to fuck himself, and he shucks off his pants, almost violently in his haste to fuck him, and rolls the condom down onto his cock with some difficulty, his fingers shaking too much in his desperation.

He slicks himself up, his whole body  _ aching  _ to  _ slam  _ into Chanyeol, fill him up, give him everything. 

He can’t wait, so he doesn’t. 

He pushes Chanyeol’s legs back to his chest, looking down at his red, wet face, kiss-bitten lips and dazed eyes, and Minseok guides his length to where he’d stretched him open. He doesn’t know if it’s because their bodies remember each other, if it’s because he’s prepped him well, or if it’s because it’s  _ them,  _ but when he sinks his cock into his ass, moaning together as Minseok plunges deeply into him, right up to the base, it feels almost instantly like  _ home. _

“Oh  _ god,”  _ Chanyeol cries out, precome spurting out of his cock as his ass is filled, and Minseok can barely speak, stilling as he gathers himself, overwhelmed by Chanyeol’s tight,  _ gorgeous  _ heat, his ass swallowing him up incredibly. “Fuck,  _ oh my god-” _

Minseok pulls back slightly, slowly, breathing carefully as just the tip keeps his ass stretched, and he watches himself plunge back in, his cock filling up Chanyeol’s hole  _ so well,  _ and he doesn’t wait to do it again. Pulling out, watching and waiting for Chanyeol’s cry, pleading for him to fuck him, keep him full, and he goes harder.  _ Slams  _ his cock back into his hole, their skin slapping together and his balls shaking from the force of it, making him grind his teeth in how good everything feels, and he can barely take the sight of Chanyeol’s rim stretched around Minseok’s girth, just  _ taking him. _

“Yeollie,  _ baby,”  _ Minseok breathes, reaching down to grip Chanyeol’s hips, his chest so unbelievably  _ tight  _ as he takes him in, fucked out and wanting under him _ ,  _ and he lifts his hips up slightly from the bed. The angle is glorious, Chanyeol looking  _ gorgeous  _ and wrecked, and his ass a treasure. His cock slaps against his belly with every thrust Minseok fucks him with, and it’s a whole picture that Minseok is  _ so lucky  _ to have. 

Minseok takes every advantage of the angle, guiding him so his hips are at the  _ perfect  _ angle, and he  _ rams  _ his cock down, drilling into Chanyeol’s ass with a pace that’s nothing short of sin, and Chanyeol’s strangled moans are high, melodious, his whole body shaking with the force of Minseok’s pounding.

“Fuck, baby, you’re so tight,  _ fuck,”  _ Minseok praises him, gasping with him as Chanyeol tightens around his dick, and  _ fuck,  _ even if it’s been years, even if they’ve done this with other people, nothing,  _ nothing,  _ feels like this, the way they are with each other. It’s so  _ much,  _ almost to the point of overwhelming that drowns out any and all air, leaving nothing but  _ just them.  _ “Fuck, Chanyeol. Such a tight, sweet ass, so fucking good-”

“Oh,  _ god,”  _ Chanyeol trembles at his words, so much that Minseok can feel it around his length, his ass squeezing clenching and twitching around him. “Harder,  _ fuck.” _

Minseok growls from deep within his chest, and he follows suit, pistoning into his ass harder, almost ferociously as he slams in, his hips slapping against his ass and the noise of it all obscene, a loud, audible  _ thwop, thwop,  _ that makes Minseok’s whole body feel hot. 

_ “Uh, uh, uh,”  _ Chanyeol punctures the air with gasps, moans of pleasure as he’s fucked, his hands scrambling, searching for purchase on the sheets as Minseok plows into him. 

He feels  _ feral  _ with it, watching Chanyeol  _ take it,  _ and he brings them both down, laying on top of Chanyeol fully and kissing him, hard, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and swallowing the moans he’s given as he rolls his hips languidly.

Chanyeol whimpers against his lips, their bodies slicked slightly by sweat and making the slide just this side of tacky, but he clings on, throwing his arms over Minseok’s shoulders as he sinks into his ass, keeping him stretched and full.

Minseok moans, sighing against him, his hole so wonderfully  _ hot  _ around him, and he thinks quickly. He turns them over, bringing Chanyeol up to lay on top of him, and Chanyeol makes a small noise at the change of position.

“Ride me, baby,” Minseok hums, and Chanyeol moans,  _ “Oh, fuck,”  _ getting up to seat himself on Minseok’s cock. And he’s nothing short of  _ captivating,  _ alluring and looking sinful from where Minseok lays on the mattress, Minseok’s cock lodged deeply into his ass as he’s sat as if he were on a throne, looking down at Minseok with a tilted head, dark eyes and plump, slick lips. 

Chanyeol’s mouth drops more, eyes closing as he throws his head back when he lifts, and  _ drops  _ down on him, his own cock jumping and slapping down on Minseok’s belly. Minseok is fully speechless as Chanyeol  _ rides,  _ pounding himself, his thighs shaking with it as he bounces on his cock, and before long, Chanyeol has a hand up in his hair,  _ pulling  _ as he pumps his hips, and the other on his chest, rolling a nipple between his fingers. 

Minseok feels his mouth go dry, and he reaches to take his cock into his hand, but Chanyeol shoves it off, breathing, “No, I’ll come on your cock, it’s been so long, I want to do it.”

His throat goes dry, too, words failing him as Chanyeol leans back, placing his hands on Minseok’s knees and bringing up his own, spreading them apart and rocking down onto him, and Minseok chokes on his breath, falling back onto the bed, overwhelmed with how fucking  _ good  _ Chanyeol looks and feels around him.

“Fuck, Chanyeol,” he moans, his nails digging in lightly into where he’s holding Chanyeol’s thighs, “Fuck,  _ yeah, baby-” _

Chanyeol rocks down, and they moan together, taking each other in. Chanyeol looks so lost in it, sweat dripping down from his hairline, down his temples, his eyes glazed over in the pleasure as he rolls down on Minseok, and Minseok thinks he’s nothing short of  _ stunning.  _ Minseok grips right where Chanyeol’s hips meet his thighs, and he  _ slams  _ him down as he drives his hips up, pistoning into him from below. 

“Fuck!  _ Fuck!”  _ Chanyeol cries, legs going slightly slack as Minseok rams into him again, his mouth left open as he moans nonstop as he takes Minseok’s cock. “That’s -  _ oh god, right there-” _

“Fucking beautiful, baby,” Minseok breathes, but despite how  _ incredible  _ Chanyeol feels in this position, how  _ delicious  _ he looks, riding him and fucking himself on his cock, Minseok feels it’s not enough. He’s too  _ far,  _ he’s not touching enough of him, and this way, he can’t kiss him as much as he wants to. 

So Minseok turns them over again, Chanyeol yelping when he lands back on the bed. And as  _ lewd  _ and sexy it had been to have Chanyeol sitting on his cock, when Minseok pushes himself back into him again, Chanyeol whining loudly as Minseok blankets himself over him as he pumps into him, it feels even  _ better,  _ holding him fully, being this close. 

“Bobo, baby,” Minseok says, and Chanyeol doesn’t take even a moment before he’s reaching up to cup his face in both of his hands, almost dwarfing his face, and pulling him down to kiss him, their mouths slick and their tongues hot as they slide together. 

Chanyeol makes these small, punctured gasps, and it’s instantly apparent to Minseok he’s close. So Minseok doubles his pace, pounding harder, faster, urging him along to getting there with silky kisses to his mouth and tender praises murmured against his lips. 

“Beautiful, Yeollie,” he hums, Chanyeol moaning against his cheek as he pushes in harder, the thrusts punctuated by the loud  _ ‘fwop’  _ of their skin slapping together. “Doing so well, taking me.”

“Minnie, baby,  _ oh,”  _ Chanyeol whimpers, clutching Minseok’s shoulders and crossing his legs around Minseok’s waist, urging him deeper. “I’m,  _ ah,  _ I’m close.”

“That’s it, baby,” Minseok says, ramming into him, licking into his mouth. Come for me, baby, give it to me-”

Chanyeol cries, and he’s curling into Minseok, his whole body trembling as his cock shoots all over their torsos, his ass clenching deliciously around Minseok’s cock.

“Oh,  _ Minseok,”  _ he moans, his thighs shaking around him, and suddenly the heat that had building up in Minseok’s belly  _ snaps  _ hard. Minseok gasps as he pumps into Chanyeol in minute thrusts, spilling into the condom as he finishes, his whole body feeling like it had been lit up from the inside, the glow making him tremble. 

Chanyeol wraps his limbs around him, holding him close, kissing his forehead as he calms down, and Minseok curls into him, seeking his warmth, and it’s given to him without question, and in abundance.

It had been  _ so  _ long, since it had been like  _ this.  _ He’d had wonderful partners in the years they had been apart, but this. Now. Shows him that no one is Chanyeol, who opens up so  _ beautifully  _ and perfectly for Minseok, like it was always meant to be for him to take, and shows him that no one will be  _ them,  _ together. No one will feel like fire and ice and still come together so perfectly, full of light. 

He feels like laughing, exhausted but immensely fulfilled, like it had been a long time coming. He indulges in a soft giggle against Chanyeol’s chest, and before he knows it, he feels beneath his cheek the way Chanyeol begins to laugh with him, his chest rising and falling with it. 

It’s nearing four in the morning. He has to be back to the dorm in three hours. He laughs, just thinking about it, because he’d been right about thinking he’d have no sleep. Worth it. 

“Bobo, Yeollie,” he hums, and Chanyeol grins, tilting Minseok’s face up and leaning down to acquiesce with a gentle slide of their lips together, both their lips swollen, the touch sensitive, but they don’t stop, kissing deeper and longer.

.

They’re on their third week of promotions, about to wrap up on Sunday in Inkigayo, when they’re called to the head offices on Saturday morning.

Minseok is seated between Baekhyun and Jongdae, Junmyeon standing close by behind them as the room fills up with the directors and board of the company, taking seats on the other side. These kinds of meetings tend to either be ones discussing new plans or announcements concerning the group, or, on occasion, discuss certain issues that need to be handled more delicately, or what is essentially damage control. 

The first time, it had concerned Baekhyun and a persistent stalker; the company had sued and the perpetrator is still serving a sentence. The last time, right before the last tour, it had been with Jongdae, and his intention to get married. He and his fiance are set to wed in the next year, and the company had hired a team of lawyers and had cracked down on an anti-cafe that had formed upon the news’ announcement, collecting data and evidence from fans and have built up a strong case. 

They’re lucky enough to be with a good company, Yubin and Zhoumi taking them in with little fuss when they had made the decision to leave their old employers, and they make good on their word of taking concrete action and taking care of them well. They always come in with bright smiles and full-bodied hugs to greet them, treating them like younger brothers rather than employees, and Minseok is always happy to see them, but it doesn’t really change how he feels about these things. He’s  _ always  _ on edge about them, knowing he has to listen the hardest, knowing he’s the one that speaks for the three of them in front of their bosses. 

Today, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be bad news, there’s a lot of coffee and cake, and the atmosphere doesn’t seem to be tense. Still, Minseok sits quietly, smiling just occasionally, shaking his head when Baekhyun offers him a slice of roll cake. 

“Morning, everyone,” Yubin says, looking too put together for 8 am in the morning. Her hair is impeccable, and she’s too well dressed for the hour. “Firstly, our congratulations for our golden boys. Over a million copies sold, plenty of records broken, and nine wins so far. We could not be prouder, you’ve worked incredibly hard.”

Everyone in the room cheers for them, and Minseok fights the blush that threatens to take over his face. Whoops and claps and  _ “ChenBaekXi!”’s  _ echo in the room, and while he’s a little embarrassed, it  _ does  _ feel good, even as Jongdae and Baekhyun jostle him around, beaming widely on either side of him, their immediate staff looking even brighter than they do. 

“So, this leads to our next point in the agenda,” Zhoumi says with an excited expression. “We’ll be welcoming the coming year with a concert, and then a tour to follow.”

At this, people are cheering again, and the three of them are smiling widely, feeling excited and grateful; concerts were almost always the  _ best  _ part of what they did, performing and coming to meet their fans, traveling and sharing their music with those who mattered most to them. 

But, Zhoumi raises a hand to calm the claps, and his face is bright, Yubin grinning next to him in a mysterious way. “Ah, but I hope you’re ready to project your voices a bit more.”

The three of them blink together, staring on at them, confused, not understanding why they’re being cryptic. Baekhyun chews on a large bite of his cake, and Jongdae is halfway through his Americano.

Yubin takes mercy, says, “We’re moving up. You’re going to open the tour at Jamsil Stadium.”

The cake falls out of Baekhyun’s mouth as his jaw goes slack, and Jongdae chokes on a large gulpful of his coffee, coughing as Junmyeon pats his back. 

Minseok sits in disbelief, staring at them. Jamsil is  _ massive,  _ and they’ve never even dared to think about holding a show there, and they’ve been more than happy with arena shows. A stadium is a whole other beast, and to be trusted this much to hold a concert in the biggest venue in the country, the biggest of their careers. 

It’s gratitude, and an enormous pressure, that fills his body.

“Je- _ sus,”  _ Baekhyun says, and the staff are cheering even louder, squealing for them. Some are even crying, having seen them work themselves from the ground up  _ twice,  _ and reaching this point in their careers seems like so many miracles coming together. 

“Will we be able to sell that many seats?” Jongdae says, but the glint in his eyes shows his excitement, and Minseok can tell he’s raring to go, even right at this moment. 

“We have more than enough faith that you will,” Yubin says, “But regardless of sales, we’re doing this because you three have deserved it for  _ so  _ long. What we want from you is your hard work, as the usual, and for you to have fun, most of all.”

“And we’ll be expanding the tour to a European leg, a North and South American leg as well aside from the usual Asian stops,” Zhoumi tells them, and it’s all  _ amazing,  _ really nothing short of miraculous. 

But. Minseok cannot help but think of how much  _ time  _ that will all take. Potentially several months away from home, away from. 

Away from this blooming new time in his life with someone he really treasures. 

He says nothing, smiling instead as everyone congratulates them, and the rest of the meeting is spent detailing the breakdown of show dates and countries they’re visiting (over eighty shows spread over fifty countries; the scale of it all is becoming much more  _ real,  _ and the pressure mounts and mounts), suggestions for a concert theme (“Circus!” Baekyun says instantly, eyes bright, and when asked why, Minseok had answered in a serious tone, “Because we’re all clowns.”), and other details like potential setlist, choreography and styling. 

It’s a packed, noisy hour and a half, but they get plenty done by the end of the meeting, feeling particularly fulfilled. They bow to all the staff and other board executives as they leave the room, but as they make their way out after them, Yubin is saying, “Wait, boys. We have one more thing to discuss, just with the three of you.”

The anxiety builds up almost instantly in Minseok’s chest, but he’s the one who guides the other two back to their seats and speaks for them, “Yes, of course.”

“Do I leave then, sir?” Junmyeon asks, and Zhoumi replies with a kind smile, “No, please stay as well, Myeon. We believe you may have some important insight into this, since you know them the best.”

And it fills Minseok up even more, and somehow, he just  _ knows  _ what they’re going to bring up with them. 

Even though it’s just Yubin and Zhoumi before them, their expressions still kind as it always is, the atmosphere is heavily tense, at least to Minseok, and he can barely look up from the table in front of him. 

“We don’t hope to make you uncomfortable,” Yubin says. “But, we’ve come to know that Minseok and your new producer are previously acquainted?”

Minseok stills, but he swallows it down. Looks up, keeping his face blank as he says, “Yes. Park Chanyeol and I grew up together.”

They look to him patiently, and it’s clear to Minseok they won’t bring it up unless it’s okay with him. 

The three of them have been here for years, and Minseok’s sexuality had  _ never  _ been an issue; his and Sehun’s arrangement had been an open secret in the company, and true to form, nothing had changed for Minseok. He had continued to work hard, and regardless of who he was and who he slept with, he was treated with utmost respect and praise.

But, Minseok is wise enough to recognize that this is different. He and Chanyeol, he knows, can  _ never  _ be casual. 

Chanyeol means  _ everything,  _ right now.

So, he says carefully, quietly, “We have recently reconnected.”

“I see,” Zhoumi nods, understanding, and Minseok feels his hands tremble. Wordlessly, Baekhyun and Jongdae take his hands in their own, offering silent support and comfort. 

Minseok shakes, but he holds on, bolstered by their warmth, feeling brave despite his trembling tone, he admits, “We were together for a very long time, in our youth. And we’ve decided to explore our relationship again.”

It’s the first time he’s admitted aloud, to them, that he’s not straight. He shakes still.

“You were childhood sweethearts?” they ask him. 

He nods, still unable to meet their eyes. 

“Oh, Minseok. That’s really wonderful,” she says, and Minseok looks up, shocked. Their smiles are sincere, warm, and Minseok knows they mean it when they say, “A lot of people have told us you’ve been a lot brighter, and we really see it. It’s great, seeing you so happy.”

He feels like an elephant had lifted off one of its feet off his chest. He’d always known that they didn’t mind about who he is, but to hear the words, to have the acceptance be uttered simply. Minseok feels his eyes sting, and he holds on tighter to Jongdae’s and Baekhyun’s hands, his exhale coming out in a tremor.

“You’re happy, right?” Zhoumi asks him gently. 

Minseok looks up. He nods, “I am. It’s scary. I’m happy, all the same.”

“Then that’s all we need to know,” they say. They look like they mean it. “You have a safe space with us.”

“Thank you,” he says, breathing out, wallowing heavily. 

“Just be careful, is all,” Yubin says, looking at them kindly. She looks a little longer at Minseok, hoping he understands. “We are immensely proud to have you as our partner here, and we will defend you through anything, should the time come.”

“Has Chanyeol been visiting you during your schedules frequently?” Zhoumi asks, and at his nod, he asks further, “And you’ve been seen at each other’s places?” 

Minseok feels the dread settle on his shoulders again, but he nods in answer. 

They must notice his apprehension, because she says, “We don’t want to hinder your happiness, Minseok, please don’t misunderstand.”

“Your personal life is yours alone. It’s just that it’s part of our jobs, to ensure that you’re safe as you live and work,” Zhoumi says. “It’s your life and we can’t dictate how you want to live it.”

“We just want to give you some gentle advice, and it’s completely up to you, whether or not you take it,” Yubin says. “Surround yourself with good people, and just live well. Be careful, and choose your battles as well as you can. We will be here to support you when you choose to live openly, but if you’re not ready, if the time’s not right, just be watchful. There are too many people who are looking to harm any of you.”

“I understand,” Minseok nods, and listens well, knowing where they’re coming from. Appreciating them for being good to him, respecting him, looking out for him. “I’ll take it well.”

“We’re here if you need anything, alright?” they tell him, coming up to them to give the three of them embraces. Minseok holds on a little tighter, thankful for the miracle of having really good bosses. 

He thinks of Chanyeol. Holds on a little tighter, for him too.

.

It’s Inkigayo, day 3, the last music show schedule for this round of promo, and he’s getting off the stage from their rehearsal when he’s greeted with a bouquet of purple iris flowers. He blinks, but before he can be confused, Chanyeol’s face appears from behind the flowers, smiling brightly, beautiful and like sunshine.

Minseok feels his mood just lift instantly, and he beams gently for him, wanting to wrap him up in an embrace and  _ ‘Chanyeol bobo’  _ at least twenty times, but there are too many staff people around them, not to mention the droves of artists hanging around in the halls, waiting for their turn our hanging out. 

Fortunately, Baekhyun reads his face, and gathers the three of them and Chanyeol into a tight group hug, making sure Minseok had the most Chanyeol surface area to embrace. 

“Hi,” Chanyeol says, if a little out of breath because of how tight they’re all packed. “Um, I thought to drop by for the farewell stage, the nice lady told me these were a symbol of congratulations?”

“Have some for all of us this time?” Baekhyun eyes him, and like magic, the gigantic bouquet in Chanyeol’s hands separates into three. Baekhyun grins, and says, “You’re on the nice list again.”

“Was I ever on the bad list?” Chanyeol says with wide eyes, and Minseok rolls his eyes at Baekhyun, pushing back at him, saying, “Alright, we need to go back to the dressing room-”

“Right,” Baekhyun says. Naturally, Minseok thinks they would release themselves from the hug, and walk normally. 

Instead, Jongdae and Baekhyun initiate a group huddle, waddling back to their room with careful steps. Despite his, and Chanyeol’s, protests, they keep moving back, shuffling along the halls and nodding to the other artists as they go along. 

They reach the room without much incident, aside from some small embarrassment on Minseok’s part, but that’s not new to him. He’s pretty sure the network’s backstage crew had caught it on camera, and in the very least, he knows they’d provided them with good footage for this week’s video.

Junmyeon takes one look at them, and says, “I don’t want to know,” before he pulls them apart, getting Jongdae to the makeup chair to get his hair fixed. 

It’s then that Minseok turns to Chanyeol, smiling serenely as he’s given a warm, tender look in return. “Yeollie, bobo,” he hums quietly, and Chanyeol beams brightly before he leans down to give into his request and kissing him tenderly.

He hears the room teasing them, but he just kisses him a little longer for it, going up on his toes and wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s shoulders to bring him closer still.

“Is that a thing between you two?” Junmyeon asks as they pull apart, “Asking for kisses?”

Minseok smiles as Chanyeol looks at him, before looking at Junmyeon with a dopey little grin. “Do you want the whole story? It starts out from when we were babies-”

“Oh,  _ flowers,  _ you sweet boy,” Baekhyun says before he can start, taking one of the bouquets from Chanyeol’s hand and sniffing it, before he pulls back and sneezes a little. “Oh. Pollen.”

“Thank you, Chanyeol, this is really kind of you,” Jongdae says, smiling kindly as he’s given the other. “You’ve been supporting us from the start, it means a lot.”

Chanyeol blushes, “Ah, it’s nothing. It means a lot to me that you trusted me and chose my song.”

“Thank you, Yeollie,” Minseok says as Chanyeol presents the biggest bouquet to him, the flowers fresh despite the cold season, and he looks up to catch the deep red flush across Chanyeol’s cheeks. “You really have been so supportive. This is beautiful.”

“Of course, it has to be, for you,” he says, and Minseok can sense the collective  _ cringe  _ everyone else in the room gives them.

“They’re flirting in front of us, Dae,” Baekhyun whispers rather loudly, pointing at them with mock subtlety.

“One day, Byun,” Minseok warns him with a smile, “One day.”

“You don’t scare me,” he answers. Pauses, before he adds in a more quiet tone,  _ “That  _ much.”

“So, Chanyeol, how does all of this feel?” Jongdae shifts the conversation, sensing some trouble. “Having such a successful song under your belt?”

“Ah, it’s only successful because it was sung by the three of you,” he says, and Minseok tsks, pulling at his red ear. 

“Don’t be like that,” Minseok chides, “We all chose it because it’s good;  _ you  _ made that song sound like that.”

“Did we do Mama proud?” Baekhyun asks him, asking the stylist to put some of the blooms in his hair to be extra fun for the last stage. 

Chanyeol’s answer is instant, and he says, “Of course. No one else could have done this song. It was written for you.”

Minseok looks at him, and smiles at his earnestness. Thinks of how the song had been the bridge to them meeting again, how Yixing had chosen Chanyeol and this demo to present to them, and how everything had followed after. Truthfully, the song had been another little miracle for them. 

A miracle for the group, bringing CBX back to the general public’s favor, and the hit they hoped for but blew every expectation. 

A miracle for the two of them, despite every odd. Despite every challenge their past presented to them. They were  _ here.  _

“Did you come for Minseokkie?” Baekhyun asks him.

“Ah. I really came for all of you,” Chanyeol answers. “Just wanted to congratulate you all. You know, for getting through all this these past few months, it must have been tiring.”

“Ah,” Jongdae sighs, “I really have missed getting more than four hours of sleep.”

“At least you can rest more now,” Chanyeol says brightly.

“Please,” Baekhyun moans, exaggerating his exhaustion. “It’s just going to get even more intense with all the practice we’ll be doing.”

“Practice?” Chanyeol asks, confused, and Minseok goes very still. “But. I thought your promotions are done?”

“Well, yes, the promotional cycle is done mostly, aside from a few more fan signs up until the beginning of next year,” Junmyeon says, but he says it carefully, realizing that Minseok is still frozen. “And, um. Awards season is about to begin soon, so there are rehearsals for that, and the end-of-year shows too.”

“Oh, really?” Chanyeol says, eyes a little wide as their schedule is recounted to him, and Minseok realizes belatedly that he should have told Chanyeol these things. It had always been so obvious to him, that he’d be doing these things every year, but he didn’t think to tell Chanyeol about it. He’d made a mistake. 

“Yeah, we go every year,” he says, owning up to his oversight. “I should have told you. It’s just, it slipped my mind, I’m sorry.”

Chanyeol pouts at him, but it’s not to make him feel guilty. Minseok can tell he’s sad that more of their time together will be eaten up more, but he says, “It’s okay. Just a bit upset we won’t get many proper dates, at least until next year.”

And Minseok fels the pit in his stomach get heavier. 

Chanyeol notices, and he asks, “Min. What is it?”

Minseok swallows, the lump not quite disappearing, and he tells him, “We’ll be busy next year, too. We, we have a concert and tour.”

Chanyeol stares, and Minseok feels like the elephant has a foot lodged on to his chest again. The room is silent, the atmosphere heavy and awkward. 

“A tour?” Chanyeol says after a few moments. He swallows, but he smiles, sincerely, but slightly strained still. “Ah, that’s amazing. I can’t wait to see you out there.”

“Yeol,” Minseok starts, but there’s a knock on the door, and a staff member from the show peeking their head through, saying, “Ten minutes to stage.”

“Right, thank you,” Baekhyun says in place for Minseok, smiling kindly until the door is closed.

Minseok looks at Chanyeol, not knowing what to say but knowing he needs to explain,  _ now,  _ but Chanyeol speaks first, “You need to get ready, I’ll leave you to it.”

“Wait, Chanyeol,” he says, his chest tight, but Junmyeon is reluctantly guiding him over to the makeup chair, and Minseok doesn’t resist as much as he should. 

“It’s okay,” Chanyeol smiles, “I’ll just get a snack from the cafeteria before I watch your stage, I heard they’re famous for their sandwiches here. I’ll get some for you, too.”

“Yeollie,” Minseok tries, but Chanyeol goes over to him to kiss his cheek briefly, still smiling as he goes before Minseok can stop him.

It leaves him feeling heavy for the next few hours, going through their performance and even through the interviews with the MCs with a full head and tight chest. 

Adding to the nervousness he feels when they’re nominated for first place, it leaves him having a harder time than he’s supposed to. 

Farewell stages are usually fun, it’s when they’re at their most relaxed, when they have fun with the fans and not think so heavily about it. And as much as Minseok tries to get into the mood, keep himself bright and happy, he knows he’s not completely immersed. 

They don’t expect much as they stand in front, waiting as the scores are announced. Minseok fully expects to not win, so when their name is announced, he blinks, shocked as he’s handed the flowers, Baekhyun taking the trophy and saying their thank you’s. 

It’s fully surreal, eleven wins under their belt and a crowd of loyal,  _ wonderful  _ fans as they celebrate their final music show appearance, and he’s  _ happy.  _ He truly is, the outcome of this comeback so much more than he had ever expected, the blessings continuing to come without pause, and he is genuinely so  _ thankful  _ for everything. 

But, it doesn’t mean that he’s not worried of what is to come.

They get to the side of the stage, Junmyeon waiting there to greet them, grin on his face and light in his eyes. “Congratulations, we’re  _ done,”  _ Junmyeon says, and Baekhyun and Jongdae crowd around him, seeking head pats, and Minseok smiles as he watches them.

He looks around, heart sinking slightly when he sees Chanyeol isn’t there, but he knows it’s not really usual for a producer to be so involved with a group, to visit at every recording and music show, so he supposes it’s just as well that he’s not being so obvious, though Minseok had really loved having him visit them, watch them, congratulate them with every win and every completed performance.

He turns to Junmyeon, indulging him and allowing him to pet his head once, before saying, “I just need to use the restroom.”

“Alright, see you back in the dressing room,” he says, and Minseok leaves, bowing to the several junior artists and staff who congratulate and bow to him along the way. It feels strange to be in the position he’s in, to be doing this for so long. 

He wonders what they’ve given up, to be here. To debut, to make music and perform. 

Surely, it had been no small sacrifice. He knows what he’d given up, and it feels like everything he has now, from the group’s succes, to rekindling his relationship with the person he’d left behind to make it here, are too good to be true.

He makes quick work of business in the bathroom, washes his hands, and dries his hands to make for the door. But before he can turn around to leave, suddenly, there are arms winding around his torso.

His heart drops in fear, his chest  _ pounding  _ violently, but there’s a voice he recognizes intimately, saying, “It’s me, Minnie. Baby, it’s me-”

_ “Fuck,”  _ he wears, exhaling loudly as he turns in Chanyeol’s arms and hits his chest playfully and pouting up at him. “Don’t do that again.”

“Sorry, baby,” Chanyeol says, cupping his cheek then, and Minseok’s chest races again. He turns his head away, and he sees the way Chanyeol’s face drops. He  _ hates  _ that he’d put that look on his face, but they  _ cannot  _ afford to get caught. 

“Yeol, we can’t, we’re in public,” he says, anxiety building up in his belly. 

“There’s no one here,” Chanyeol says, and Minseok looks around, and sees that the bathroom had emptied in the time he’d been there and is empty aside from them, and that Chanyeol is right. 

Still. He looks back at Chanyeol, and says seriously, “Please be more careful next time.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” he says, and he looks genuinely apologetic. “I just wanted to congratulate you on the win, and wrapping everything up well.”

“Thank you,” Minseok says, sighing. He looks at him, and regrets it, because Chanyeol’s kicked puppy expression is  _ too much  _ for his heart to handle. He sighs again, feeling his resolve crumble slowly, and he looks around again, making sure there’s absolutely no one around, and he acts before second-guessing himself. Reaches up to grab Chanyeol’s face, and pecks his lips in a quick kiss, and backs away almost immediately, blush high on his cheeks.

Chanyeol blinks at him owlishly, reaching up to touch his lips, and he’s blushing as well. 

Minseok clears his throat, making to suggest that they go back to the dressing room, but he’s being engulfed in another embrace, and he’s yelping as Chanyeol leans down to kiss him more deeply.

And Minseok’s will is only so strong; he melts under Chanyeol’s lips, parting his mouth and letting him lick in gently, taking him in as he’s almost swept off his feet.

He kisses him, deeper, longer, and they part for a moment to catch their breath. Chanyeol’s eyes are soft, and Minseok looks down, overwhelmed that Chanyeol’s gaze is always such. He tilts his head up, holding his face in his hands, leaning in to kiss him again, but Minseok looks over Chanyeol’s shoulder. And his heart stops in his chest. 

He pushes Chanyeol away, feeling like he’s about to faint when he realizes too late that the room is no longer empty.

Minseok isn’t ready for it. He feels like a coward, admitting it, but he’s  _ not ready  _ to be out, to have to deal with just anyone finding out. And he knows that any backlash on him affects the group. He  _ cannot. _

Chanyeol looks at him, concerned, but he realizes as well that they’re no longer alone when he hears, “Ah, I’m sorry, I must have interrupted something.”

Minseok’s chest deflates, but in relief. “Kyungsoo,” he breathes, looking up to see him standing near the door, blinking gently at them as he closes the door firmly behind him. “Fuck, sorry. I, we didn’t see you there.”

“It’s alright,” he says, shrugging, and smiling kindly at them. He doesn’t look very surprised to see them together, actually even pleased, and Minseok feels himself still, many thoughts racing in his mind. While most of the company kind of know he’s gay, the fact that he and Chanyeol were together was still just limited to their immediate staff, and the directors. “I’m just shooting some things for my comeback next week.”

“Right, of course,” Minseok says, smiling at him, though he feels like his chest is still pounding too fast for him to be relaxed. He swallows heavily, tries to think of ways to make the atmosphere less awkward, and he looks at Chanyeol, who is standing still next to him, his shoulders tense. “Um, this is Chanyeol.”

“We’ve met in the company,” Kyungsoo smiles, and Chanyeol returns his smile, though it’s highly strained. “He produced a few songs for the album.”

Minseok pauses, “Oh.” He looks at Chanyeol again, and he returns his gaze, and Minseok finds that he can’t really read the look on his face. 

Kyungsoo watches them curiously, saying, “You didn’t know?”

“What do you mean by that?” Minseok asks him.

Kyungsoo takes a moment, thinking carefully, before he says, “I would think you would know, because. Well, because you’re his boyfriend?”

Minseok stares at him, feeling like his heart had stopped. And he stares at Chanyeol, who doesn’t quite meet his gaze, telling Kyungsoo is a faux light tone, “Ah. I didn’t tell him about it.”

“You know we’re dating?” Minseok asks him. His voice comes out sharper than he had intended, but he looks on as Chanyeol looks back at him, sheepish but sad. 

Kyungsoo senses the tense atmosphere, and he shifts about awkwardly, saying, “Ah, I do. Um, I really did need to use the bathroom, excuse me,” before going to the nearest cubicle and locking himself in. They don’t hear him unzip his pants, or really anything, and it’s easily apparent to Minseok that he had just sought the nearest escape to avoid talking to them further. 

He doesn’t particularly blame him.

The tense atmosphere follows them hours later, when they’re in Chanyeol’s car as he drives them back to his place, supposedly. But Minseok is unsure if he wants to go back with him tonight, even though he  _ knows  _ they need to talk this out, clear the air. But.

He just doesn’t want to deal with this, tonight. 

It’s silent, Chanyeol not even plugging in his phone to play some music for the drive, and Minseok thinks they’re not going to talk at all, until Chanyeol is clearing his throat then. Says quietly, “I’m sorry about earlier. I should have waited until we got back to the dressing room to kiss you like that.”

Minseok breathes. “Yeah, you should have,” he says, his tone hard, and really, it’s just  _ one  _ thing they need to talk about. He knows the night is going to be  _ long.  _

He sees the way Chanyeol’s hand tightens on the wheel, and the slight downturn of his lips. “I was wrong. I know that, but. At least it was just Kyungsoo who saw-”

“And if it wasn’t Kyungsoo?” Minseok says, and he feels like he’s about to snap. Weeks and weeks of letting it all fester, keeping it to himself, and he’s had too much in his chest. “Chanyeol, I hope you understand that this job. My job, it’s almost certain that I can never reveal my sexuality, or that we’re dating.”

“I know that,” Chanyeol says, looking at the road, and Minseok knows he wants to say more. Knows he doesn’t like it, and Minseok  _ gets it,  _ he doesn’t like it either, but. It can’t be helped.

“I know I should have prepared you for it more,” he says, unable to stop. “I should have told you how hard it would be, and how busy I would get. But please, take it seriously too. It’s my livelihood, and I worked really hard to get here. I gave up  _ so much,  _ you know that, and I don’t want it to be in vain.”

“I know,” he replies, his tone shorter, and Minseok feels bad, knowing he touched a nerve with bringing up their past, no matter how slightly. But he can’t leave it here. Can’t just brush everything under the rug.

“You told Kyungsoo,” he says.

Chanyeol’s fingers grip the wheel hard, so hard his knuckles turn white. “It’s apparent that you never would.”

Minseok feels like he’d been stabbed in the chest. “That’s not fair,” he says, swallowing his emotion.

“You know it’s true,” Chanyeol says, and Minseok knows he deserves this, but it  _ hurts,  _ coming from Chanyeol. Chanyeol, who’s supposed to know him better than that.

His eyes sting, and he reveals quietly, “I came out to my bosses yesterday. I told them we were dating.”

Chanyeol stills, and goes very quiet. Minseok feels like crying, but he breathes slowly to stop it, looking down at his lap instead, feeling very inadequate. 

It’s several minutes before Chanyeol speaks again, saying softly, “I’m proud of you. Really.”

Minseok closes his eyes. His chest aches, and it aches all the more when Chanyeol reaches out, taking one of his hands in his, bringing it up to his lips. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Minseok says. He still hurts, but he holds on to Chanyeol, letting the ache go. 

The ride is quiet for a long time. Minseok doesn’t know what else to say, feeling like he’s sitting on a fragile plain he doesn’t know how to navigate. Chanyeol moves his hands slightly, linking their fingers together, and Minseok feels his breath shudder. 

“Were you ever going to tell me about the tour?” Chanyeol asks him quietly. 

Minseok breathes in. “We just found out yesterday. I really was going to tell you. You just. You have to give me some time. Please.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll do better,” Chanyeol says. His voice is tender, tired. But, affectionate still. “I’m happy for you. That’s great news.”

Minseok holds back his sniff, asks him quietly, “Will you watch us?”

They stop at a red light, and Chanyeol leans over, lifting Minseok’s chin, kissing him gently. His eyes are light, and his smile soft as he answers, “I’ll be on the front row.”

“You’ll be fighting a lot of people for those seats,” he tells him, and Chanyeol chuckles. 

“LOEY always finds a way,” he says, kissing him again, calming Minseok’s worries, even just for now. 

.

Even after their talk, even after trying to find time for each other and doing their best to understand when there really wasn’t any, it gets harder. 

They begin their simultaneous rehearsals for the award shows, where they’ve been nominated for several awards, including Song of the Year and Album of the Year across all the shows, a first for them, as well as rehearsals for the end-of-year shows, and most gruelingly, are the rehearsals for the concert, with several new songs to practice intense choreography to, not even mentioning the solo stages.

It’s over ten hours of dance practice a day, six days a week, and Minseok is about to lose his mind. Baekhyun keeps taking off his pants halfway through the day even though they have so much more to practice, and Jongdae gets progressively more quiet, something that isn’t very usual with him, and Minseok just wants to go home and talk to Chanyeol and listen to him sing along to the songs on his endless playlist. And if he wants kisses, and maybe a bit of rolling around on a bed, then that’s  _ his  _ business.

They don’t get much time together. Any time he did manage to go back to his place, Minseok would be barely awake enough to respond to kisses or even eat. And Chanyeol was always,  _ always  _ ready to hold him, hold him close and tight as he tried and failed to stay awake for him, to do  _ anything. _

Minseok is trying, but. It seems like he’d come into this with too much optimism.

_ “Hey, Minnie,”  _ Chanyeol’s voice is warm even through the phone, and Minseok can’t help but smile, even with as tired as he is. 

“Hey, baby,” he replies, sitting down on the floor and leaning against the mirrored wall, watching as Jongdae practices his solo, and Baekhyun comes over then, tiredly lying down and setting his head on Minseok’s thigh, knocking out almost instantly into a nap. Minseok pats his hair gently, and he feels sad, guilty as he starts, “I’m sorry-”

_ “Ah, you can’t make it?”  _ Chanyeol says, and he doesn’t hide his dejection and disappointment. His voice is heavily laced with it, but he just sighs, saying,  _ “It can’t be helped.” _

“I’m really sorry, baby,” Minseok says, closing his eyes, feeling disappointment as well. “If I could escape, I would-”

_ “You shouldn’t, you’re the leader,”  _ Chanyeol says. There’s something in his tone that Minseok’s can’t quite catch, but he lets it go, because in the time that they’ve started doing this again, Minseok has missed more dates than he’s actually made it. While Chanyeol has been wonderfully patient, and it’s not like he hadn’t visited them often as they had holed themselves up in the company’s dance studio. But, with the amount of work they were doing, the only time they really had to even just  _ sit  _ and be together was the brief half-hour lunch break, and any five minutes Jongin calls for where Minseok mostly spends curled up like a sweaty kitten in Chanyeol’s arms, resting and out of breath. 

He knows that it’s just normal for him to be disappointed that they haven’t had much time together. 

He tries to bury the apprehension, the thoughts of everything that had gone wrong the first time around, trying to remember that they’re both different now. They’ll do better, now.

Still, it leaves Minseok feeling like he needs to be even more cautious with what he’ll say next. He thinks carefully, and asks Chanyeol in a soft voice, “Do I go back to your place tonight?”

It takes Chanyeol a moment before he says,  _ “What time will that be?” _

Minseok shifts back, trying not to feel too heavily as he answers, “I really want to say, before midnight?”

_ “Then it will probably be even past that,”  _ Chanyeol says, familiar with the routine now. Minseok swallows, feeling more than awful.  _ “Listen, Minnie. You shouldn’t go through the trouble, you should use whatever time you have to rest and get as much sleep as you can.” _

“I want to go see you, though,” he admits. 

Chanyeol hums, sighing again, silently cursing the circumstances.  _ “I really want to see you, too. But if you come here, we wouldn’t be able to sleep.” _

“Is that a promise?” Minseok says, highly intrigued. Chanyeol sputters.

_ “W-Wait, no, you need to rest, not, not get yourself even more tired.” _

“Why? What would we be doing that would make me tired?” Minseok asks slyly, and he hears Chanyeol stammer further.

_ “Stop! Stop,”  _ he whines, and Minseok can hear the blush from here. He smiles, wishing he can see it now.  _ “If you come, I’m implementing a strict cuddle-only policy for the night.” _

“Oh? That’s even better,” Minseok says, smiling. 

Chanyeol whines, and Minseok chuckles. Then, they go quiet again, and while it’s not awkward or strained, it still feels. Different, different from the ease they’d had when they had begun talking again. 

_ “I’ll let you get back to it, then,”  _ Chanyeol says, and Minseok doesn’t want him to go. But before he can even ask him to stay on the line, he’s saying  _ “Don’t strain yourself. Bye.” _

“Bye, baby,” he replies, and the line goes quiet. He puts down his phone, feeling strange, and he looks down, seeing Baekhyun staring up at him with a small pout on his face.

“You heard all that, then?” he asks. Baekhyun hums, turning slightly to poke at Minseok’s stomach.

“You two okay?” he asks.

Minseok takes a moment, before he replies, “I hope we are.”

He hums again, saying, “You should talk to him about it. Like,  _ really  _ talk about it.”

“I know I should,” Minseok says. He sighs, before he leans down, cuddling with Baekhyun, seeking some comfort. “It’s just. We’re just going to get busier,” he says. He sighs, closing his eyes, and before he knows it, there’s a warmth blanketing over them both, and he hears Jongdae hum, curling up around them. His chest eases somewhat, but he can’t help it his worry, “I knew it would be a risk, starting over again with him, even more so at a time like this.”

“You shouldn’t hide it from him,” Jongdae says. “He’s going through this too.”

Minseok feels his chest pound painfully. “I’m trying not to preempt anything, or. Just, you know, think too much about what happened to us before. I don’t want it to get in the way of how we are now, but it’s just, it’s  _ there.” _

“It’s okay to think about it, hyung,” Baekhyun says. “It’s just natural, because you have history. But try not to look back on it too much. Remember it, but just keep moving forward. And  _ talk about it.  _ It’s the best thing to do.”

Minseok stays quiet, and the two of them embrace him, giving him a sorely wanted comfort, right before they need to return to the grind.

.

It’s the day before Chanyeol’s birthday, and they’ve been here since  _ 9 in the morning.  _

Even though Chanyeol had stopped by for lunch, knowing they were flying out tomorrow to Vietnam the next day for the first round of awards ceremonies, and spent a  _ wonderful _ hour with them, eating so many things Minseok  _ shouldn’t  _ be eating, including a cake he had ordered and had begged Junmyeon to pick up, a small layered round sponge cleanly decorated with pristine buttercream lines and a cartoon of Chanyeol’s face and his studio’s sign, to which he had reacted with the most  _ beautiful  _ smile and several kisses all over Minseok’s face, Minseok still feels like it had not been enough at all. 

His wallet feels significantly lighter, with all the new studio equipment he had ordered as his gift, and certainly with the food truck he had sent, but. Mostly,  _ he  _ feels empty, knowing that more than anything, Chanyeol wants time together. And while the hour had been particularly perfect, Minseok wants to give him more, as much as he can, even with as tired as he is.

So. He comes up to Jongin, something he  _ never  _ does, swallowing his pride and saying, “Nini. I’m sorry to ask this, I know we only have today to practice before we leave, but, it’s Chanyeol’s birthday, and-”

“You want to ring it in with him?” Jongin says, patting his face with a towel even though there’s not one drop of sweat on his body. A perpetual mystery; Minseok is soaked through within half an hour, while Jongin can keep going the whole day and still think he can go for longer.

“Yeah,” he says, and Jongin smiles. There’s a hint of a tease, but it’s nothing too much. “I know we still have my solo, but if we can get it done in the next two hours-”

“It’s a really complicated number, hyung,” he says. “We’ll have to work really hard. Are you up for it?”

Minseok swallows. “It’s the first birthday, since he and I started dating again. I really want to make it at least for tonight.”

At this, Jongin nods, showing his understanding, and he says, “Okay. It’ll be tiring, prepare yourself, hyung.”

And Jongin was  _ underselling  _ it. Hilariously so. But, as promised, he lets Minseok leave after two hours, and Minseok is only slightly sure that he’d learned anything in that time, hoping the video Junmyeon had taken for his monitoring will be enough for his refresher.

But, it doesn’t matter. Because even though he’s exhausted, about to fall on his feet and with all his muscles aching with the promise of being intensely sore tomorrow, when Chanyeol opens the door after he knocks, his face is shocked, his eyes wide, but it’s instantly bright, nothing less than  _ beautiful,  _ and it’s immediately worth it. 

“But,” Chanyeol says, staring at him, unable to hide how pleased he is, “I thought, they said your rehearsals would take the whole day.”

“I couldn’t miss your birthday,” he says, “I made it just in time, it’s almost midnight. Wanted to be with you to blow out your candles.”

“But we already did, this afternoon,” Chanyeol says, but Minseok brings out a small box. Inside, is, well. “Is that a hamburger?”

“All the bakeries were closed on my way here,” Minseok replies, blushing. Chanyeol stares, but he’s smirking soon enough, trying to refrain from laughing too openly. “But I do have a real candle. Just. At least for us, this will do, right?”

Chanyeol’s gaze then becomes soft, and he brings Minseok in properly into his apartment, closing the door before he leans in, pressing his lips against Minseok’s in a kiss that instantly melts Minseok. 

“You didn’t need to,” he says, smiling. “But. I do love burgers.”

“I know you do,” Minseok says, and it’s not long before they’re in Chanyeol’s living room, lights off as the thin candles burn on top of the burger bun, and as November 27 chimes in, Minseok sings for him, and Chanyeol closes his eyes, clasping his hands together as he makes a wish.

He blows the candles, eyes a little glassy as he opens them. He looks over to Minseok, smiles, his dimples deep, and Minseok can’t help but lean in, kissing the crevice lovingly.

“Thank you,” Chanyeol says. “I know you’re tired. You really could have gone home to get some real sleep.”

“I didn’t want to miss this birthday,” he says. “I just. I know I have a lot to make up for.”

Chanyeol looks at him a little sadly, and Minseok feels bad for having missed so much. But he leans in, resting his head on his shoulder, hoping this will tide them both over for now. 

“I love you,” Chanyeol murmurs. Minseok stills for a moment, before he tilts his head up to look at him. And, truthfully, it’s not like he hadn’t been aware of what Chanyeol felt. He had been so  _ open,  _ right from the beginning, and he’d admitted it when Minseok had asked him those months ago.

But still. It’s  _ different,  _ because. Chanyeol had been in love with the Minseok he had known since they were children, and the Minseok now is. Is not that baby anymore; he’d had to grow a thicker skin, a sturdier heart, because of all the training, because of what the job is, because of his position and responsibilities. He knows he’s just so  _ different.  _ He knows he’s not the same, and Chanyeol, despite it all. Loves this version of him, too.

He didn’t think it would be possible. Minseok knows he’s not easy, everything he is, it wouldn’t be easy for anyone. But, Chanyeol, despite it all, is here.

Minseok leans up, kisses him, and Chanyeol responds in kind, cupping his face and tilting his head back so he can dip his tongue into Minseok’s mouth, licking in gently and carefully as Mineok hums against his lips, feeling his chest soothe. 

Chanyeol kisses deeper, and Minseok feels his head cloud over pleasantly as he’s kissed, Chanyeol’s mouth wet and hot, lulling Minseok in easily as he kisses back, and he’s easily guided to sit on Chanyeol’s lap, barely taking a pause to kiss him again.

Minseok moves his ass down on his crotch, and Chanyeol whimpers softly, his hands coming up to grip Minseok’s waist. Minseok hums, moaning as Chanyeol trails his lips down his jaw, down his throat, and Minseok clutches his shoulders, nails biting down gently as Chanyeol plants his lips all over his skin.

Minseok finds himself being lifted, and he goes easily, tucking his face into Chanyeol’s neck as he stands up from the sofa, carrying Minseok with him and leaving the birthday burger on the coffee table, and making the trek to his bedroom. Usually, Minseok isn’t one to particularly like being lifted and carried because  _ he has legs and will use them, thanks,  _ but Chanyeol is so warm, his voice low and deep and comforting as his embrace, and Minseok finds himself relaxing, melting into his hold and humming as he’s carefully brought down to Chanyeol’s bed, the duvet and cloudlike mattress not making it any easier to stay alert.

“Can I touch you, Minnie?” Chanyeol murmurs, and Minseok nods, moaning his consent, telling him sleepily, “Yes, please. Do whatever you want,” but he’s being lulled into the comfort of his surroundings, fighting to keep his eyes open, staying present. He shivers, waking a bit when Chanyeol lifts up his shirt slightly and skimming his fingers over his skin, his lips following them after, trailing them down and Minseok sighs as he goes, his hands slack in Chanyeol’s hair.

He hears his pants being unzipped, and Minseok goes easily as Chanyeol lifts his hips up slightly to get his pants down, off his body, his cock meeting the warm air of the room. And he’s not quite hard, really quite a long way from it, but it doesn’t matter, because Chanyeol’s mouth is warm, wet around him, and Minseok gasps softly, arching his back into it more. 

“Oh,  _ oh,”  _ Minseok breathes, a soft glow easing his body gently into a softness that makes his breaths longer, gentler, and it feels  _ good.  _ Feels good as Chanyeol sucks him off, his tongue licking and curling around Minseok’s length, and the heat builds up, though slowly, slowly, and Minseok is mostly hard by the time Chanyeol pops off, his dick covered with his saliva and standing stiffly in Chanyeol’s large hand. 

“You’re so pretty,” Chanyeol says. He takes a moment to just look at him, and Minseok is sleepy enough to not feel so embarrassed about having his lower body exposed, leaning in the softness of the pillows as he hums. Then, he gasps as suddenly, there’s something soft,  _ wet  _ and  _ warm  _ tracing his rim, and he moans,  _ “Oh,  _ Chanyeol,  _ fuck, fuck me-” _

Chanyeol responds by pushing the tip of his tongue into his ass slightly, prodding into him, and Minseok cries softly, but the room is otherwise quiet, and it’s very heard. He licks into his ass with gentle pushes of his tongue, swiping up to to reach his balls, and Minseok would be  _ burning  _ with how flustered he would usually be with having his ass eaten out, something that not many people have done for him (really, it was only ever Chanyeol), but right now. It feels  _ good,  _ incredible, but. Distant, as if it weren’t happening to his body, as he sinks more into the bed, moaning softly even as a finger is being pushed into him, slicked up with spit as Chanyeol curls his tongue further into him.

Minseok moans, more, more as he’s prepped for Chanyeol’s cock, and there is this pang of guilt building up in his chest, his belly, knowing he should try to keep himself more alert, try to stay present for Chanyeol, because  _ he  _ is the one who initiated this, and he really,  _ really  _ wants to have sex, especially after Chanyeol’s sweet words, but. His body is overtaking him, the exhaustion of the past days having built up, and compounding now that he’s in a soft bed, his body touched in tender, but heated motions, Chanyeol’s mouth so  _ soft,  _ familiar on his skin.

He barely even reacts as Chanyeol pushes his cock into his ass, big and thick as it breaches his hole, sinking into his body, and Minseok moans, the noise soft as he’s fucked into, and somehow,  _ somehow,  _ he gets even sleepier, the covers pillowing his body as he’s fucked into them lulling him into sleep even more. 

He doesn’t know what happens, his head blank then, but barely moments later, the pressure in his ass is gone, and he hears a soft, but unmistakably, disappointed sigh. He forces himself to wake then, and he sees Chanyeol laying next to him, a soft, but sad expression on his face as he leans up on his elbow as he looks down at him.

Minseok’s chest sinks. “I fell asleep, didn’t I?”

Chanyeol’s smile is wry, still sad. “It couldn’t be helped. You’re exhausted, baby.”

Minseok feels himself fill with shame, embarrassment, and even a little guilt. He can’t believe he’d let the exhaustion take over him, even with a cock in his ass,  _ and  _ on Chanyeol’s  _ birthday.  _ “I’m so, so sorry, Chanyeol.”

“It’s okay,” he says, and he smiles sadly. Minseok can see how patient he’s being, so understanding, but he can tell. Chanyeol’s face is open, transparent in showing the little sadness he’s feeling. “Didn’t know my dick could put people to sleep-”

Minseok buries his face in his chest, feeling himself burn up with how bad he feels. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I did this, and on your birthday. I’m so sorry, baby.”

“It’s okay, Minnie,” Chanyeol says, and he’s kissing his forehead. Minseok feels his sincerity despite his disappointment, and he’s smiling tenderly for him, “I’m very much okay with cuddles.”

Minseok pouts, and Chanyeol chuckles, wrapping him up in his arms and holding him tightly against his body, and despite the guilt he feels, Minseok is overwhelmed by Chanyeol’s warmth, unselfishly given to him, and before long, he’s falling asleep again, surrounded by affection and softness.

.

After the embarrassment of falling asleep during sex, Minseok does what he can to make it up to Chanyeol. Making it to as many dates as he can which is. Really, not very many, but he does his best, pushing himself even when he’s dead tired just so that he can see Chanyeol’s face light up when he sees him, only for them to fall asleep together because Minseok doesn’t have energy for anything else. And, it just leaves him feeling even more guilty, a cycle that doesn’t seem to end, and it’s beginning to wear down on him. Wear down on them. 

But. Today is a miracle. After winning 2 grand awards, amongst others, in Vietnam, a Song of the Year and Album of the Year under their belt, they’d been rewarded with just a half-day of practices. Meaning,  _ he’s going to make it to date night.  _ And with a good amount of rest, too.

He has a spring in his step, smiling even through the medley of  _ five  _ of their title tracks they plan to perform near the end of their shows, because Chanyeol had sounded so  _ happy  _ when he’d told him over the phone and Minseok had been so happy, himself, and he has  _ plenty  _ of ideas for tonight. 

“No!  _ No more,”  _ Baekhyun growls at Jongin, hooking his thumbs into his waistband and making to strip to assert his cause, before Sehun and Jongdae come in and grab him before he can do anything else. 

“Just one more number, hyung,” Jongin says, though his eyes are smiling, as if he were having fun. But,  _ five  _ songs. “Then a run-through of everything we have so far, and then we can let you all go for the day.”

“A  _ run-through?”  _ Sehun is the one who starts advancing at Jongin, who just laughs. “Take that back,  _ now-” _

“Minseok, a word,” Junmyeon is saying amidst it all, and he follows him to just outside the practice room as Baekhyun and Sehun gather around Jongin, who just laughs in their faces. “I know it’s last minute, but Zhoumi wants a word after your practice.”

Minseok’s eyes widen, “But, you  _ know  _ I promised Chanyeol-”

“It will be quick, he promised,” Junmyeon says, though his face shows his apology. “It’s about. About next year’s plans.”

Minseok swallows. “Then Baek and Dae should be there too-”

“He said just you, first,” Junmyeon says, and Minseok sighs, not liking the idea of going to a meeting without Baekhyun and Jongdae, but he says, “Fine. But he better mean it if he says it won’t take long.”

But he doesn’t, with good reason.

“Solo?” Minseok swallows heavily. He feels frozen in his seat, and Zhoumi watches him across the small table, waiting for him to reply. But, Minseok doesn’t know what to say. “But, the tour, and repackage-”

“Those will come in due time,” he tells him, and he smiles steadily, telling him, “But many of the board, the A&R team, the staff. And, personally, even Yubin and I are wondering why you haven’t considered releasing something. Even just a solo digital release.”

Minseok swallows again, Feels as if his throat had gone very dry. “It’s just. Baek and Dae are better singers-”

“And you aren’t?” he asks him patiently. 

“I’m just,” Minseok starts, before closing his mouth again, unsure of what to say. “They deserve it more.”

“You can’t be suggesting that you don’t deserve it, then?”

“I don’t know,” he says, exhaling, his head very muddled. It feels,  _ wrong,  _ almost. Because he’s supposed to be leading them, helping them get their chances for this kind of opportunity. He’s  _ never  _ thought of a solo seriously. “A lot is happening now. I don’t know about the timing.”

“I understand,” Zhoumi says, his smile not faltering. “But you underestimate yourself.”

He always does. He knows it. “Would people even listen to me?”

“They do all the time,” he replies, and Minseok shakes his head.

“No, not. Not as leader,” he says, “I mean, as an artist? As a singer?”

“I know what you meant,” Zhoumi tells him, not faltering. He looks on, says, “You know, Xiumin as an artist, you would have  _ just as much  _ merit. But I understand you may be preoccupied with many things now. Take your time to think about it, speak with your members if you wish. But I’m sure they would encourage you as well.”

Minseok feels his chest pound, his mouth go very dry. His head is  _ so  _ full. But, he nods, saying, “Okay.”

It stays in his mind, the whole time he drives over to Chanyeol’s apartment complex, even as he waits for Chanyeol to open the door for him. 

It takes a few moments before Chanyeol comes to greet him, and when he does, Minseok can instantly see that something is on his mind. 

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Minseok says, coming in and waiting until the door is closed to lean up to kiss him. Chanyeol leans in to press their lips together, but. He’s quiet, and the kiss is too short, fleeting as he walks away immediately and back to the kitchen. He doesn’t seem angry, but. With Chanyeol, it’s almost worse if he holds in his disappointment. “I, I had a last-minute meeting with Zhoumi.”

“Hmm,” Chanyeol hums. He doesn’t look back as he goes to his small kitchen to reheat the meal he had made, maybe even hours earlier. Minseok winces to himself, knowing he should have called to say he would be later than promised, but. With the proposal Zhoumi had presented him with, too many things had slipped his mind. “What about?”

Minseok watches him, unsure of what to make of the situation, how to respond, but he says quietly, “Just. Just some scheduling concerns, for the tour, and a repackage for this album. And, um, a. A potential solo album, for me.”

Minseok truly doesn’t know what to expect on what his reaction will be. He doesn’t know if he’ll be excited for him, if he’ll try to convince him to do it, or. Or if he’ll react at all, really.

But, he doesn’t expect for Chanyeol to put down the wooden platter he had been holding on to the counter, not hard, but certainly loud enough for Minseok to jump a little. “So you’re just going to get busier.”

He says it with a coldness Minseok is unfamiliar with, coming from him, the slightest tinge of anger coloring his disappointment, and Minseok stares at him, unsure of how he should go about this.

“I didn’t say yes,” he says, trying to keep his tone gentle, because he understands that he had been late, and he keeps missing on their time together. He knew Chanyeol’s patience would reach a tipping point sooner or later, and he while he hadn’t quite been prepared for it, he knew to expect it. But  _ this,  _ Minseok doesn’t know what to do. 

He knows he’s done a lot of wrong, but a lot of it was also out of his control. And, he didn’t want Chanyeol to act like this, when he wants even just a bit of support from him. He’s confused, and sad, and he doesn’t know how to move forward.

“Not yet, at least,” Chanyeol says, and he sounds so mean-spirited in a way Minseok doesn’t associate with him, and he feels a little heartbroken, hearing him.

“Chanyeol, what is it?” Minseok says, trying to come closer, step by step, thankful that Chanyeol isn’t backing away even though he’s clearly not in a good mood. “Please? Can you talk to me? What is it, what’s wrong?”

Chanyeol breathes slowly, his hand flinching away from Minseok’s as he tries to reach out. Minseok retracts his hand, and it stings more than he thought it would.

“I don’t want to upset you,” he says, clearly trying to reel himself in, looking like he’s at war with himself, but. Minseok won’t know what to fix if he doesn’t know what’s in his head.

“I want you to be honest with me, please,” he says. “I don’t know what you’re thinking. I just, how else will I be able to know what to do?”

Chanyeol breathes deeply, sharply at that. Minseok watches him swallow heavily, before he says in a short tone, “Minseok. You’re over two hours late.”

“I know, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he says, “I know. I promised and I’m still late on the one day I said I’d make it, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not just that,” he says, and it seems like he’s unable to stop now, like floodgates opening. “You’re  _ always  _ late, and you’re always tired and I get it, I know, and I’m not taking it to heart. But I just want  _ some  _ time with you, where you’re not about to fall asleep, when you’re not overwhelmed with everything about the group.”

“I know,” Minseok says, conceding easily. Because Chanyeol isn’t  _ wrong.  _ He knows he has his shortcomings. But, he’s making the time, isn’t he? He just. He can’t help his schedule, his job. But he concedes, because he understands it’s hard for him. “I know. I don’t have an excuse. I promise, I’m trying.”

Chanyeol breathes slowly, and his eyebrows are furrowed, his mouth set in a hard line as he says, “I thought after the comeback, after releasing the album and promoting it, I thought that even just for a bit, you would have time. That you would be free and we could do this properly.”

Minseok watches him, tries to be as patient as he can, “Chanyeol. It, my job? It doesn’t work that way. I work  _ all the time;  _ it’s not a thing where I work hard for a month or two and then I have the rest of the year off.”

“I know, but I didn’t expect that that the only time you’d have for anything other than work would be for sleep, if any at that,” Chanyeol says, sighing dejectedly. “I just want you, Minseok. I didn’t sign up to date Xiumin.”

Minseok feels his heart fall, because even though he had hoped Chanyeol wouldn’t bring it up, even though he knew it would be hard, Chanyeol is saying the exact words he hoped he wouldn’t say. “I was afraid you’d say that,” he says, feeling his chest ache, but he fights to not let his tone falter. 

Chanyeol looks at him,  _ glares  _ really, and he says, “What do you mean by that? Say  _ what?” _

“I was afraid you’d bring up Xiumin, as if he were a whole other person,” he says. “Like I’m not him, like you’re not dating me.  _ I’m  _ Xiumin, it’s not any different, it’s still  _ me.” _

“What do you mean, it’s not different?” he says, looking so  _ exasperated  _ and irritated, as if he were talking to a child. Minseok feels himself shake, either from anger or from the urge to cry from the frustration of being looked down on. “The Minseok I knew, he’s different from the idol. He made time, he would do his best to meet me in the middle, he’s not  _ Xiumin.  _ It’s like, it’s like we’re back to that time, when you kept missing things for us and choosing this road, it’s like you’re prioritizing everything else but  _ us.” _

And Minseok is quiet with how upset he is. With every word Chanyeol utters, he feels himself struggle to not butt in, to not interrupt him, to not just  _ say  _ everything that’s on his mind. “That’s not fair, Chanyeol. It’s not the same. I  _ am  _ prioritizing you. Us. I wouldn’t give this up.”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

Minseok feels like he’d been slapped. “How? Tell me, by all means.”

Chanyeol breathes hard, and he’s quiet for several moments, stewing, before he says, “It’s like how it was back then. The way you were pulling away because you were just  _ too  _ busy, and. I know I shouldn’t be bringing it up again because it’s  _ done,  _ we’re okay and I never want to make the mistake of hurting you again because of something you can’t control and I understand but. It just, it feels like you’re forgetting about me. I just want us to meet halfway.”

Chanyeol breathes in deeply, and Minseok tries to take in everything he had said. And it’s just  _ so similar  _ to what had broken them before, and Minseok  _ feels it,  _ the way it’s slipping from his fingers and he can’t go through this again/ He can’t. 

“I’m giving you  _ everything  _ I have,” he pleads quietly. 

“It doesn’t feel that way,” he replies. 

And Minseok  _ knows  _ that this is just the heat of the moment, that they’re getting too caught up in it, disappointment after disappointment and it was only natural that there would end up being some friction, some disagreement, but. As much as he knows that he needs to stop before they let it go out of control, he can’t leave it here. He needs to say it, even just this once.

“I was hopeful that this wouldn’t happen again,” he says, his hands clenching into fists. “I hoped we would be different now, holding on to the best parts of what made  _ us,  _ but letting go of things that held us back. I was so  _ hopeful  _ even though I was scared, and I thought we could do it this time because we know what not to do, but I guess that’s not how it is.”

Chanyeol stares at him, and Minseok wants to cry. Just wants him to understand.

“I, I know I’m being selfish, hoping you would understand all the time,” he says, “I know that. But, you have to know. I have a lot of people depending on me, and I did everything I can to meet you when I could; every minute I had to spare was  _ yours.  _ I know it hasn’t been perfect, but it was all  _ yours.  _ But all you saw was that I was leaving, even though I wasn’t.”

He breathes deeply, and though his chest feels lighter, having revealed these things he’d kept in his heart, he still feels like the earth is on his back, weighing him down, reminding him of his incompetencies. 

Chanyeol stares on, and his eyes are glassy, his expression sad. Minseok wants to cry, heavily, curl into him, never leave if that’s what it takes for him to believe him. 

“You said you loved me,” Minseok says, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Chanyeol’s face closes. “I do.”

And neither of them speak for several minutes, the air too heavy. Minseok curls in on himself, feeling tired, feeling like he’s crumbled. He doesn’t know what else to do, or say. He doesn’t know anything.

“I love you,” Chanyeol says quietly. Minseok feels his chest  _ ache.  _ “But, maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Yeah. Maybe we should take some time to cool our heads,” Minseok says, his head throbbing. “Talk another time-”

“No,” Chanyeol says. His voice is tight, cautious, verging towards something Minseok doesn’t know. “No, I mean. Coming to find you, working for you. Maybe there was a reason why it didn’t work out the first time.”

And Minseok. He hadn’t known he could be so  _ shattered  _ like this again. Somehow, it feels even  _ worse.  _ Like he almost can’t breathe.

He leaves, not looking back, knowing he would collapse if he did. Leaves, doesn’t think as he drives back to the dorm, doesn’t know how he’d even gotten back here. 

The lights are out, and he goes to his room quietly, climbing into the bed, not even having the strength to change out of his clothes before he gets under the blankets. He just feels completely unlike himself, things just so  _ fucked  _ he can’t even think. 

He’s nothing short of devastated. But, he can’t even show it. There’s just  _ so much to do. _

He tries to go to sleep, and his head is empty, but too full, all at the same time. He closes his eyes, hoping he just falls asleep, forgets everything that had just happened, forgets everything.

He doesn’t know if minutes, or hours, pass. But, eventually, he hears the door to his room open slowly. A few footsteps, then someone climbing in to curl their body behind him. And, by the soft scent, he knows it’s Baekhyun, who doesn’t say anything. Just stays with him silently, holding him, trying to offer him some comfort, much like he and Jongdae had, all those years ago, when he had found himself broken by the same person. 

Minseok keeps his eyes closed, but he feels battered, his chest barely holding itself together, and for the night, he gives up. Just hopes tomorrow comes quicker. 


	2. Chapter 2

He doesn’t even have time to be sad. The next day, it’s rehearsal for the next awards show. The day after that, it’s the awards show ceremony. The day after that it’s a fansign, and the day after that, is another rehearsal day for the tour, so on and so forth.

Minseok doesn’t even have time to  _ breathe.  _ But he supposes, he’s at least a little grateful for how full on everything he is.

Despite it being a major factor in why everything is falling apart again, at least he’s too tired by the end of the day to think about why he feels so empty inside. 

He works hard so no one notices. Of course, they all do.

Baekhyun, Jongdae and Junmyeon are the only ones brave enough to approach him about it, having been with him the last time, but they don’t so much as ask him as they just curl around him, holding him, reminding him they’re there for when he finally wants to talk about it.

They know well enough that it takes him a long, long,  _ long  _ while, before he thinks he can have enough courage to express his devastation. And he appreciates it, he really,  _ truly  _ does.

But now. The only person he wants to talk to is the one person he feels he  _ can’t  _ face. 

He feels so  _ stupid,  _ so foolish for thinking it could get any better for him. It had felt too good to be true, because it really was. 

Sehun is the only one who asks him directly, on break after another grueling run-through of the routine they have planned out for the ceremony, “What happened? Did you break up?”

Minseok feels himself ache all over. He knows it’s not from all the dancing. “I don’t know.”

He hums. “So you fought?”

“The last thing he said was. Was that it was a mistake,” he tells him. He feels like he’s swallowing rocks. “That we were, we’re. We-”

Sehun doesn’t make him continue, reaching up to pat the back of his head. Minseok feels himself close in on himself all over again, and he sits quietly, just. Tired of everything. 

“I hoped. I hoped  _ so much,”  _ he says. He feels like crying, but, like the last few days, he holds back, breathing slowly, feeling like he can’t fall apart. He  _ can’t.  _ He won’t let himself. “But, it was never going to work. He’s right. It didn’t work out the first time when I was just a trainee. What more now?”

Sehun hums. “You’re burning.”

Minseok feels his eyes prick, and he closes them immediately, not wanting to break down here. Not anywhere, really. “Maybe I am. It feels like it.”

Sehun just hums again. Minseok is almost afraid to hear what he’ll say. “It’s not just him, though.”

Minseok stays quiet, not understanding what he means, but also. He’s not surprised when Sehun tells him, “Minseok. As much as whatever he had said must have been  _ ass  _ and had probably poured like a gallon full of kerosene into all this. You’re letting it burn, too.”

He swallows. “How? He’s the one who said everything.”

“Like I know that,” Sehun says, and he’s teasing him, but it’s patient. “But did you  _ really  _ trust him, hmm? Did you  _ really  _ confide in him? Did you give him the time to get used to all of this?”

Minseok stays quiet, the words sinking in slowly, and he feels the singe, burning slowly, surely the end of his rope. His chest fills with shame. 

“You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“I am,” Sehun says simply as he stands back up. “I guess that’s why I’m saying all of this.”

He stalks off, most likely to bother Junmyeon, and Minseok sits, still, thinking and trying not to altogether. 

But, it’s what he’d needed to hear, despite the few barbed words Sehun had to make him hear. It’s the reality check he had needed. 

It doesn’t make things any easier to swallow.

Even as they’re doing the red carpet for the awards show, Minseok is otherwise silent, not quite smiling as they’re doing the photowall, and when he speaks for the interview, his answers are warm and thankful, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, the words feeling empty.

He watches the other performances politely, clapping for the winners as they’re announced, but it all feels so mechanical. His heart just isn’t in it, and it’s getting more and more difficult to keep his face passive despite how empty he feels. 

“Hyung?” Jongdae says quietly as they’re backstage preparing for their performance. His hand is gentle on Minseok’s elbow, his voice soft as he asks, “Are you feeling better?”

He never prods too hard, patient for whatever Minseok might say, or even if he’s not ready to say anything at all. 

Minseok smiles, and even if he doesn’t mean most of it, it’s okay. “Not really. But we have a show to do.”

Jongdae doesn’t look quite appeased, but he’s forced to let it go as they’re suddenly being herded by staff to get to position. 

It goes well. Minseok truthfully doesn’t remember most of it, if anything, the screams and fanchants are the most vivid memories, the driving force that had guided him to work harder and harder still, the overwhelming coral-orange presence in the sea of fanlights bolstering him enough, even if just for their three-song set list. 

It’s nearing the end of the night, and really, they already have a few wins under their belt already from earlier on, so Minseok feels he’s allowed to want to go home and want this all to be over with. Jongdae and Baekhyun sit on either side of him, Jongdae’s hand in his, and Baekhyun’s on his thigh, and usually, they’d be playing at shows like these. Singing along to the songs, playing with their water bottles and flipping them onto the table to see who’d get them to stand up, being little menaces. 

But, tonight, though they still sing to the songs, they’re mostly quiet. Staying there, for him, and Minseok loves them both  _ so much.  _ He feels like a burden, though he’s supposed to be the one leading them. 

Then. They win Song of the Year. 

Minseok doesn’t remember what had happened when they had gone up the stage to receive the award. He remembers handing it to Jongdae, and he leans into the microphone to speak. It feels automatic, yet sincere, as he thanks the company, their parents, each other, the fans. The producers of the album. The words come as they always do, and Minseok smiles at the end, hoping it’s enough for the cameras, hping he’s convincing enough. 

And, just as they’re returning from the stage to their seats after receiving the award, Artist of the Year is being announced. They clap for the winner, standing to bow to them as they pass by their seats to get to the stage. And then, Album of the Year.

Screams, cheers. Their name being uttered, again, a clip from their music video flashing on the massive screens onstage, and Minseok feels his chest go  _ tight,  _ even tighter than when they had won just minutes earlier.

He’s very thankful, truly, genuinely. But, his heart is just not as invested into everything as he knows he should be. 

They all speak, from youngest to oldest. When it’s his turn, he takes a moment to just look out into the crowd, a sea of many different colors, but standing up and above for them, the coral roses, blinking and twinkling without falter. 

He breathes, says, “We have come a very long way to get here. We have suffered, we have endured. And here we are, because you have given this to us.”

They cry, a surge of volume and waving of lights in the crowd. He feels battered, but he  _ will  _ thank everyone as they deserved to be. “I want to thank YZ Entertainment for giving us this second life, a better one. I want to thank our families. Thank you for your patience and love. I want to thank Baekhyun and Jongdae, for being better members than I deserve. Junmyeon, our brother. Jongin, who gave us our identity, and our dancers, who bolster us with their talent.”

He pauses, feeling his chest go tight, and he swallows before continuing, willing the sting in his eyes away, “I must thank our producers. Zhang Yixing, and Park Chanyeol. They gave us this new sound, this new beginning, with this album. They have breathed new life into a group that had thought that the best days are behind it, and lead us to this flower road that keeps growing, because of our Rosettes.”

More cries, and he swallows heavily. “Thank you, really, we humbly thank all of you. Thank you.”

He takes Baekhyun’s and Jongdae’s hands in either of his, and leads them into a bow, deep, and lengthy, stretching into minutes as the crowd gets louder and louder. 

The night is almost done. A final performance from industry legends to close out the night is well underway as they make it back to their seats, and they stand as the groups perform, one after the other, and Minseok finds that he can at least enjoy these songs genuinely, many of them bringing many happy memories to the fore. 

Then. 

_ “It’s you,”  _ a soft murmur fills the arena, and Minseok freezes. The audience cheers upon recognizing the song, and do the chants as well as Super Junior appears, and the soft, but powerful music of the song overtakes the stage, overwhelming but subtle.

Minseok can barely breathe as he watches on, unable to look away as the lyrics burn into his heart.  _ “Even when I’m born again, it’s still only you,”  _ the words achingly familiar, summers that have remained in his heart, blasting this song out of an old, beat-up hand-me-down car, bright eyes and brighter laughs, from the most beautiful boy. 

He hadn’t realized he had even been shaking, before Jongdae and Baekhyun each have an arm wrapped around him, keeping him up, and he didn’t know he was close to collapsing, either. 

He breathes in, holding in the tears, feeling lost. 

.

They have a blessed day away from rehearsals, in the form of a fansign event near a tonkatsu place Baekhyun won’t stop walking about, a chant of  _ “tonkatsu tonkatsu tonkatsu tonkatsu”  _ unfaltered all the way in the car ride from their dorm to the venue. 

Neither of them mention Minseok’s silent breakdown the night before, and he’s thankful. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to talk about it at all, even with the time that had passed since he and Chanyeol had last seen each other. 

Aside from a text from Chanyeol that had come the day after their fallout, simply reading,  _ ‘I hurt you again. I’m sorry,’  _ they had had no other contact. Minseok chose not to reply, because as much as he wanted to talk to Chanyeol, he needed the time to himself. To grieve, just a little, and as much as he hated it, the group needed him at his best. He needed to focus, could not afford to lose his footing, even if he was devastated. 

“Hiiiiiiii!” Baekhyun sets the tone for the day, grinning at the 200 fans who fill the small venue and waving at them with both of his arms, and they cheer right back, following his arms like a Zumba class. Jongdae follows, and Minseok smiles, preparing himself for the day, hoping he matches their mood, if not totally, at least enough to forget the ache in his chest. 

They do their greetings, and Minseok says some opening remarks, teased and lifted by the other two to distract him from his full head, and he gets into it enough that he jabs at Baekhyun’s side, who reacts by whining and tattling to the fans on the right side. 

Minseok smiles, laughs, and he thinks he can do this. Just for the next couple of hours, he can be their Xiumin.

It goes well, for the most part. He smiles, does all the fanservice, putting on the different headbands and cat ears and Marshal head accessories, doing all the aegyo, answering all the questions, holding all the hands, putting on all the hairclips for their fans. 

He really, truly has a good time, laughing at Baekhyun and Jongdae’s antics, seeing and hearing all their Rosettes’ words of love and hope for him, congratulating him on the new success, and  _ “Hoping he can stay happy for a long time.” _

He doesn’t know if his sullen behavior from the past few days had been obvious. He had done his best to not let it affect his work, or his demeanor, but he supposes, with their fans, they notice the things other people wouldn’t. He’d gotten many messages like this, hoping he can be happy, and he thanks them all with tender smiles, hoping he can take them to heart one day, and that they can come true for him, too. 

He’d been so happily preoccupied with a fan, a young mother and her  _ baby girl  _ who wanted to exchange cheek squishes with Minseok, that he didn’t notice the way Junmyeon had frozen behind their table, or the way Baekhyun and Jongdae have gone very still in their seats next to him, their eyes wide and expressions instantly worried, then blanking out only to emerge into grins again as they tend to the fans in front of them as best as they can. 

“Wah, thank you for coming,” Minseok laughs, his fingers pinching the baby’s cheeks gently as the baby pats his cheeks with her tiny little fists, giggling high and loud as he beams for her. “Grow up well!”

“She will because you are with us, thank you,” her mother says, smiling at him, lifting her daughter’s hand up in a wave as they’re moved along the line, and Minseok waves back, watching after them for a moment with a wide smile on his face, mood lifted considerably as he turns back to greet the last fan in line. 

He stills, his body freezing as he’s greeted with a bouquet of pink roses and white orchids, and he looks up, and.

His chest pounds, and his eyes sting painfully, feeling like he’s about to splinter and shatter all over again.

“Hi,” Chanyeol says quietly. His eyes look tired, wet, and his hair tucked under a cap and his smile small, but honest. 

Minseok doesn’t speak for a moment, but he’s spurred into signing the album set in front of him as Junmyeon gently, discretely prods his hand from behind. He stares down hard, focusing too much on making his signature as perfect as he can, and he clears his throat, feeling like his heart is lodged right up in there, as he asks to keep face, “What should I write?”

Chanyeol looks on, and he says softly, “Even after all this time. It’s still only you.”

Minseok closes his eyes, tries not to let his face pinch too much, but. He feels like collapsing, feels like sobbing, feels like breaking down and just  _ cry,  _ let himself feel his hurt and show it, just doesn’t want to feel this way anymore. He doesn’t want the hurt anymore. 

He writes it slowly, and it feels like time is stopping, feels like the seconds are stretching on and on, and. Despite it all, as he looks up to meet Chanyeol’s gaze. 

He still thinks he’s  _ beautiful.  _

Chanyeol meets his gaze, his eyes so full of sorrow but pure affection that Minseok can’t mistake for anything else, and he offers him the bouquet to him gently. 

Minseok breathes, breathes slowly, but. He takes it, bringing it close to his chest, taking in their beauty, and the apology offered in each petal. 

He lowers his eyes again, swallowing heavily as he takes in the battered state of his heart. He’s so  _ hurt.  _ But all he wants to do is curl into him, and never move away. 

“Please move along,” Junmyeon says gently, trying to keep the shift in mood discreet, needs to keep face in front of the fans, but he says it with an apologetic tone, knowing this isn’t easy. 

Minseok swallows, knowing Junmyeon is right. 

But, he’s tired. He doesn’t want to be the leader right now, doesn’t want to be an idol.

He just wants Chanyeol. 

“Come backstage after everyone leaves,” he says, less than a murmur, but he sees the way Chanyeol’s eyes go that little bit brighter, the small nod, almost imperceptible, before he moves on to Baekhyun.

Minseok’s chest pounds, his hands trembling under the table as he holds on to the bouquet. Beautiful, simple, and just looking at it, he feels like he’s being stabbed with the pain of those words all those years ago, of those last words they’d exchanged a few days ago. 

The elephant presses its foot harder, its enormous weight crushing his chest.

It’s another hour before the venue empties, the sacks and sacks of stuffed toys and flowers and other gifts taken off the table and packed away to be brought back to the company, and Minseok and the others are backstage in the dressing room. 

Baekhyun and Jongdae are watching a video, maybe Animal Crossing related by the sounds of it, but they mostly leave him alone, knowing he needs the time alone. He sits quietly, the flowers next to him, and he wrings his hands together, nervous, not knowing what to expect.

A knock, and Junmyeon’s head pops in, and he says, “Min, he’s here.”

“Okay,” he says, exhaling deeply as he stands up to bolster himself, prepare for whatever this might bring. Baekhyun and Jongdae stand up as well, talking about getting a snack before  _ “tonkatsuuuuu!”,  _ but Minseok knows it’s because they want to give them some space to talk. He feels Jongdae hug him from the side, and Baekhyun patting his butt encouragingly, and they leave the room, following Junmyeon out. 

Chanyeol comes in then, closing the door behind him. He looks warm, bundled up in a dark coat and Minseok can see all the built up regret and remorse on his face, his eyes rimmed red and his lips bitten raw. 

He waits, waits a long time, before Chanyeol looks up to meet his gaze. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. Sorrow, deep sadness lace his soft voice, and he doesn’t offer up an excuse for himself. “I’m sorry.”

And Minseok, he can’t hold it in anymore. His thread snaps. 

One tear falls, and then another, and another, until he’s sobbing, his whole face wet and his throat stinging with his cries, his chest  _ aching  _ as he lets go of everything he’d been trying to keep to himself. 

Chanyeol cries quietly, watching him break down, and Minseok can’t stop. He can’t, and even as he reaches up to wipe at his face, more tears just follow. 

“Did,” he tries, but he sobs again, breath hitched as he cries, “Did you mean what you said? That it was a mistake?”

“No,” Chanyeol says instantly, easily. The tears fall on his own face, and his shame is openly offered in his expression. “No, I promise. I didn’t mean it. It was worth it all, coming to find you. I shouldn’t have said any of it when it wasn’t true.”

Minseoksucks in a breath, having difficulty as he exhales because of the strength of his sobs. “It, it felt like you meant it,” he says, reliving the stab of the words in his mind, the way Chanyeol’s words had been so barbed, shattering his defenses.

“I didn’t,” Chanyeol tells him. His eyes are bright, and he comes a little closer, step by step, “I’m sorry for doing this to you again. I’m sorry that I hurt you so thoughtlessly. I promise. I promise, finding you was the  _ best  _ thing to have happened to me. You were  _ always  _ the most wonderful part of my life. I know I fucked up, I know. I’m sorry.”

Minseok can’t stop crying. All these days, weeks,  _ years  _ of holding in his emotions because he needed to, and it was all he could do to not break down. Torn down, with two words. 

“I, I know I’m hard to love,” he says, patting his chest as it aches with the words. He shakes his head when Chanyeol tries to refute him, but he needs to get through this. Needs to say it, for his peace, “I know that  _ I’m not easy.  _ Not with the way I am, or this job. With the secrecy I have to maintain the rest of my life. But. I’m trying. I’m trying my best to keep everyone afloat and give you everything I could. I thought, I really thought that I could depend on you, even just a little. I thought I could be comfortable with you.”

“You can,” Chanyeol says, his tone so tender.

“Then why did you push me away?” Minseok cries, sobs. He feels like he’s crumbled into nothing.

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol says, his voice soft, sounding just as pained as Minseok feels. Like his heart had been broken by their misunderstanding, as it had been to Minseok’s. “I know that I don’t deserve you. I’m sorry.”

Minseok can’t stop his tears. He cries, cries so much he feels the front of his shirt get soaked, the sleeves of his jacket wet and dark with all his tears, and he feels tattered and worn and his soul aches. His head hurts, but he can’t stop.

He cries, feeling cold. 

But, the elephant lifts its foot off his chest, just barely, but even that little bit of pressure off his heart, it’s enough for him to  _ breathe.  _ And, slowly, carefully, he takes each breath as they come to calm him, easing himself. 

He wipes his eyes, crying still but softer, and he looks up. Notices Chanyeol standing there, maybe two feet away from him, and he hadn’t even noticed that he had stopped coming forward to him. And, Minseok realizes, he’d stopped for him. Not knowing if it was okay for him to come closer, to comfort him, even if it looks as though Chanyeol needed the comfort for himself, as well. 

Minseok sniffs, and says, “Chanyeol.”

He looks at him then, eyes wet and rimmed red and his nose and cheeks flushed pink from crying, and he bites his lips, shifting a bit on his feet. Almost as if he were preparing himself to be scolded, or told to leave, and the sight of it makes Minseok ache.

Despite it all, there’s nothing he wants less.

A shuddering breath, and he says, slowly, “Yeollie. Baby, bobo, please.”

Chanyeol looks up, his eyes wide, like he can’t believe the words coming from his mouth. 

He doesn’t move for several minutes, and Minseok sniffs, feeling the ache crawl up his veins again. “Yeollie, bo-”

Chanyeol’s gathering him in his arms before he can finish, his hands achingly tender as they cradle Minseok’s face, tilting it up so Minseok’s eyes meet Chanyeol’s wet, tearful gaze, full of hope and apology and love, and he brings their lips together, their mouths meeting in a soft, emotional kiss.

Minseok whimpers, still crying, but he kisses back, letting Chanyeol press in deeper, parting his mouth as Chanyeol tenderly licks in, curling their tongues together and he holds on, pressing closer, and he finds himself sinking into his warmth, letting the gentle light blanket him.

He’d felt so cold. Didn’t even truly realize it, until Chanyeol is pulling him in, one arm wrapped around him, the other hand cupping his face, fingers gently skimming his cheek as he moves his mouth, parting for Minseok’s tongue and letting him in, and then, he’s warm, the heat from his hands and his lips calming his soul.

He’s still  _ so  _ hurt. Still feels like he might break down again, feels like it’s not enough.

But Chanyeol holds him, apologies whispered against his lips, and Minseok breathes. Moves forward.

.

He goes home with him, that night. 

He trembles as they go over to the bed, and his chest it tight, ballooned with every emotion he’d been holding in, and he trembles more as Chanyeol kisses all over his face, keeping him warm as Chanyeol gets them out of their clothes, until they’re naked and he’s blanketed by Chanyeol’s body.

He feels almost fragile, one kiss or one word of affection away from bursting into tears again, and Minseok can’t help but feel so exposed. Isn’t used to feeling this way, isn’t used to being so vulnerable. 

“Minnie?” Chanyeol’s voice is soft as he brushes back his hair from his face, his fingers gently moving the strands away from his eyes before he cups his face, his thumb padded gently on Minseok’s bottom lip. “Are you okay?”

Minseok feels like his heart is lodged up in his throat, and his chest is stinging with so much emotion, so much that he doesn’t know what to do with it. But, even with everything, he feels  _ safe,  _ feels he’s right where he’s supposed to be, here in Chanyeol’s arms and held carefully, with patience and respect and  _ love  _ that he can’t deny, so he answers in a quiet voice, “I’m okay.”

Chanyeol watches him for a moment, as if he were gaging how he feels, but Minseok trembles still. Brings his hands up to Chanyeol’s face, and brings his face back down to his, comforted only when their lips come together again, Chanyeol’s mouth warm and gentle and like home against him. 

Chanyeol understands, and he leans down more, kissing him more deeply, slipping his tongue into his mouth and Minseok tastes love, pure and a little clumsy but all for him, right on Chanyeol’s tongue, and he kisses him more, hoping he tastes just as comforting to him. 

“I love you,” Chanyeol tells him. His tone is soft, and he doesn’t trip over his words, meaning each of it. 

Minseok whimpers, and he lets the words sink into his skin. He hopes he can believe them, soon.

Minseok holds on to him, curling his arms around Chanyeol’s neck as he opens him up for his cock, and Minseok feels like every nerve is about to be lit up. With every slicked up finger Chanyeol pushes into him, it feels like he’s inching more and more into oversensitivity though they haven’t done much yet. 

Chanyeol kisses his ear, molding their bodies together and Minseok curls into him, feeling particularly vulnerable but also, very loved, especially as Chanyeol murmurs into his ear, “You’re doing so well, Minnie. You’re going to take me so well, you’re  _ beautiful.” _

Minseok sniffs, and he asks for kisses again, shyly, but Chanyeol gives it to him easily, pressing his lips onto his with little hesitation, accepting the gasp Minseok emits as three fingers push into his hole, stretching him open for him.

Soon, his breathing shortens, his cock hard as it rubs between their stomachs, and Minseok is gasping against Chanyeol’s chest, nails biting into his skin as he’s fingered open, and Minseok needs him. He needs him inside, needs to feel him, wants him  _ so much  _ he doesn’t have the words for it.

“Yeollie, baby, please,” he’s mumbling, moaning as Chanyeol leans down to kiss him again, twisting his fingers into him and patting them inside him, stretching him further. “Now-“

“Okay, baby,” Chanyeol promises, kissing him sweetly before he pulls out his fingers, taking a short moment to roll on a condom and slick himself up. Then, blissfully, he pushes Minseok’s legs further apart, spreading them for him. 

Minseok shivers, and he moans as the head of Chanyeol’s cock prods at his rim, and he feels it, every nerve ending on his body feeling like it had been lit up. He cries, feeling himself tremble and his hole clench around his length as he pushes into him, sinking more and more into his body, until he’s all the way in, and Minseok can barely breathe. 

He’s so  _ big,  _ so thick, and he somehow feels more sensitive tonight, the stretch tighter, the pleasure already almost too much to bear as Chanyeol bottoms out, his balls pressed right up against Minseok’s ass, and Minseok whimpers, his fingers and toes curling as he takes in the sensations, one at a time. 

“Oh,  _ oh,” _ Minseok breathes out, and he moans into Chanyeol’s mouth, “More, baby,  _ more.” _

Chanyeol exhales heavily, having waited for Minseok to adjust around him, and he follows his request suit. He lowers his mouth again to Minseok’s, both their lips already swollen and sensitive as early as now from all the kissing, but Minseok just kisses him deeper, slipping his tongue into his mouth and sighing into the kiss as Chanyeol begins to fuck him, steadily pounding his cock into his hole, plunging in deeply. 

He fucks with purpose, his pace slow but the impact of his thrusts knock the breath out of Minseok. His exhales come out in sharp punctuations, moaning as Chanyeol fucks into him, and Chanyeol is doing no better, grunting into the shared minimal space between their mouths as he drives into Minseok’s ass.

He’s so  _ big. _ Minseok had truly been without him for too long, and no one had ever really filled him, fit into him so well as Chanyeol did. The way Chanyeol had never left any room for anything else between them, always giving him  _ everything  _ and always knowing the way Minseok likes to be fucked. 

Chanyeol plows into his ass,  _ hard,  _ once and grinding his cock in and staying there, and Minseok trembles, had cried out as Chanyeol’s hips met his ass in a resounding smack, and he feels his cock spurt a small bit of precome onto his belly, and Chanyeol keeps going with his perfect pace. Slow, so slow Minseok cannot count the seconds between thrusts, always losing count, but he fucks with a  _ pounding  _ force, pushing into Minseok’s hole, spearing him and cramming his cock into his ass.

“Oh,  _ Minnie,”  _ Chanyeol exhales, driving his length in  _ hard,  _ and Minseok feels his ass shake from the force of it, and he’s already so overwhelmed, even when they’d barely even begun. “You’re so tight for me, squeezing around me so tight. Love your ass, I love you-”

Minseok feels his face flush a deep red, but he barely has enough time to be embarrassed, or more likely, silently pleased, about it. Because then, Chanyeol is reaching down and gripping his waist, his hands large enough that his thumbs are just inches away from each other, and he’s bringing Minseok’s body down to his thrusting cock, pushing his hips down so his ass is suddenly plowed into. 

He cries out, back arching into it as Chanyeol picks up his pace a little, hammering into his hole and pistoning into him, and Minseok’s moans are fucked out of him, his balls shaking and his cock bouncing against his belly, and he  _ takes it.  _ Takes Chanyeol’s driving cock and he  _ knows  _ his hips will be sore and he’ll have hell in the next practice session, but. He doesn’t scare,  _ cannot  _ care, when he feel so,  _ so good,  _ so taken care of, like every time Chanyeol rams into his body is a small gift, miracle between them, every motion treasured, every thrust and clench not to be wasted. 

He feels  _ so warm.  _ And, if just in this, he feels open, and lets himself be. Even if just here, he wants to be as open as Chanyeol has always been with him, wants him to see how good being fucked by him really makes him feel.

Then, Chanyeol says, voice punctured by grunts as he drills his cock into his body, yet his voice still so gentle, “Thank you, Minnie.”

Minseok blinks, moaning as Chanyeol rocks into him harder still. “What, what for?”

It takes Chanyeol a moment before he replies, his cheeks pink and his eyes slightly wet, so openly full of affection, “Thank you for trusting me. Even with just this, it means  _ everything  _ to me.”

And Minseok. He feels his chest go so  _ tight  _ with the way his heart swells, almost aching with how the words sink into him, and it spreads all over his body, making him feel so  _ warm  _ and like. How he should be the one saying this to Chanyeol, when he had been the one to show him so much patience and kindness and love, despite how difficult Minseok knows he is. 

How lucky Minseok is, that Chanyeol had chosen to love him, still. To come find him, and give him a beautiful opportunity to lean on someone, even if just a little. 

And Minseok can’t help it. He did not think that he would ever find himself here, so  _ fortunate  _ to be with the person who lifts him up despite any stumbles either of them make, and. He cries, the tears slipping and running down into his hair with no warning, the ache of it all wonderfully freeing. 

Of course,  _ of course,  _ he trusts Chanyeol. Was never wrong to do so. But he doesn’t know if Chanyeol is ready for everything. 

But he wants to do this with him. Wants to do this slowly, wants to take their time, wants to be with someone who chooses him, who comes to him, who is open with him and who does their best to acknowledge their mistakes and do better. 

Minseok knows he need to do the same, for Chanyeol. 

He wants to be ready for him. He’s scared. 

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in alarm as Minseok cries, and he leans down, pressing his lips to the corners of his eyes, his cheeks, wiping the wetness away as he goes. When he kisses Minseok, his lips are salty from the tears, and Minseok hiccups, pressing back harder as Chanyeol stills inside him. 

“Minnie, are you okay?” he leans in, whispering into Minseok’s ear and asking so tenderly it makes Minseok’s chest ache even more. “Was it what I said? I’m sorry-”

Minseok shakes his head, shaking slightly, but he wraps his legs around Chanyeol’s waist, pulling him closer as he brings his arms up around and over his shoulders, needing him as close as he can get him. 

And Chanyeol understands, even with how silent Minseok is, and he leans in, pressing his lips onto Minseok’s cheeks, lingering, letting him know he’s there, and he resumes his pace, thrusting into Minseok with a beautiful pace that leaves them both gasping. 

Minseok cries still. The tears don’t seem to stop, fucked out of him along with his gasps and moans, and Chanyeol moans with him, rolling his hips, pushing his cock into him. 

Minseok is overwhelmed on all fronts, his chest too tight and his ass pounded into and his hands shaking, his whole body trembling. Everything is  _ so much,  _ and it just makes him cry more. He tucks his face into Chanyeol’s neck, breathing him in as Chanyeol plows into him, and he stays there, closing his eyes and trying to calm himself.

He has little success, unable to quell the way his heart pounds, exacerbated by the way Chanyeol doesn’t pause, rocking into his ass and murmuring words, his voice silky and gentle but the words anything but. Minseok is shaking, his ass fucked into and Chanyeol doesn’t stop, bringing him down to his cock harder and harder still. 

“That’s it, Minnie,” Chanyeol hums into his ear, holding him closer still, and Minseok moans, his face still wet and getting wetter still as the tears don’t stop coming. “You’re doing so well, you were made to take cock. Made to take  _ my  _ cock, baby-“

Minseok whimpers, burying his face deeper still into Chanyeol’s neck, gasping into his skin as Chanyeol pounds his ass. 

He’s close. He knows it, the heat in his belly a telltale sign, and he moans louder despite his efforts to keep it low, and Chanyeol must be close as well, with the way his hips move faster, his cock pistoning into him with loud  _ ‘thwops’  _ that fill the room. 

Minseok’s hands clench, and his nails bite into the firm muscle of Chanyeol’s back as he’s fucked, his ass filled and slapped by his hips. 

Chanyeol’s cock feels so big inside, especially with the pace he goes at, and Minseok feels himself build up, more and more, his whole body hot with it. 

Then, Chanyeol leans back slightly, until their eyes meet. His eyes are so dark, but still with the bright fondness that he only ever offers to Minseok, and it leaves Minseok feeling like he’d ingested a warmth that disperses throughout his body. Then, Chanyeol is leaning in, pressing his lips to Minseok’s in a light flutter, gentle, the lightest brush that Minseok finds himself chasing after, wanting more. 

“Oh, you’re so deep,” Minseok breathes, and he trembles, taking Chanyeol’s hand in his, and pressing it upon the lower part of his belly. On the next thrust in, they both feel it: Chanyeol’s cock, plowing into his ass, reaching in deep enough they feel it poking out of Minseok’s hard-earned toned stomach. 

Chanyeol gasps; he takes Minseok’s hips, pulling him down to his cock, and comes, painting the condom from the inside with white as he stays rooted, deep inside Minseok’s ass. 

Minseok doesn’t last much more, either, pressing his hands on the outline of Chanyeol's cock embedded deep within his body, and he can’t help the way the heat snaps. He comes After he takes his cock in his hands, barely two twists if his hand around his length, gasping and moaning as he shoots ribbons of white between their bodies. 

He shakes, feeling sensitive everywhere, his heart especially tender, and when Chanyeol leans in to kiss him again, his touch sleepy but genuine, Minseok takes in the sadness, the uncertainty of their situation, unsure, but also. Secure in what he feels, in what Chanyeol feels for him, and it’s a massive relief despite everything that they’ve been through. 

He hopes he finds a balance, sooner rather than later.

. 

It’s maybe an hour later, after he can’t seem to fall asleep, that everything compounds on him again. 

This doesn’t fix much. Chanyeol’s apology means everything, but Minseok knows they have  _ so much  _ between them, so much good, and some bad. It’s not a lot, the good outweighing the bad, but it’s still something he can’t quite overlook, because. As little as the bad things were, it had still built up, and when things had snapped, it had broken, badly. 

So, despite himself, Minseok is  _ worried.  _

Chanyeol is the best thing in his life. A new beginning, a new chance, and Minseok is not willing to give him up, everything he truly holds dear, the most beautiful thing in his life. He’s not willing to give up this version of himself, more open, softer, treasured. 

But, Minseok cannot avoid his schedule. He cannot just forget his job, the profession he’d worked so hard for, had given up  _ everything  _ once to attain. He cannot forget his responsibilities, his position, really a whole part of himself, and he knows things will not suddenly be easier. 

It will still be hard. It will still be so difficult, and. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to cross those bridges. 

He curls his body in closer to Chanyeol’s, and takes in a moment. Just takes in his calm expression as he sleeps, the soft but angular slope of his nose, his pink cheeks that had not subsided after their fucking, and his lips, soft and kiss-tender and sore.

He’s  _ beautiful.  _ Truly,  _ truly,  _ the most beautiful thing in Minseok’s life. 

He breathes, slowly, slower, and.

He’s scared. So scared. He feels paralyzed with it, not knowing if he’s enough, if they will work it out, or if he’ll fuck it up again.

He slips out of the bed, bringing the topmost cover with him as he pads softly to the bathroom, overwhelmed and just wanting some room to think, to  _ breathe.  _ He doesn’t know why he’d come here, and not to the sofa in the living room, or even the kitchen island with the cookies and the milk in the fridge, but, he finds himself settling into the small bathtub after he closes the door silently, bringing his knees up as he wraps himself up in the blanket, taking in the quiet of the apartment. It feels even more quiet in here, the space small and dark, and he feels alone, and as much as he wants to sort through his jumbled up thoughts, he doesn’t know where to start. Doesn’t know what to do.

So. He sits. Quiet, taking in the silence, hoping it offers him something, if even just some peace. 

He sits there for a long, long while. Long enough that the seconds that turn into minutes, the minutes stretched on into an hour, and eventually, he just loses sense of time. 

He sits there long enough that the blankness becomes normal, and that after some time, sleeping even seems possible. 

But, even before he can really consider sleeping in a bathtub, the door opens. 

Chanyeol comes in, bare shoulders peeking from where he’d wrapped the duvet around his body, his hair disheveled, and he’s so,  _ so beautiful.  _

He looks at Minseok, and Minseok looks at him. After a second, he asks him, “Can I come in?”

He rubs his eyes sleepily, but he doesn’t look away from Minseok. He’s so achingly endearing, and Minseok can’t refuse him. He moves slightly, making space in the small tub next to him, and Chanyeol shuffles closer, until he clambers over the edge of the tub awkwardly, trying not to trip on the sheets. Minseok holds his hands, and Chanyeol manages to make it in safely, the tub so small that they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder, tightly squeezed in together, naked on the cold surface of the bathtub aside from the tangle of sheets they’d gotten from the bed strewed around them.

Then, it’s quiet again. But as Minseok sits, Chanyeol takes his hand in his, and he slots their fingers together, their palms warm against each other, and Minseok finds himself finally calming down properly. His head begins to clear, slowly, and while there’s still a lot they need to unpack between the two of them, at least now, he feels a little more ready to talk.

Chanyeol starts, as he always does. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Minseok shakes his head. “Had a lot on my mind.”

Chanyeol hums. He leans in, and even though he’s a good head taller than Minseok, he curls into him, laying his head on shoulder, sneaking in a small kiss to his neck as he goes. Minseok smiles, leaning his head on his, bringing up the sheets around them so they’re a little more comfortable.

“Would you mind telling me?” Chanyeol asks him quietly, patiently. “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

Minseok wants to. He really, truly does. He just doesn’t know if it’s the right time.

But, he knows the right time might just slip by, without him noticing. So, he doesn’t wait, and he just starts, “I’m just going to get busier.”

Chanyeol hums again, if a little quieter, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t let go of Minseok’s hands. It gives Minseok that little push, goes on, “I’m worried. I’m scared that we haven’t talked about it enough, that I haven’t prepared you enough for the kind of life I have to lead. It makes me sad, because I know, and you have to know, that we will always have to hide. And you don’t deserve to be hidden, but I have to find a happy medium and trying to meet everyone halfway, especially you. But, I understand that it’s hard.”

He pauses for a moment, and Chanyeol stays quiet still, looking back at him. And Minseok realizes, Chanyeol  _ knows  _ that there’s more in his head, more he wants to say, and for that alone, Minseok feels like he can add quietly, ”I’m trying. I promise I’m trying. But my hours are limited and I’m  _ scared  _ that things will just repeat themselves even though we’re already talked about this, and I’m  _ tired.  _ These past few days, I have never felt so lost. And it’s like my chest is tattered and so exhausted. I, I hope I’m making sense.”

Chanyeol doesn’t even pause, saying, “Of course you do.”

He says it with so much conviction, and he doesn’t let go. 

Minseok breathes, breathes again. 

“Tell me. Anything that’s troubling you, or. Even the small stuff. Anything that’s on your mind,” Chanyeol says, encouraging him quietly. And, Minseok doesn’t hesitate, this time, and he speaks. 

He talks for so long, says so much, that his mouth dries. He doesn’t know how long he keeps going, but he doesn’t stop, and he says everything. Until the elephant’s foot is off his chest and his head is clear, until it feels like he can really breathe. 

When he stops, he lets out a large exhale. And, he smiles, not able to help himself. 

It’s incredibly freeing. 

“I’m proud of you,” Chanyeol says. His smile is so lovely, warm and kind, and Minseok treasures him so much. “Thank you for telling me all that.”

“Thank you for being patient enough to listen,” he replies, and he pauses. 

Minseok realizes quietly how Chanyeol had listened to him, listened and took in his words and let him say everything he needed to say, and Minseok said  _ shit.  _ He’d told him all his fears and worries and every burden, every small and big thing Minseok had taken in quietly over the years, and Chanyeol had shared it with him. Given him an opportunity to not carry the burden by himself. 

His eyes prick, and he swallows. He takes Chanyeol’s hand, kisses his palm. Asks him, “What about you?”

Chanyeol blinks, before he understands. He blushes, saying, “No, it’s okay-“

“I want to share your worries too,” he says. He holds his hand tighter. “It doesn’t have to be all at once. I just, we’re in this together, right?”

Chanyeol looks at him. He sits up again, and Minseok blinks as Chanyeol kisses him gently, and somehow, it leaves him feeling apprehensive. 

“Is it  _ that  _ bad?” Minseok tries to joke, but Chanyeol shakes his head wildly, eyes wide. 

“No! No,” he says, frowning at himself. “No. I just. I’ve been waiting a long time.”

Minseok’s chest aches, and he waits for him to speak again, “I would have waited as long as you were ready. And that’s okay. I got a little impatient and I’m sorry. I just, it was hard. I don’t blame you, and the schedule is hard and I want you to do so well, but. It was lonely and really hard, doing it on my own for a while.”

He looks down sadly, as if he were ashamed at what he’s saying, looking like a kicked puppy. Minseok feels guilty, but Chanyeol is shaking his head, saying, “I worry about our future together, too. I think about it a lot and I want us to work. I want  _ us,  _ I've always wanted you. And I’m willing to work on it, if you are too?”

He looks at him apprehensively, and Minseok’s chest expands, feeling so tight and aching that he can’t stand to delay his answer, “Yes. Of course I am.”

Chanyeol exhales shakily, “Then. Please. Let’s talk? Please listen to me too, please trust me. It doesn’t have to be all at once. I just. I know our past has heavily affected us both, and we can’t ignore it totally. And I know I haven’t proven myself to you, but please. Please don’t assume the worst, please don’t think I’ll do the same things as before. It’s. It’s upsetting, because. Because I want to prove to you that we are good, we are  _ beautiful,  _ but I need the chance to show you that.”

His words come out soft, a little stilted as he tries to choose his words carefully so he’s not misunderstood, and Minseok listens.  _ Really  _ listens, and he understands as best as he can. 

He knows Chanyeol has worked hard, just like he has, to move forward. While Minseok had worked to move away from their past, Chanyeol had moved forward towards their future. 

He kisses him, pressing his lips gently against Chanyeol’s, letting him hum and press deeper. Minseok breathes him in, and this is them, meeting in the middle. 

.

They go slow. Very slow. 

Minseok’s schedule doesn’t change. Chanyeol doesn’t just magically get overly patient overnight. But, they work on it, doing this at a pace that they know is good for them now, and it gets better. Minseok smiles more, and Chanyeol laughs even brighter, even more so than when they were younger. 

Today, Minseok gets out of work a little after 9, early by their standards, and while it had been exhausting, at least it was a VCR shoot for the concert instead of practice. 

“Chanyeol going to pick you up?” Junmyeon asks him as Minseok is herding the other two into the car. Not very difficult, as they’re so tired they’re basically like sleepy little lambs, crashing on top of each other in the backseat, not even awake enough to playfight with him over the passenger’s seat in front. 

“He has work, he’s in the studio with Yubin for her comeback,” Minseok says tiredly, before he realizes what he’d let slip out. “Pretend I didn’t say that, that shit’s top secret.”

“Noted,” Junmyeon says, smiling cheerfully despite the late hour. 

Minseok sighs, shuffling his way to the front seat and Junmyeon starts the engine, and they drive off back to the dormitory.

Minseok plans on sleeping, just a small nap so he feels a little more awake later on to call Chanyeol after he’s done with work, when his phone goes off. He turns it on to see the notification, just to see it’s Chanyeol, having sent him a selfie in the studio.

He’s wearing a mask, but Minseok can see the grin in his eyes, his hair especially fluffy tonight, and on his lap. A little back poodle, eyes shiny and marblelike beneath all the fluff and curl of its black hide. 

Minseok feels himself a glow radiate from his chest, and he’s not tired anymore. 

“Myeon,” he says, “I know it’s late. But, can you drop me off at the studio?”

“Hmm,” Junmyeon hums, smiling, as if he’d known that Minseok would eventually decide to go see Chanyeol. “Do I pick you up after?”

“It’s okay, I’ll find my way back,” he says, but really, it’s more of,  _ “I’m staying the night over at Chanyeol’s,”  _ because though they don’t have many days together, Minseok had been finding himself coming over more often than not, and the nights are theirs. 

He gets dropped off at a studio the company owns, thanking Junmyeon and telling him, “Good luck with those two,” he says, and Junmyeon sighs, and Minseok can tell he’s already worried about how he’ll get them to the elevator without hurting themselves. 

He goes down the stairs to get to the main entrance, and the lounge is empty when he opens the door, greeting the few staff there. 

Yubin is in the thick of things, recording inside the booth and repeating the lines on Chanyeol’s instruction. Minseok steps in behind inside soundlessly, nobody privy to his presence just yet, and he takes advantage of it, watching as Chanyeol, sitting behind the table and heading a few other producers from the company, say to their company director, “That was great, but let’s try to keep the flow of words smoother? Less harsh, more like,” he sings gently, demonstrating how he wants it to sound.

And Minseok had always been on the other side of the instructions, so it’s only now that he truly gets to observe how Chanyeol works, so so  _ serious  _ about the music, the sound, and he’s so intelligent about it, knowing just what instruments and percussions to use to make the sound lift, knowing how to bring out the best of his vocalists, encouraging and precise with his advice, and. 

He’s so  _ sexy,  _ and Minseok feels his cheeks heat up with the thought.

He comes up behind his chair, and he bends down, bringing his arms up around Chanyeol’s chest. Chanyeol jumps in his seat, almost falling over and making a shocked noise, but Minseok kisses his cheek, and he relaxes almost instantly, even spinning his chair around to bring Minseok down to his lap and hug him properly.

“Hi, baby,” Minseok greets him, and Chanyeol makes a content sound from deep within his chest, holding him tighter. “Sorry, boss.”

“No, go ahead, you must have had a long day,” she says, smiling at them, and she gives them a minute, asking the other producers to replay the take she’d just done for monitoring.

“Hi,” Chanyeol says, grinning so widely and his ears are red with his joy. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Just wanted to see you,” Minseok says. He smiles, pulls down Chanyeol’s mask just enough to kiss him lightly, and Chanyeol hums happily. “But I wanted to see your Tobennie more.”

“Ah,  _ of course,”  _ Chanyeol bemoans, “Always losing out to the dog, never even had a chance.”

Minseok chuckles, gets off his lap with a small blush for being so affectionate in front of other people, despite them all being trusted. “I’ll go wait outside? Let’s have a late snack?”

Chanyeol beams, nodding. “I needed to walk him for a bit, too.”

So, Minseok waves to Yubin, and waits out in the lounge, where he sees a portable fence had been set up for the small black dog. He doesn’t know how, or why, but when Chanyeol comes out of the studio around an hour later, it’s to Minseok having climbed inside to sit on the floor, letting Toben climb up on his lap and play with him, rather than bringing him out of the cage and letting him roam around the studio.

Chanyeol blinks at them, but he’s grinning eventually, taking out his phone for personal documentation. 

“My two cuties,” Chanyeol says, smiling dopily as he looks down at the pictures and videos he had taken of them. 

“He’s so playful and cute,” Minseok grins, bringing his hands up around Toben as he climbs up on his lap again, bringing his front paws up to Minseok’s shoulder. “He’s so fun, you must have so much fun when he’s staying with you.”

“Nope! I’m scared of him,” Chanyeol says brightly. Minseok pauses, looking up to see if he’s serious. Chanyeol smiles, unperturbed, and they look at each other for a few moments.

“Oh,” Minseok says lamely. Toben sniffs all over his face, nosing as his cheek. 

But nevertheless, he’s well-behaved as they leave the studio, looking for places nearby to eat in and have a late dinner. Eventually, seeing that most establishments had closed up for the evening, they give up and make their way to the convenience store across the studio, and buy a few packs of ramen. At least there’s cheese and an egg to go on top and kimchi on the side, plus bottles of taro tea to go with. All of it is contraband for Minseok, as he’s preparing for the concert in a few weeks time, his solo involving him stripping off his shirt, so he needs to be in top form. But, for tonight, with a fluffy poodle and a fluffier boy for company, he gives in rather easily. 

“Ah,  _ ah,  _ hot,” Chanyeol hisses, his mouth hanging open and the noodles dropping from his mouth, right back into the soup in the disposable aluminum foil bowl they had prepared their ramen in, coughing and tearing up as his breath fogs in the cold air of the eating area just behind the store. 

Minseok holds back his laugh, bringing up a tissue to wipe at Chanyeol’s mouth, Toben laying down on the bench next to him. “Did you burn your tongue?”

“Lil’ bit,” Chanyeol says, sticking out his tongue still as he flaps his hand to cool it, as if it will do much. Minseok brings up his bottle of milky tea, right out of the convenience store fridge, and he lifts it right up to Chanyeol’s mouth, helping him drink. 

Despite almost burning his tongue, after a few minutes, he’s slurping up the ramen with gusto, chewing on the bouncy noodles happily as he mixes it up with the cheese and still runny yolk of the egg, copping a bite of kimchi along with it. Minseok smiles as he watches him eat, and he pets Toben behind the ears as he eats his own ramen slowly, and he suddenly appreciates everything being closed. It’s quiet outside, no one else there aside from them, and there is nothing like the joy of being together, sitting quietly and happily, eating something simple and comforting, and it’s a moment that’s just theirs. It reminds him a lot of their youth, and. Of their first  _ real  _ date. 

“This is familiar,” he smiles. Chanyeol looks up from his bowl, and Minseok continues, “When we were in high school. After you confessed to me, we ate ramen like this. Outside, in the convenience store near our houses, past our curfew. Our first date.”

Chanyeol watches him, and his cheeks pink up gradually. From the cold, from the heat of the noodles, and from the memory. “That wasn’t our first date. What about all those ‘Stairway to Heaven’ marathons?”

“In middle school?” Minseok says, and he chuckles. “Chanyeol, you didn’t like me like that, then.”

“I did,” Chanyeol says. Minseok stares at him, watches as he goes red, right up to his ears, but he looks on at him earnestly, honestly. “I did like you then.”

Minseok stares on. Feels his own cheeks pink. “You did?”

Chanyeol breathes out slowly, but he doesn’t pause. “I told you already, didn’t I, Minnie? I’ve loved you, ever since we were babies.”

Minseok stills, and it’s suddenly very hot, even in the winter air. He feels his eyes sting slightly, and he clears his throat, saying, “That’s a long time. You waited a long time.”

“I did,” he says. And, he smiles then, and it’s small but completely beautiful. “You didn’t make it easy. But, it’s okay. We’re here now, aren’t we?”

And he’s right. They are. 

Minseok smiles at him, and Chanyeol returns it easily. He lifts up a carefully arranged bite of noodles, cheese, and kimchi, everything thick with egg yolk, his other hand below to catch any spillage, and Minseok laughs, before accepting the bite, opening his mouth wide and chewing.

They eat for several minutes, comfortably, quietly. It’s cold, but the ramen warms him up from the inside, Chanyeol warming him up even more with his pretty smile, and warm gaze.

Then, just as they finish, after they clean up and gather their trash, Chanyeol speaks softly. “I waited a really long time.”

Minseok looks up, and sees Chanyeol has a tender look on his face, a little sad, but still smiling. He goes on, thinking through his words carefully, saying, “I realized something, after you left all those years ago.”

Minseok pauses, and he waits for him to continue, and when he does, the way his chest goes tight, his eyes sting with tears is almost instant, but all in the best ways. “You’re too precious for me. And, you know, I’ve lived so long without you. I tried, and I made peace early on with the fact that my life was never as bright without you. It was my fault, and I had to live with the fact that I ruined it because I was selfish and I hurt you. I almost did it again, a few weeks ago.”

He pauses, and Minseok sits quietly, the words hurting, but Chanyeol continues, “But, I also thought, the world gets to see how  _ beautiful  _ and undeniably talented you are, and. Really, how could that be bad? Everything I resented about your training, it just made you shine. And it was so easy, then, to be happy for you.”

Minseok feels the first tear slip from the corner of his eye, and he brings his hands up, trying to catch them, keeping his mouth closed lest the small sobs slip out. But it’s all relief. The acceptance he’d so longed for. 

Chanyeol smiles, leaning in to wipe the tears away gently as they come despite the shine of his own eyes. “So, from now on. I want you to be able to depend on me, even just a little. Because I know everyone depends on you. I’m sorry for not realizing that earlier on. I want you to be able to confide in me, so I can support you in all the ways I can. I hope that’s okay.”

And it  _ is.  _

Minseok sniffs, patting at his cheeks as he cries still, but he  _ smiles,  _ even laughing a little, feeling  _ everything.  _

So, he leans forward, despite being out in the open, and he kisses Chanyeol gently, barely lasting a moment, but it’s everything. 

Chanyeol’s eyes flutter open when Minseok leans back, and his eyes are so soft, glazed over, and his cheeks are red. He gulps down a little, feeling very shy, and he says after clearing his throat, “Oh? Minseok bobo?”

Minseok chuckles. “I’m afraid it’s not as cute as when you do it.”

“Please,” Chanyeol says, shaking his head at him, feigning outrage. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Minseok laughs, and Chanyeol grins. The night is good. 

.

Things change beyond their control, a few days later.

The day had begun like any other. It was supposed to be a  _ good  _ day, a free day from practicing or concert prep or filming or costume fittings or look tests, and Minseok had planned to sleep in for once, with the promise of a late lunch in Chanyeol’s place, and a date going around a few record shops Chanyeol had discovered a little away from the company building, and a night of  _ whatever they wanted,  _ and Minseok wanted  _ a lot.  _

But, he’s woken before seven in the morning by his phone’s incessant ringing, and he grunts, irritated as he’s stirred from his slumber. He grabs the phone from where it’s sitting on the table next to his bed, and he answers the phone without looking at the screen, which is really very irresponsible of him but it’s  _ too early for this, _ huffing out, “Hello?”

_ “Min,”  _ Junmyeon’s voice is alert, undeniably worried. It’s  _ different,  _ alarmed enough that it wakes Minseok up a bit more, making him sit up on his bed as he rubs his eyes to get himself to wake up a little more, his stomach already twisting strangely in worry he can’t identify.  _ “Minseok, have you gone online yet?” _

“I  _ literally  _ just woke up, Myeon,” he says, sighing. “What is it?”

_ “Don’t go looking,”  _ he says. His voice is tighter still, and it makes Minseok feel apprehensive, anxious. Junmyeon hesitates for a long while, and he eventually says,  _ “Minseok. I don’t know how else to say this. I wanted it to come from me, before someone hounds you.” _

“What is it?” he asks again, his hands clenching into fists, his palms sweating already. 

Junmyeon pauses, and he sounds pained when he tells him,  _ “Minseok, there are pictures of you and Chanyeol going around on the sites, it’s. It’s not obvious that it’s you, but there are plenty who’ve identified your clothes and Chanyeol since he’s more visible, and. Fuck, Minseok, you two were caught together. Kissing.” _

Minseok freezes, and his world shatters instantly. 

He can’t move, his heart either stuck in his throat or dropped down heavily to the pit of his stomach, and he’s cold,  _ cold  _ all over, and his chest feels like it had been split open. 

He exhales painfully, and he gasps as his chest rips apart, tears springing to his eyes almost instantly.

He can’t breathe. Can’t breathe, like the world had been ripped out from beneath him.

“Myeon,” he cries, feeling he’s being broken apart, being chipped at until he falls to the ground, all at once in shards and rubble. “Myeon-”

He’d worked  _ so hard.  _ He’d been through hell, given himself hell, and he’d thought things were finally falling into place. It’s beyond cruel.

He feels totally devastated, gasping and sobbing in his bed, trying to grip at the sheets for some stability, but he cries, cries. 

It’s so  _ unfair.  _

_ “Minseok,”  _ Junmyeon says on the other end, sounding broken for him, and Minseok cries still.  _ “Minseok, breathe-” _

The door to his room is opened then, and he doesn’t look up to see who’d come in, and even if he did, the tears blur his sight, coming too fast, painful painful, painful. Someone pulls him into a tight embrace, holding him close, and he realizes the quiet murmuring of comfort is Jongdae’s, his voice shaky but doing his best to stay strong for him, supporting him as best as he can right when Minseok feels like the world has been ripped away from him.

His privacy, his freedom, his sense of self, possibly even his career. 

His  _ everything.  _

“Chanyeol, he,  _ oh god,  _ they’re going to rip him apart,” Minseok sobs, and Jongdae holds him tighter, and he  _ can’t.  _ “I, I need to go see him, this is my fault, I need-”

_ “Minseok, you can’t,”  _ Junmyeon says, though his voice sounds like it aches for him to say it.  _ “I’m sorry. They’re trying to smooth things over right now, but. You can’t go to him. You can’t be seen today.” _

“Myeon, please,” he sas, feeling his head ache, his chest split apart. “I need to make sure he’s okay. I can’t-”

_ “Min,”  _ Junmyeon says slowly, softly.  _ “Please. Please breathe. Take a moment. Take it slowly.” _

He feels like he can’t. He heaves, sobbing heavily, but Jongdae rubs his back, and breathes with him. “Hyung. Try to follow me if you can. Breathe. In and out, you can do it.”

He breathes, helping Minseok match his pace, slow, slow, slow. Minseok feels like he can’t, but slowly, he’s breathing with Jongdae, following his pattern, and everything still feels  _ fucked, _ his chest aching and his body trembling, but his head clears slowly as he manages to get air back into his body. 

_ “Min. Are you okay?”  _ Junmyeon asks carefully.

Minseok shivers, tears pouring down still, and he answers. “No. No I’m not. I’m sorry. I, I can’t.”

_ “It’s okay, Min. You don’t have to force yourself,”  _ Junmyeon tells him, his voice so kind. 

Minseok breathes in deeply, his voice coming out shaky as he asks, “Can. Can I really not see him?”

_ “I know you want to,”  _ Junmyeon says, sounding sad and apologetic,  _ “But, for both your safeties, not for now.” _

Minseok cries. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault.”

“No it’s not,” Jongdae is saying then. His voice is quiet, serious, “These people, they shouldn’t have disrespected you like this. They shouldn’t have taken away what is rightfully yours, hyung. Your privacy, your relationship, whoever you love is  _ yours,  _ to keep to yourself or to share. You didn’t do anything wrong. You should know that.”

_ “He’s right,”  _ Junmyeon says, softly as Minseok’s sobs begin anew.  _ “And I can promise you, everyone in the company thinks the same way. We’re with you, Minseok.” _

“I want to see him,” he says, his chest in tatters and the tears flowing continuously, even as the door opens and Baekhyun joins them on the bed, holding Minseok on the other side, silently giving him the strength he has to offer. 

_ “I know you do. And I know he must be hurting, wanting to see you too,” _ Junmyeon says.  _ “But Minseok, please think slowly. If you were to be seen going out to find him, go over to his place, it might make the storm worse. Then you’ll both get hurt even more. None of us want that to happen. We need to take things slowly, one step at a time.” _

Minseok whimpers, curling in on himself, and Jongdae and Baekhyun wrap themselves around him, keeping him warm as he trembles. 

It’s  _ so much.  _ He can’t take it all in.

“Please,” he pleads, crying. “Please, keep him safe, too.”

_ “I’ll do my best,”  _ Junmyeon tells him. He knows he means it.  _ “Now, for us. For yourself, and for him. Don’t go out, and don’t go online.” _

He cries, cries even more as the call ends, and it doesn’t stop, no matter how tightly Jongdae and Baekhyun hold him, no matter how many times he tries to calm himself, only to break down again. 

Confirmed or not, he’d been outed so insensitively. His relationship is more or less confirmed, and his career is possibly in danger of being taken away from him.

And aside from all that already, the love he had risked  _ so much  _ to trust, to  _ be with,  _ might never want to see him again.

He cries, and he doesn’t stop himself. 

Minseok can’t seem to rest or calm himself for the whole day, can’t seem to bring himself to be hungry, or even leave his bed. But he can’t sleep, either, and it’s like it’s all he can do to cry, heavily, with almost no pause.

He tries calling Chanyeol the whole day, but. His phone burns up with the amount of messages he’s getting, calls from numbers he doesn’t know, and eventually, he has so much trouble breathing with his anxiousness every time his phone vibrates or makes a noise, signifying a notification, and none of them are ever from Chanyeol. Jongdae takes his phone in the afternoon, turning it off for him when Minseok finds he can’t, and he holds him again as Minseok breaks down in tears.

He cries. And, he thinks, it must be the same for Chanyeol. So many people, faceless numbers and names trying to come in contact with him, all because he’d been seen with him in a private moment that was just supposed to be  _ theirs,  _ and it just makes Minseok cry harder. 

As much as he wants to believe it’s not his fault, he knows better. He knows that it really  _ is. _

Before he knows it, the sky is dark outside their windows, and Baekhyun tries to get him to eat dinner, only managing to get a few bites in before Minseok can’t take anymore. 

He just wants to see him. He wants to make sure he's okay. He wants to apologize for everything. 

It’s past one in the morning, and Minseok’s can’t sleep, exhausted and tired but unable to close his eyes in fear of the faceless whispers making him curl into himself, telling him what he already knows,  _ ‘it’s your fault.’ _

He knows. He knows it well. 

“Min,” Baekhyun is opening his door carefully, and he looks tired, worried. Minseok  _ hates  _ that he’s made him look like that, just adding burden to the two he’s supposed to protect. “Please. Come out of here, just for a bit. Get some fresh - well. Not really fresh, but. Different air.”

His breath comes out shaky. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

“Hyung,” Baekhyun says, tired, but understanding still. “Please.” 

“Hyung,” Jongdae comes then to the door, and he looks back to the room, though Minseok doesn’t see. Can barely lift his head. “For us. Please.”

And Minseok whimpers. Knows he can’t refuse when they say it like that, and they know it too. That he’d do anything,  _ anything,  _ for them. 

Baekhyung comes in when he nods, showing his assent, and he helps him up, holding his hand patiently as he guides him out of his room. Minseok feels pathetic, really so  _ useless,  _ but he leans on him, and Baekhyun holds his hand tighter, Jongdae taking the other as they lead him out.

He almost collapses when he sees Chanyeol in their dorm’s living room, looking a little disheveled in an old-looking sweater and holey jeans and a thick coat, his hair slightly unkempt and his face swollen, his red eyes the culprit, but there,  _ there,  _ in front of him, looking at him with tearfully, but still so  _ affectionately,  _ and Minseok breaks down into sobs again, rushing out to meet him, Chanyeol meeting him halfway and throwing his arms around him, holding him close, and they cry together. 

They cry for a long time, Minseok burying his face in Chanyeol’s chest as he sobs, and Chanyeol crying quietly into his neck, embracing him for dear life, and they stay like this. For minutes, for hours, for so long Minseok doesn’t know the stretch of time. 

He’s so  _ tired,  _ but Chanyeol is  _ here.  _ He’s here with him, holding him, murmuring,  _ “I love you, I love you,”  _ into his hair, over and over, until Minseok feels brave enough to take a bit of comfort from it, regardless of how little he allows himself. 

It feels like hours before they part, slowly, and not very far away from each other. Minseok sniffs, breath coming out in shudders, trying not to whimper as Chanyeol gently wipes his cheeks. He looks up, feels like breaking down again when he sees how wet Chanyeol’s face is, and he leans up, trying to take the tears away, and Chanyeol kisses his palm as it comes up, making Minseok’s chest ache all over again. But, at least now, it’s a pang of affection, gratitude.

He looks around then, and realizes they’re alone, Jongdae and Baekhyun having taken their leave earlier on. He looks up, asks, “How, how did you get here?”

“Baek and Dae found a way,” Chanyeol tells him, voice a little wobbly, and Minseok feels himself tremble again, thankful for his brothers. He will never pay them back enough, but he will try. “They’ve been checking up on me throughout the day. I, I really wanted to come and see you, but everyone’s been telling me not to.”

Chanyeol cries again by the end, and Minseok hurts with him, holds him close, and he wants to tell him everything. How he had felt the same way, how he almost could not stand not seeing him, if he was alright, if he was being bombarded with messages and calls from people he didn’t know, but. It’s like Minseok doesn’t know what to do anymore, and he can do is break into tears again, and say, “Yeollie. Chanyeol, I’m  _ so sorry.” _

He cries, and Chanyeol holds him again, without question. He cries, cries.

“I’m sorry, Minseok,” Chanyeol says tearfully, and it just makes Minseok cry even more. “This wouldn’t have happened if not for me.”

And, he’s so  _ wrong.  _ Minseok shakes his head, because  _ no,  _ it’s his fault. He’d been the one who had been careless enough to kiss him out in the open. He’d been the one to let his guard down. It was  _ his  _ fault. 

But Chanyeol just goes on, sniffling to clear his nose, and he says slowly, “We, we can just say we’re old friends, or something. Or just deny that it’s you-”

And Minseok shakes his head instantly, Chanyeol’s words sounding so  _ wrong  _ on his ears, leaving his stomach feeling heavy, his chest tight but empty altogether. It doesn’t feel  _ right,  _ and it’s not fair for Chanyeol, or for him, at all.

He’s not ready to be out. But, it’s there, and people have figured it out. Denying it would be a lie.

He’s tired of lying. And denying would mean he’s ashamed.

He’s not ashamed, of who he is, and especially of who he’s with.

“I’ll tell everyone,” Minseok says, hiccupping, but persevering through. “I’ll tell everyone the truth.”

Chanyeol’s eyes go wide, and he says, “Minnie. No, this. This is your  _ dream.  _ You’ve worked  _ so hard.” _

And Minseok feels like crying again, and he does a little. He realizes that Chanyeol  _ gets it,  _ he  _ understands,  _ and while he’s thankful that Chanyeol realizes the gravity of what his job entails, it just. It matters, but it’s not the thing he’s most worried about. 

“They’ll be  _ so cruel  _ to you,” he says, realizing how either way, there’s no way for him to win. If he denies it, he would continue to live a half-life, unable to be himself, truly, to be with a person he cannot be without anymore. If he tells the truth, he’s basically branding himself a pariah, and extending that to the group, and it will be a constant struggle to make up for something he cannot help, the fact that he wants to be with a wonderful, talented, kind  _ man. _

And, in either case, he will be ostracized, this hanging over his head maybe for the rest of his life. And Chanyeol, he will be scrutinized either way, will be hounded all because of their connection.

Minseok cries harder, “I’m so sorry, Chanyeol. I fucked up,  _ I’m sorry-” _

“Minnie, no you didn’t, hey,” Chanyeol leans down, kissing his cheek, staying close. Minseok shakes, shamelessly embracing him in turn, steeling himself for what he says now, his chest already splintering into shards he can’t bear.

“I, I know it will be hard. To stay,” he says, shaking. He can barely stomach the words, wanting nothing less, but. He cannot be selfish, when he knows it would be easier for him to leave. “You don’t have to.”

“Don’t,” Chanyeol pleads, holding him tighter. He leans back, and his gaze is serious, tearful, full of love. “Minseok. I’m not leaving you.”

“But. You’re going to get hurt,” his voice trembles. 

But Chanyeol stands firm, cupping his face tenderly in his hands. Minseok feels him tremble as he holds him, but Chanyeol’s voice is steady as he tells him, “And you’re not hurting? Why would I leave when it’s not your fault? How could I leave you at a time like this? Minnie, I  _ love you.  _ I’m not leaving you for anything.”

And Minseok looks at him, almost not believing that someone would still  _ stay.  _ And he breaks down again, everything still hurting, but Chanyeol is here, bearing it with him, sharing the pain. 

“I, I can still have you?” he sobs, and Chanyeol’s tears fall as he says the words.

“Of course. You will  _ always  _ have me,” he says, and Minseok cries with him, and he brings his arms up over his shoulders, Chanyeol bringing him easily into the warmest embrace.

Not everything is fixed. Really, almost  _ everything  _ is in shambles. But Minseok is held in his arms, and Chanyeol is staying. This is enough. He can move forward, if just for this. Just to keep this.

.

The directors call him in for a meeting that morning, and they invite Chanyeol to attend as well.

He knows then, instantly, that it’s different from any of the other ‘damage control’ meetings they’ve had as a group. It’s different.

Minseok’s identity is threatened, his worth as a person questioned just because he prefers men, his worth as a group leader torn apart. His entire being, every aspect they can think of, pulled apart for mock scrutiny, all because he chose Chanyeol.

He hates it.  _ Hates it.  _

Minseok sits in front of Yubin and Zhoumi, trying not to show his nervousness, but his trembling hands on his thighs betray his emotions. He doesn’t know what to do with them, doesn’t know what to do with himself, until a warm hand takes his, locking their fingers together, sharing in his nervousness but also giving him some strength. 

He smiles, and Chanyeol smiles in turn. He holds his hand tighter, and knows he can do this. He’ll do his best.

“How are you?” is what Yubin asks him first, her expression kind, and her concern genuine.

Minseok breathes slowly. “Truthfully? I feel shitty.”

Her expression doesn’t change aside from a frown of outrage, for them. “And you, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol looks up, slightly surprised that he’s being talked to, but he answers, “More or less like i’ve been thrown off a cliff.”

Minseok winces, and he holds Chanyeol’s hand tighter underneath the table. He tries his best not to break down in front of them, has done his fair share of crying the day before. He wants to be done with the tears, at the very least. He wants to keep moving forward. 

“What happened to the two of you, it’s nothing short of vile,” Zhoumi says, his voice serious, “To have your privacy invaded like that. It’s disgusting.”

“We know it’s not enough, but the team has tracked down who spread the photos originally,” she tells them. “We’re filing a lawsuit against them, and as many of those who have spread falsehoods and targeted harassments against the two of you. On social media, on public forums, on article comments; we’re trying to cover as much ground as we can. We ask for your patience, we promise we’re trying to take as many down as we can.”

“We’ve also contacted all the sites that have spread the photos so far,” Zhoumi says. “Many of them have complied when we asked them to remove their articles and have offered public apologies, but for those who haven’t. We’re going to file cases as well.”Minseok did not know that there was so much going on. Having not ventured to see for himself, he’s sure it had been a shitshow. But, he wasn’t aware that it had been so much bigger of a storm than Junmyeon had warned him of. He’s sure this is just barely scratching the surface as well. 

“And, for now, we’ve elected to suspend the Zipper app for the company. There are too many opportunities for people to post any sort of harassment there, so the team is working to take action against those who have spread hate against the two of you on the app, and they’ll be reviewing community guidelines and be taking the appropriate measures to ensure nothing like that happens again,” Zhoumi continues.

Minseok feels his chest go heavy, knowing all the trouble they’re going through just to clean up his mess. Even the other artists of the company are being affected, with their main app for interacting with fans being taken down because of all the trouble he had caused.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He looks at Chanyeol, and he goes on, “We’re sorry. This is such a heavy burden, it’s caused so much trouble. We’re sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be like that,” she says, shaking their head at the apology. “Minseok, you know, you’re so much more than just an employee to us? You’re  _ family.” _

“You’re a company leader, too,” Zhoumi says. “You don’t just look after your own group, but everyone. Not just the artists. You are  _ treasured  _ here.”

“And Chanyeol,” Yubin turns to him, and Chanyeol startles a little in his seat as he’s addressed. “You’re so gifted. So talented. You helped give this group so many new successes, and you’re giving so many of us here new sounds. What kind of company would we be if we didn’t take action?”

“And remember it’s not your fault,” he adds in a firm voice, “You didn’t cause the trouble. It’s the people who disrupted your life at fault, who thought they could get away with being bigots.”

They’re saying things Minseok  _ knows  _ he should be aware of, knows he’s not truly at fault. But with the chaos of the day before, it had been difficult to remember, and to accept. 

“Thank you,” they say, and the acceptance quells the heaviness of their hearts, not completely, but certainly much more than it had felt for the most part of the last two days. 

“Of course,” Zhoumi says, light in his eye just for them. “So, what we need to know now is what do you want to do?”

It’s a loaded question. 

Minseok is barely over the shock and heartbreak of the day before. He’d had some time to think about it, weigh their options together during a sleepless night, but. He still feels the heaviness deeply.

“What do you suggest?” he asks them quietly.

They glance at each other briefly, and Zhoumi starts slowly, “Truthfully, we’ve never quite encountered something like this. Even in the industry, this is a big, big outlier.”

And doesn’t Minseok know it. His hand trembles, but Chanyeol just holds it tighter, letting him know he’s there. Minseok is endlessly thankful for him.

“But what we want to do now, as we always have and from now on, is to protect you,” Yubin says, her voice gentle but her words firm. “But, how we go about it will depend on what you want to do, moving forward.”

“There will be no judgement on this table,” Zhoumi tells them. “If you want to deny it, if you want to confirm it. Whatever it is you want to do.”

“But what we won’t take is a resignation,” she says, leaving no room for the option. “You don’t have to give us an answer now. Just let us know what you think.”

And Minseok thinks, really lets their words sink in. Lets the last some 30 hours sink in, and he thinks for himself, and he looks at Chanyeol, and he sees in his gaze immediately,  _ ‘I’ll go with you. Whatever you want to do.’ _

“Whatever it is, you have me,” he says. His smile is kind, beautiful. “Take your time.”

Minseok squeezes his hand. He truly cannot imagine his life without him, anymore. 

He thinks, and. Many things settle in his chest, in his mind. And he knows what to do.

“I know it will be difficult, but. I don’t want to hide who I am, or hide him,” he says, looking at Chanyeol, finding acceptance and warmth and  _ pride  _ in his gaze and smile. “I’m done denying myself.”

“So what is your plan of action?” they ask him gently. “Will you confirm?”

Minseok breathes. “This is. Me, picking this battle.”

He looks up, and sees the pride in their eyes too. It bolsters him, even though he doesn’t feel brave at all, as he says, ”I. I don’t think I’m brave enough to confirm it outrightly. But, I also don’t want to deny it. Please, just say it’s my personal life, and though my privacy has been compromised, I will not give them anymore than what they already have. I won’t hide anymore. If they want to speculate, then they speculate. I just, I want to be with Chanyeol, openly.”

Chanyeol’s eyes are glassy, his smile a little wobbly but so,  _ so proud.  _

They smile, and don’t even hesitate or question him. “Then you do so, as freely as you wish,” she tells them. “We will be here to let you live and work. Nothing has changed. You’re still our leader. And you’re still our next big producer. We’ll always be ready to protect you.”

“We’re so proud of you, both of you,” Zhoumi says. His smile is wide, and Minseok feels like it’s so much more than he deserves.

“We’re sorry for being so much trouble,” Chanyeol says, and they wave him off.

“No, don’t,” she says. “You’re just being true to yourselves. It’s our job to make sure you live well as you’re under is. Let us take care of the other things. Just be yourselves.”

They smile for them so kindly, accepting them, and the pressure in Minseok’s chest lightens, even just the slightest bit.

He’s not under any illusions that it will be asy. He knows minseok will lose  _ so much.  _ But he looks to his left, sees Chanyeol’s beautiful smile, and he knows. He can’t lose what he’s gained, and he knows this decision will give him more, and more. 

.

He works hard, even harder than before, rehearsals and concert preparation, trying to keep himself focused.

But it’s hard. It’s hard because the chaos still brews, boiling over what the company is trying to control.

Minseokis trying his best to not look at whatever is being said. He changes his number, stays quiet on Instagram and the group Twitter, and he really, truly, ignores all the links and comments online. 

But. Even as much as he tries to keep himself above it all, the cruel words still find a way to his ears, and he knows that choosing to not deny the pictures would be a hard path. 

He doesn’t regret his choice, but it does not make it any easier to take in the fact that there are many who don’t accept who he is, and that he is with Chanyeol. 

It’s especially crushing to see so many of the cruel words come from people who once said they were Rosettes, or Rosettes that don’t acknowledge his presence, demanding his exit from the group. 

This has happened before. CBX, they’re not new to this kind of hate. But Minseok  _ cannot  _ help the fact that he likes men over women. He can’t help but choose Chanyeol, because he always will, and to be told that he’s  _ wrong  _ for it, by people who have shown them so much love before. 

He won’t hide the fact that it’s crushing. 

And though Baekhyun and Jongdae don’t change around him, acting the same as they always do, and reassuring him he’s doing well, that they’re  _ proud  _ of him, Minseok can’t help but still feel bad about it, knowing they’re getting dragged into the issue, “fans” bombarding them and demanding answers.

They tell him they don’t care, that they’re there for him, and Minseok believes them, and is so thankful that they remain unchanged in their love for him. But it doesn’t stop him from feeling guilty, and sometimes, often really, he feels like he can’t even face them in the dorm.

It’s hard. It’s all hard. 

But he and Chanyeol try. It’s harder now, but it’s also more steady, he feels. What had been shaky before he feels is stable ground for him now, and even though people are cruel, he’s  _ sure  _ in what he feels now, he’s so sure in them. And that can’t be taken from him. 

They can’t take away them. They can’t take away who he is, and who he chooses to be with. 

So, moments like this feel even more precious, swaddled up in the thicket blanket Chanyeol owns, butts not having left the sofa since the moment they’d gotten to Chanyeol’s place after he had picked him up from rehearsals, watching Stairway to Heaven, like all those years before, only on a much nicer (smart) television screen.

“Oh, you  _ bitch,”  _ Chanyeol hisses when Yoori intentionally hits Jungsuh with her car, effectively halting Jungsuh’s and Songjoo’s reuniting. And he reacts as if it’s the first time he’s seeing all, even though it had been in heavy rotation when they were younger. Minseok feels like they’d watched the whole series together at least three times, the copies of the drama CDs well worn and beloved. 

Minseok watches him, more engrossed in Chanyeol watching the show so passionately than the actual show itself, and Minseok is so impossibly  _ endeared.  _ All these years later, and to think he would still keep the biggest part of his heart for him, and Minseok knows it would always be the case.

And it’s no surprise, with how beautiful Chanyeol is. With his tender heart and perpetually openly emotional expression, his pure joys and completely unselfish affection, Minseok is  _ so  _ fortunate, that Chanyeol still chose him, even after all this time.

Then, Chanyeol’s phone rings. He picks it up, glances at the caller ID, then almost instantly locks it, setting it face down on the table, setting his attention back to the screen, unphased. But Minseok’s chest tightens, not quite settled.

“Was that, another unknown caller?” he asks. Chanyeol glances at him, and he takes a moment before he nods. “They’re still bothering you.”

Chanyeol doesn’t falter. He pauses the show, and he looks at Minseok, a small smile on his face. “It’s okay. I was planning to change my number anyway. I want to get one of those fancy flip phones? You know, the ones with the shameless luxury brand designs?”

“I think those cost more than a few months of renting this place,” Minseok deadpans, and it’s saying something, since Chanyeol’s apartment is in a really nice building, and  _ really  _ good security. Otherwise, they would have been ratted on much earlier.

Chanyeol smiles a little wider, “I have quit a lot of money now; I am, after all, an award-winning producer.”

Minseok swallows, his chest still feeling heavy. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t be,” Chanyeol says, leaning in so their noses can boop together. “I’m here, marathoning Stairway to Heaven again with you, although. Maybe we should have chosen another drama, this shit is crazy stressful.” 

They both glance at the screen, paused at the aftermath of the car incident. They both wince.

“But, you know, I didn’t know if I’d ever get to be in this position again,” Chanyeol says, chuckling a little. “It’s worth it.”

And Minseok feels his chest expand, but it feels full of light. Soft, warm, overwhelming him but in the best of ways, gentle and wholly wonderful, and.

Minseok could laugh, smiling happily as Chanyeol unpauses the screen, and to realize this all now. When the shitstorm they had inadvertently caused is probably not even a full blown typhoon yet, maybe a brewing low pressure area just building up, when things are literally  _ shit  _ and messy, the messiest, a mess Minseok had never quite experienced to this degree, and yet.

Somehow, he’s never felt more secure, more stable. More sure of himself and in them. 

“What the  _ fuck,”  _ Chanyeol says, outraged at the screen. “She lost her  _ memory?!  _ Yoori, you  _ bitch-” _

“I love you,” Minseok says softly. 

Chanyeol chokes on his breath. He turns his head to stare at Minseok, eyes wide, and looking fully shocked. 

“What?” he breathes out, his eyes already filling with tears.

“I love you,” Minseok says, softly, simply, meaning it with everything he has. “I love you.”

Chanyeol stares at him, and it’s barely moments before he bursts into tears, crying and looking so  _ happy.  _ He tries to untangle himself from the blanket they’ve thrown over themselves, before he gives up and tackles Minseok down to the sofa, burying his face into his neck and crying into his chest, so  _ happy,  _ so endearing, everything Minseok holds dear. 

Minseok laughs, wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s back, holding him close. Loves him. Loves him  _ so much.  _

“I love you,” Chanyeol says, whimpers as he sniffs and making himself into a small ball so he can get even closer, and Minseok obliges, easily. “Love you.”

“Thank you for being so patient,” Minseok says, and Chanyeol  _ wails.  _ ”I love you, baby.”

Another wail. They lay like that for many minutes, the drama playing on in the background as Minseok holds him and Chanyeol cries into his chest, and this moment. This moment, Minseok will treasure, he will keep this with him, hold on to this in the hard times ahead.

They can’t take this from him. 

Eventually, Chanyeol lifts his head up, sniffing still, looking like a bit of a mess. Still beautiful.

“Minseokkie, bobo?” he asks, pouting. 

And Minseok smiles, gives in easily.

The night ends well, Minseok pushing his cock into Chanyeol’s ass right on the sofa, blanket still tangled around them and the drama still playing in the background,adding to the soft background noise along with Chanyeol’s moan and whines as Minseok fucks into him, and it’s good. 

Minseok feels like he has home, all around him. 

.

Things are good, but they also continue to be hard. 

Minseok just makes himself count the good things.

Everyone in the company supports him, wholeheartedly. He had privately gotten many messages of support from many fellow singers, idols, and actors, wishing him and Chanyeol well, hoping they prove everyone wrong. He had the most supportive bosses, most supportive manager who isn’t afraid to call out fans online and in person when Minseok can’t, often joined by their ruthless dancers (Sehun, notably, had let his dog, Vivi, loose to growl and chase after some masked fans who had yelled at Minseok as he had entered the building for practice. They had screamed, running away, because though Vivi was undeniably adorable, it was just as ruthless as its owner). Even Jongin, really one of the softest people  _ ever,  _ had been going on long rants at antis on his instagram, calling them out as he did lives on his social media accounts, taking down names of people who were being borderline abusive to Minseok, saying with a smile he’ll make sure the company knows of their behavior. The accounts disappear, one after the other, and several apologies appear online. 

His family still treats him the same. The first call they had after everything had exploded, his mother had simply said, “He’d always been such a sweet boy. My baby,  _ in love,  _ oh.” She had ended up crying in happiness, while his father and sister tried to calm her down, everyone feeling a little embarrassed, but. It was exactly the ice breaker they needed, and soon, they were talking about his next long break, and he’s more or less forced to bring Chanyeol home for a big family dinner.

_ (“Can I bring my mom with me?”  _ Chanyeol asks, not even hiding the fact that he had been eavesdropping on the call, and Minseok’s mother squeals, saying,  _ “Of course, my other baby. I’ve missed you so much.”  _ She had ended up crying again.)

The fans, the true ones, the ones who have weathered the storms throughout the years, come out in droves in ways Minseok would never expect. Everyday, messages of encouragement and love flood Twitter, trending all over the world for him to see. He sees the projects they do for him, the videos of masses of fans saying the sweetest things to him, thousands upon thousands of videos, millions of people. Their support, still visible, still loud, and all the more loving. 

He had felt very hated, for a while. It would have been a relief, if even just a few fans loved him. Accepted him, but for a few days, it had felt that there was too much hate, drowning out any supportive voices.

As it had turned out, the love was in the majority. Millions still, working hard to swamp out the cruel voices, giving him the same, if not stronger, love as they had always given him.

He had cried in relief, then. 

Baekhyun and Jongdae did not change. They treated him the same. Teased him the same way, drove him up the wall the same way. Laughed with him, cuddled with him, pulled him into their little arguments and demanded he choose a side on who deserved the last cheesy corndog. They still acted like the little brothers he needed to rein in sometimes, but were also the ones who lifted him up, encouraged him silently, giving him the support he needed unprompted. They were still family. 

And Chanyeol. Who picked him up after practice on most days, if he wasn’t already visiting to watch them, bringing flowers and coffee and snacks. Chanyeol, who showed off his phone to Baekhyun and Jongdae, who both didn’t even know how to navigate any phone that wasn’t an Apple product so it was useless to brag about it to them. Chanyeol, who hugged him freely, kissed him whenever he asked, held his hand and made sure he never felt alone. 

Chanyeol, whose smiles brightened his days and warmed his nights, his love sure, unwavering despite it all.

He has many good things. They tide him over, day by day, until he feels like he doesn’t need to keep counting them anymore, knowing they far outnumber the bitter pills. 

But. It didn’t mean that the bitter pills were not easy to swallow.

The albums people have burned, the photocards ripped, the posters vandalized. 

He’d turned down the opportunity to go solo, quietly, without any fanfare, knowing it’s not in the cards. Zhoumi had understood, but had told him kindly,  _ “The offer will always be there, Minseok.”  _

A particularly large, especially bitter pill, had been the postponing of the concert and subsequently, the tour, just a few days before it was due to begin. The tickets, that had already been sold out just minutes after they had been released a little more than a month ago, were part of the collateral damage. There had been assurances that they would still have a sold-out crowd, but the backlash had been strong. They’d all collectively decided that giving things a little time to breathe and settle would be the best thing to do, but still. It had been hard, with weeks of practice and little sleep and fights with each other, significant others, and so much riding on it.

But, the protest that had taken place outside the company building had been a particularly shaking experience.

“You can’t call  _ that  _ a protest, that’s even less than the number of students in my post-graduate Advanced Theater class,” Baekhyun sneers as they stare down the window of the ninth floor at the admittedly laughable gathering of people in black, sitting outside on the steps with slogans covering their faces, demanding for Minseok’s expulsion from the group, and the company.

Still, no matter how many they had been (“That’s  _ sixteen,  _ they’re less than we are. We could take them if you wanted,” Sehun had said, sounding like he was kidding, but also, very much like he was not), they still had the energy and the perseverance to do this. Their hate so strong, that they had chosen to channel it this way: a direct demand, right in front of his second home. A pile of his merchandise had been thrown in front of the steps, making him feel worse, though he’s allowed a small laugh when Jongin says, “My niece’s collection of your merch is even bigger than that pile, are they even really trying?”

He sighs, making to go back and practice again, when Junmyeon, who had mysteriously disappeared, sends them an update in the group KakaoTalk. When Minseok opens it, he certainly had not been expecting a livestream, and on the screen, coming out of the company doors-

_ “Mom,”  _ Baekhyun crows, having opened the feed as well and laughing as Yubin steps out of the building, heels and designer suit and looking every bit a queen as she steps down to meet the protesters. 

Before they even get a word in, she’s telling them in a viciously sweet tone,  _ “I will not be entertaining any questions or protests. He’s happy and will remain to be happy, you all need  _ jobs  _ and you better get that money to lawyer up because trust that we will be filing cases against all of you for discriminatory harassment, disturbing the peace and trespass - yes, since you  _ are  _ on the company steps, aren’t you? Don’t think any of you are safe, we’ve seen your faces,”  _ she says when they’re suddenly dispersing, leaving the steps and running away in different directions. She sighs, looking irritated but unperturbed, perfection. 

“I feel like posting that shit up on YouTube,” Sehun says, watching the stream over Jongdae’s shoulder. 

Minseok sighs, but doesn’t disagree, even as he puts away his phone and drags everyone back to the floor, get back to working.

The day drags on, and by the end of it, he just wants to crash into bed and forget any of it ever happened. Junmyeon knows the look on his face, and wordlessly takes the route that gets them to Chanyeol’s apartment the fastest wordlessly, though Minseok knows Chanyeol is most probably asleep already, the hour well within the pre-dawn.

He punches in the code Chanyeol had given him, and the apartment is dark, quiet, warm. He trudges through the space with limbs that feel like lead after all the dancing, and he makes his way to Chanyeol’s large walk-in, taking off his clothes as he goes, folding and arranging his practice muscle shirt and pants in a neat pile for the wash he’ll give them when he gets back to the dorm, but for now. He looks for warmth, and finds it in the same orange sweater Chanyeol had been wearing those months ago, when he had found himself back in Minseok’s life. 

Already large on Chanyeol, it comes down to skim the top of Minseok’s bare thighs, the neckline wide enough that most of his shoulders are exposed, the cuffs of the sleeve hanging well past his fingers.

He knows he looks a little ridiculous, but Minseok doesn’t care. He feels warm, like he’s home.

He pads quietly to Chanyeol’s room, his socks soft on the floor, and he’d been right to think Chanyeol would be asleep. He’s deep into it, laying on his side, his naked torso messily covered by the duvet as he breathes into the pillows, looking so, so soft. 

Minseok’s chest calms as he takes him in, and he’s climbing in next to him, lifting the covers as best as he can so he doesn’t wake up.

But Chanyeol stirs, and he opens his eyes slowly, blinking before he’s really able to see Minseok facing him, laying next to him in a borrowed sweater from his closet. When he realizes and comes to, he smiles, still rather sleepily, but he shuffles closer, reaching out to pull him into his arms, sharing in the warmth.

Minseok feels his chest  _ purr,  _ and he closes his eyes as Chanyeol presses his lips against his hair. “Hi, sorry I woke you.”

Chanyeol makes a small noise, cuddling him, “It’s okay. I wanted to stay up and wait, but I ended up falling asleep. I wanted to go to the company once I heard  _ that  _ was happening, but Yubin told me to stay put when I tried.”

Minseok smiles sadly, and he leans up to kiss away the crease that had formed between Chanyeol’s brows, angered, but mostly sad and disappointed that he couldn’t be there for Minseok. “It’s okay, Yeollie. It was taken care of. If either of us reacted, then it would just add fuel to the fires. It’s just giving those people what they want, and they don’t deserve any kind of attention from us, do they?”

Chanyeol pouts, but he sighs, leaning in to nuzzle their noses together. “They don’t. I just, I wanted to be there for you.”   
“You’re here now, that’s all I need,” he says. “And it would hurt me a lot, if they did something to you.”

He pauses, and he swallows slowly, trying not to let himself be overwhelmed by the negative thoughts. If they had somehow gotten to Chanyeol and hurled verbal abuse at him, if they blamed in for what was happening to the group now, if they hurt him, in any way.

Minseok can take it. It hurts, but being in this industry has made him grow a thicker skin, and he can withstand a lot. 

But Chanyeol, he’s not an idol. His heart is soft and kind and his smiles are always gentle and bright, and his soul is pure, too pure. Minseok doesn’t know how much he can take, and even though he believes him fully when he says he won’t leave, that he loves him and he’s staying, it’s still. Scary, like it’s in the back of his mind, because there’s only so much a person can take.

After the past few days, it seemed like this wasn’t going to slow down, any time soon. It would just get worse, and worse, and worse still. 

If Chanyeol were to decide then that this isn’t worth it, Minseok truly wouldn’t blame him. He knows it’s hard. 

He just wants him to be happy, and safe. Wherever that may be.

“Minnie?”

Minseok blinks, and meets Chanyeol’s gaze, realizing with a start that he had been silent for several minutes. He blushes, but Chanyeol just hums, leaning in to kiss his cheek, asking him, “What’s on your mind?” 

Minseok’s chest aches. “Not much.”

Chanyeol hums. “Really, Minnie. It’s okay, you can tell me.”

Minseok knows he can. And he should, because thoughts like this fester. And allowing things to fester and grow out of hand only to blow up when it gets too big to contain is not what Chanyeol deserves. 

He wants to say it. But, he doesn’t know the words, and just thinking it, it makes him feel anxious. 

So, Minseok says instead, schooling his face into a more neutral expression, “Did you see what Yubin did to the protesters?”

“Jongdae sent me a video,” he replies. If he catches the shift in Minseok’s tone, he doesn’t show it, goes along with it for now. Minseok breathes out, appreciating him so  _ damn much.  _ He promises, he will make it up to him, tell him everything, but for now, he listens as Chanyeol continues, “God bless.”

“Bless,” Minseok says, chuckling. 

“We have a good set of employers, don’t we?” he says, and Minseok feels his chest swell.

“We do,” he says, and the gratitude fills up his soul, all over again. “We’re very lucky.”

Chanyeol pauses, and he looks on at Minseok, taking him in. His already soft expression melts into the most tender, gentle smile, his gaze so full of love, and when he speaks, the affection heavily laces his voice as he tells him. “The luckiest.  _ I’m  _ the luckiest.”

Minseok feels himself flush, his cheeks heating, and his heart pounding crazy loud and crazy fast in his chest, and the way Chanyeol can just say these things so  _ easily,  _ the way he gets so flustered all the time. 

He feels so young. He didn’t think he would ever feel this way again, didn’t know there was ever a way for them to find themselves here, and yet. 

He holds down his laugh when Chanyeol’s voice suddenly echoes in his mind,  _ ‘LOEY always finds a way.’ _

“I’m luckier,” he says, feeling himself cringe with all the sweetness, but he pushes on, “Having you here. I’m luckier.”

“Nope, I’m the  _ luckiest,”  _ Chanyeol says, his smile growing into a wide grin as he reels Minseok in then, making him yelp slightly. “I’m the luckiest, having  _ you  _ in  _ my  _ bed, in  _ my sweater,  _ I mean.  _ What the fuck,  _ you’re so sexy-”

_ “Stop,”  _ Minseok whines, hiding his face behind his sweater paws, which possibly makes Chanyeol even more feral, leaning in to nip and nuzzle his neck, making purring noises. “It’s, I. I  _ didn’t  _ wear it to be sexy,  _ stop.  _ I just, I felt like wearing it, it looked warm and like you and I didn’t want to sleep in my practice clothes.”

“Uh huh,” Chanyeol says, smirking slightly, before his hands come to pause on his bottom, not quite squeezing, but his large hands fit themselves around the curve of his ass, resting rather comfortably. Minseok blushes, but presses back against his hands, hiding his face in Chanyeol’s neck as he’s teased, “Then the no pants were also to stay warm?”

_ “Stoooop,”  _ he whines, feeling embarrassed, but pushing his ass back against his palms, his face heating with how nice his ass felt, curved perfectly into Chanyeol’s hands. “It’s late,  _ ah-” _

“Minnie,” Chanyeol lowers his mouth to murmur into his ear, nipping gently at his earlobe, teasing,  _ teasing  _ him so well. “Do you like this? I can stop.”

_ No,  _ what a tragedy it would be if he did. “I like it,” Minseok breathes, and Chanyeol smiles, leaning in until their lips are mere inches away from each other. 

“Minnie, bobo,” he requests gently, and Minseok moans, feeling his chest  _ glow,  _ and he leans in easily, pressing their mouths together and kissing him, their lips soft against each other, but it gets heated, very quickly, Minseok licking into his mouth, Chanyeol nipping at his bottom lip and sucking it into his own mouth. 

Their hands roam, legs tangling as they make out heavily, and eventually, Chanyeol brings his arms up around Minseok, and he’s sitting them both up on the bed, and Minseok moans into his mouth, moving easily as Chanyeol guides him to settle on his lap. He leans down, tilting Chanyeol’s head back to look at him for a few moments. Eyes glazed, cheeks red, hair a mess, and with the most beautiful, swollen lips. 

Minseok moans, wants to devour him whole. Starts by shoving his tongue into his mouth, kissing him, and Chanyeol moans, parting his lips, his hands sliding from Minseok’s thighs and his ass, back and forth for several moments as they kiss. 

“I have you in  _ my clothes,  _ and you think I’ll care it’s  _ late,”  _ Chanyeol breathes, his exhale shaky and prolonged as Minseok humps his ass, pressing and grinding down on Chanyeol’s crotch, apparently already affected enough that Minseok can feel him stiffen up in his shorts. 

Minseok moans, his thighs tensing on either side of Chanyeol as he rubs his ass against his dick, and really,  _ truthfully,  _ being teased about his accidental choice in clothing for the night had been a little embarrassing on his part, but he can at least admit that Chanyeol’s attention, his gaze that never leaves Minseok and his hands that slip under his sweater, sliding up his back and making a thrill shoot up his spin, making his toes curl, feels  _ good.  _ More than good.

This goes on for several minutes, heavy making out and heavy petting, heavy grinding until Minseok can  _ see  _ how tented up Chanyeol’s shorts are, and his own cock feeling heavy and stiff in his underwear, and he trembles as he gives in to his want despite the slight ache of his body from the whole day of practicing, saying breathily, “Yeollie, baby, want it inside me-”

“Oh  _ god, fucking hell,”  _ Chanyeol growls, shoving his pants down as best as he can to get his cock out, rather difficult with Minseok’s complete unwillingness to climb off him, but he manages to succeed, taking his thick, thick,  _ big  _ cock in his hand, stroking himsef once, and Minseok can’t bear to just watch. Brings his hand down, makes a fist around Chanyeol length, feeling him up, craving him even more, to cram into his hole and make him forget the day that had been.

“Thick,  _ thick, baby,”  _ Minseok breathes, feeling his mouth water. “So big. Can’t wait to ride it-”

“Minseok, your  _ fucking mouth,”  _ Chanyeol groans, and a moment wherein he leans over to grab lube and a condom. He’s slicking up his fingers, the other hand reaching behind Minseok, and they work together to move his underwear down enough to expose his ass, revealing his hole. His dick stays trapped in the front, leaking and smearing precum on the inside, and Minseok feels  _ dirty,  _ moaning as he wears Chanyeol’s sweater, sitting on Chanyeol’s lap, trembling as his hole is stretched by two of Chanyeol’s fingers.

He feels like a king.

“Thought this was supposed to be soft cuddling,” Chanyeol hisses, moaning with Minseok as he inserts three fingers into his ass. 

“It was. Then I realized I wanted your cock tonight, though,” Minseok says, voice pinched as he rolls his hips down on Chanyeol’s fingers, riding the digits as Chanyeol sinks them in, faster and faster.

Minseok shivers, moaning as Chanyeol crooks his fingers in  _ just so,  _ making all the nerves in his body  _ light up  _ as he rubs against that spot, and Minseok is suddenly impatient, moving so Chanyeol’s dick slides between his ass cheeks. Minseok’s breath goes short, and he exhales deeply, feeling his entire body shudder, having Chanyeol’s cock so close to where he wants him most. 

His body falls forward, and he curls against Chanyeol’s chest, trembling slightly as Chanyeol spreads his fingers inside him, stretching him open to take him in. “Yeollie, hurry-“

“I’ve got you,” Chanyeol murmurs into his ear, kissing beneath the lobe as he prepares his cock, rolling down a condom and getting himself slick to slide into Minseok’s hole. Minseok shivers more, bringing his hands up to clutch Chanyeol’s shoulders, his fingers just peeking out from the sleeves as his nails bite in slightly into the meatiest part of his shoulders, and he’s burying his face in Chanyeol’s neck, breathing him and feeling his body go  _ so warm  _ with the way he’s being touched. Gentle, like silk, but with intent, the slide of Chanyeol’s palm up his back bringing warmth, heat.

Chanyeol takes his ass in his hands, squeezing the flesh and guiding him to lift his hips up, and then the fat head of his cock is prodding his hole, pushing into him, and Minseok moans,  _ moans,  _ right into Chanyeol’s ear, his entire body trembling with it as he feels his ass stretch and clench around Chanyeol’s cock, with every inch he sinks down on, until he bottoms out inside him, his shorts feeling scratchy against the skin of Minseok’s cheeks.

They both exhale and moan together, and Minseok wraps himself around Chanyeol, feeling like his cock is splitting him in two, the sensation making his toes curl and making him cling to Chanyeol tighter as he adjusts around the dick in his ass, so thick and big. He feels the front of his underwear feel that much tighter, a wet spot appearing where the head spills more precome, and Minseok sucks in a breath as he grinds down on his cock, getting him deeper, making them both moan.

“You’re so tight,  _ fuck,”  _ Chanyeol breathes out, reaching down to take Minseok’s ass in his hands, spreading the cheeks further apart. Minseok whines, and cries out as Chanyeol traces his thumb right where his rim is stretched around his cock. “Such a tight, sweet ass,  _ fuck-” _

Minseok feels like he’s about to lose his mind, just sitting on his cock, so he leans back slightly, holding on to Chanyeol’s shoulders as he looks down at him, Chanyeol looking  _ delicious  _ and dazed as he gazes back. And Minseok moves his hips,  _ rides,  _ in slow pumps of his ass back against his cock, rocking back against him, and they both moan as he rolls onto his cock.

“Oh,  _ so fucking big,”  _ Minseok moans, his voice coming out breathy as he takes Chanyeol’s cock into his ass, right down to the hilt each time, and he exhales shakily as sinks down, lingering, taking in the moment and just  _ feeling  _ his thick, big cock, crammed right into him, splitting him in two. “So hot inside me-”

“God,  _ fuck,”  _ Chanyeol moans, his arms trembling around Minseok as he rides him, rocking between sensual, smooth rolls of his hips, eventually going faster and more urgent as he bounces on his cock, his ass smacking against his thighs as he takes him in again and again. “How - you still have  _ energy  _ for this? After a whole day of practice?”

“I’ll always have energy for  _ this,” _ he says, smiling wryly as he brings his head down, brushing his lips ever so slightly against Chanyeol’s, then darting out his tongue to lick across his mouth, then his cheek. He rides a little harder, a little faster, until the sound of his ass coming down is the loudest thing in the room, drowning out their moans and heavy breathing and the creak of the bed, struggling under their motions. 

Then, in a flash, Chanyeol’s gripping his waist, and he  _ slams  _ Minseok down to his driving cock, ramming into him so suddenly that Minseok can’t hold back his shout, punctuating the relative quiet they had maintained up until that point, and it doesn’t stop from there on out. 

Chanyeol fucks him, bringing him down to his cock, spearing into him from below and burying his cock deep inside him, pounding into him without rest. He murmurs into Minseok’s ear, making his neck and ears heat up with every word, “Baby, you’re so tight, so  _ hot  _ around my cock. Love being stuffed full, Hmm?”

“Yeah,  _ oh fuck,”  _ Minseok moans, crying out loudly as he’s pistoned into. He almost collapsed fully against Chanyeol, overwhelmed by the way he’s being rocked into, his ass shaking as Chanyeol’s cock plunges into his hole, keeping him stretched wide. “Love your cock, love you.”

“Love you too,” Chanyeol says, smile ringing his voice sweetly as he presses his lips against his cheek gently, in stark contrast to the way he  _ rams  _ into Minseok’s ass, his palms hot and squeezing his cheeks, rolling them in his hands before spreading them apart, sheathing himself inside Minseok. 

Minseok breathes deeply, gathering himself as Chanyeol fucks him hard, and while he loves sitting on his cock,  _ taking it,  _ he wants to do  _ more.  _

He breathes, gathering his courage and doing his best not to get overwhelmed as his ass is plowed into, and he sits down fully on Chanyeol’s cock, leaning back and catching his slightly confused stare. 

Then, he  _ bounces,  _ moving his hips, going up and down on his dick, and Chanyeol groans, his length twitching inside him. 

“Baby, that’s it,” Chanyeol says, moaning as Minseok grinds back against him before he resumes slamming down, sighing as Chanyeol moves with him, drilling into him from below. “Feel so fucking good.”

“Hmm,” Minseok hums, his eyes fluttering closed as he’s fucked, riding and rocking back on his baby’s  _ delicious  _ cock, feeling it even in his belly. His whole body is sore from the full day of physical exertion, and he  _ knows  _ that his thighs, his ass will be basically unbearable the morning after, but he doesn’t stop for anything.  _ Loves  _ it all so much, loves Chanyeol so much, and the cock inside him feels so  _ good.  _ Hot, hard, filling him up with no room to breathe, just the way he likes. 

They move together, fucking in a pace that’s frenetic, but still soft, Chanyeol asking for kisses and Minseok offering them to him without pause, licking into his mouth as he does figure-eights on his cock, taking him in deep and clenching his ass tightly around him. Their hands are everywhere, on his ass, on Chanyeol’s chest, in each other’s hair and pulling gently as they move together, taking each other in.

Soon enough, Minseok’s belly gets much too hot for him to handle, the sweat rolling down from his forehead and his neck, and the sweater turns damp from his exertion. His moans become breathier, his ass feeling slightly numb, and his cock stirs painfully in the front of his underwear, wet and getting close to completion. 

“Baby,” Chanyeol isn’t faring much better, his breathing coming out in pained gasps, the whole of his torso slippery with sweat, and while his pace is still hard, still deliciously rough, his pace had slowed considerably. He tilts his head back, and his face is pink,  _ beautiful,  _ and Minseok leans in to kiss him. “Baby, gonna come.”

_ “Oh,”  _ Minseok smiles, pleased, because he is as well. He makes to push Chanyeol back to lay back on the bed to ride him into the mattress, but Chanyeol shakes his head, wrapping his arms tightly around Minseok’s waist and pulling him in closer, as close as they can be. Then, he’s  _ slamming  _ him down, piercing into him with vicious thrusts that increase in pace almost instantly, and Minseok cries out again, throwing his head back and arching his back as he sticks his ass out more for Chanyeol to hammer into, cram him full of his cock. 

He claws at Chanyeol's shoulders as he’s fucked, gasping as the breath is knocked out of him every time his cock plows into his ass, his cock rubbing between their bellies constantly as they go. 

“Yeol,  _ fuck, Chanyeol,”  _ Minseok moans, “Bobo,  _ bobo, now-“ _

Chanyeol plants his mouth right over Minseok’s licking into his mouth heatedly, the kiss steaming and silky and full of tongue as they roll against each other, then. He brings one hand down, and  _ very unfairly  _ rubs against where the head of Minseok’s cock is trapped in his underwear, rubbing and stroking as he slams into him. 

And Minseok comes, shouting as the heat snaps and he’s fucking back against Chanyeol’s cock and thrusting forward, his whole body shaking as he thoroughly dirties the front of his underwear, spilling into it as his chest pounds. 

Almost immediately after, Chanyeol shouts, even louder, his other hand coming down to hold Minseok’s asscheek, the meeting of skin coming out in a smack that jolts Minseok, making him moan and blush as Chanyeol comes into the condom, filling it up as he stays rooted deep inside him, fucking  _ in, in, in,  _ and then.

Quiet, breathing together as they slump against each other’s bodies, and Minseok is  _ exhausted,  _ wants to lie down, but Chanyeol holds him up, arms around him as he keeps him seated on his cock. He doesn’t make to move, and Minseok finds that he doesn’t really mind; Chanyeol is sturdy, stable against him, warm and a little sticky but Minseok doesn’t mind, because he feels  _ good.  _ He isn’t even really bothered about the dick still inside him, finds that he might even fall asleep like this. Cuddled against Chanyeol’s chest, warmth around them, sated and the orgasm making him feel light, melting into Chanyeol’s embrace.

He’s really about to fall asleep like this, sat in his cock and leaning against his baby, but Chanyeol suddenly speaks then, saying, “Are you afraid of me leaving you?”

Minseok wakes fully. But, he doesn’t move, hiding his face in Chanyeol’s chest, his own pounding painfully at the question. 

He thinks, before he answers quietly, “I’m not. I just, it’s hard. I know it’s hard for you, all the attention you’ve gotten. A lot of it was really disgusting towards you, because you’re connected to me.”

Chanyeol hums. “So you  _ are  _ afraid I’ll leave.”

Minseok feels his cheeks flush, his chest pound. His eyes sting slightly as he tells him, “I’m sorry. It’s been so hard for you, and I know I’m making it even harder. People aren’t nice and I don’t want you to suffer, you’re too beautiful for those cruel words.”

“Minnie, baby,” Chanyeol says, making him lean back slightly so they can look at each other properly. His eyes are light. And his smile is small, but true, just for Minseok. “You know, I don’t care about any of that. I’ve stopped caring. I know you’ve put so much on the line just to be with me, and that’s all I need. Nothing else matters; I have you, and this time, I’ll work hard to meet you in the middle now.”

Minseok feels his eyes prick, his chest stretching painfully over his heart, which he feels had grown multiple sizes. “I’ve made things difficult for you. I always have, really. It’s hard to love me.”

“It  _ will  _ be hard,” he says, but he doesn’t falter, holding Minseok closer, looking even more in love with him as he’d ever been. “But it’s harder to not be by your side. I’ve lived so long like that, not being here, not supporting you, and I know that that’s not the way I want to live my life moving forward. It's hard, but being with you? Seeing you so happy, being happy together, it’s all worth it.”

Minseok’s tears fall, and Chanyeol leans in to wipe them, silence between them, but it’s gentle, soft, lifting them. He trembles, but is bolstered by Chanyeol’s steadiness, his unfaltering love, and he admits quietly. “I’m scared. I’m scared.”

“I’m scared too,” Chanyeol tells him, but his smile just widens, and he holds him tighter, reassuring them both. “But, I promise. Whatever happens, I’m not leaving. I  _ love you,  _ and I hope you’ll believe me when I say that even though things are hard, even though these past few months have been challenging, I’m sure. I’m sure about us.”

Minseok cries even more, has been crying  _ so much  _ but now it feels like relief,  _ acceptance,  _ and Chanyeol cradles his face close to him, leans their foreheads together, before saying, “You’re here, being brave, being honest with yourself. How,  _ how,  _ can I not love you for doing that? How can I not love you. You chose me, let me in even though I’ve hurt you more than once. You’re so  _ brave.  _ I love you. I love you.”

Minseok trembles, his tears running down his cheeks as he takes in Chanyeol’s words, believing them slowly. Accepting them, letting himself  _ take them,  _ and he says, “I love you. I love you deeply. I know it took a long time for me to say it, and even then, I know I don’t say it often enough, but I want you to know that I always,  _ always,  _ feel it.”

It’s then that Chanyeol’s already shiny eyes spill over, the tears running down and pooling in his dimple, his smile wide and growing wider as he listens to Minseok. He looks so  _ happy,  _ so bright with it, and Minseok wonders  _ how  _ he had managed to put that kind of look in Chanyeol’s face. So pure,  _ lovely,  _ and Minseok feels like it’s an achievement like no other. 

He leans in, patting his sweater paws against his cheeks to wipe the tears away, and Chanyeol chuckles, leaning into him. Minseok’s heart calms happy, and he continues, “I always love you, even when I don’t say the words, when I’m angry, when we’re apart. I love you. I’m  _ so grateful  _ for you, and I’ll work harder to tell you, to let you know. I’ll try to be more expressive and honest with you.”

“Oh, but. It’s okay,” Chanyeol tells him softly, leaning into Minseok’s palm as he cups his face. His eyes are gentle and understanding, as he says, “You don’t have to do that. I know you’re not really like that. I know you love me. That’s more than enough for me.”

Minseok cries a little anew, because Chanyeol knows him well enough to reassure him that just because he has a hard time being open with his emotions, doesn’t mean he doesn’t know his affections. He  _ loves _ him so much, is so lucky to be with someone who understands him.

But, Minseok wants to do more. “I know you won’t doubt my love, but you deserve to be told. You deserve beautiful words. I love you,  _ god,  _ I love you. It was so hard without you. I love you, I love you.”

Chanyeol cries even harder, giggling as Minseok hums,  _ “Chanyeollie, bobo,”  _ leaning up to oblige him wetly, happily. 

.

It’s another week before they get news about the new concert date. 

They walk out of the conference room, Minseok’s shoulders feeling particularly heavy as they exit, head full and chest tight with guilt as he was ahead of Jongdae and Baekhyun. 

They follow him cautiously, sensing the tension in him, and Jongdae speaks first, saying, “Hey, hyung, it’s not  _ that  _ far off, when you think about it-”

“March is  _ months  _ away,” he says, frustrated, angry with himself for letting this happen. 

“Hey, but think about it!” Baekhyun says, trying to lift the mood as they both catch up to him, bringing their arms over his shoulders. “It’s the day before your birthday, what a  _ great  _ way to spend the day, right? And if we’re chaotic enough, the show can last for  _ hours  _ and we can ring it in with the Rosettes, it’ll be a lot of fun!”

“Or ring it in with people throwing fire on stage,” he says. He pauses, and he sighs, slowing to a stop as he rubs at his face tiredly. “I’m sorry. That was morbid.”

“Just a lil,” Baekhyun says, face a little pinched but otherwise, he’s still smiling, poking at Minseok’s cheek, trying to cheer him up even a little. 

“I’m sorry,” he sighs heavily. “I know I messed everything up.”

“Hyung, don’t talk like that,” Jongdae says, looking upset. “You didn’t.”

“It’s okay, I know I ruined everything,” he says, and he knows he did. He’s supposed to be the one to lead them, guide them along as they reach bigger milestones and new heights, he’s supposed to be the one they look to, the one who answers for them.

He’s responsible. And he’d failed them.

Baekhyun pouts at him, “Minseok. Don’t think like that. You didn’t.”

“I was careless, and because of it, I dragged the group, the two of you, into the issues that  _ I’m  _ supposed to deal with,” he says, feeling guiltier with every word. “It’s my fault, our plans are shifting because of me. Maybe, maybe I shouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry. Maybe I should quit-”

“Hyung,” Baekhyun starts, his voice low, serious, firm. His eyes are shining, hurt by Minseok’s suggestion to leave. “Please stop.”

“Maybe they weren’t wrong,” he says. “I’m dragging you both down.”

“No, you’re not,” Jongdae says. “You’re not. You have lifted us up to where we are now. You’re our  _ leader,  _ our brother. We love you, and we wouldn’t be here without you. We won’t do this without anyone else, and we cannot and will not get mad at you for being honest with yourself, and being in love. You didn’t when it was me, in your position.”

“That’s different,” Minseok says, but Baekhyun shakes his head.

“It’s not,” Jongdae says, his smile sad, “You’re not allowed to quit for this. We’ve always accepted you. It’s not any different now that other people know who you really are, too, aside from the fact that we are prouder of you, proud that you’re our leader, now more than ever.”

Minseok’s chest aches, but it’s filled with acceptance, once again. Baekhyun and Jongae have always known about him, his preference, and it hadn’t been an issue from the beginning. It’s a comfort to Minseok that it’s still the same, now, and that he will always have them. His soulmates, of another sort. 

“We’ll always support you, through anything,” Baekhyun says, his smile gentle and bright. “And on the bright side! You’re not alone. You’re not the only CBX member who’s in love with one of their music producers.”

He grins, and it falls just as quickly as it had come as he realizes that he had essentially just come out to them, as if Minseok, and mostly everyone who had ever seen Baekhyun interact and become a soft creature with Yixing, did not have any sort of inkling. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, eyes wide, turning red in the face. “I’m sorry, that. That was tasteless, I didn’t mean to-“

Minseok embraces him, tight as he can, hoping he’s making him feel as comforted and accepted as they had made him feel, all these years, and especially these past few weeks. 

He pulls Jongdae in, and tells them, “Thank you. Love you, both. Wouldn’t do it with anyone else, either.”

A pause, and quiet as he’s embraced tightly in turn, just as stable and sure, and Minseok doesn’t question it, for a second. 

.

They’re in the studio today, recording a remixed version of one of their Japanese releases in Chinese for their tour stops in those regions, and Minseok and Jongdae wait in the lounge as Baekhyun wraps up for the day, Toben sitting on Minseok’s lap as Jongdae scratches under its chin. 

It had been a slow, long week since they’d been given the new concert date, and while they hadn’t stopped preparing for it, things were done at a less frantic pace. They’re months away from the show, and have nothing much else to do. 

It’s a different pace than what Minseok is used to, but he supposed that’s the point. They’d been given the time to let things settle, and it had taken him quite a while to realize that  _ he _ also needed settling, needed to get used to this new life, where he was open and more or less out, dating and being in love. 

It’s a lot to get used to, but Minseok finds he doesn’t mind the change of pace so much. He likes to think he’s settling in quite well. 

“I need to remember to go to Chinese lessons,” Baekhyun says as he comes out of the door, pouting as Yixing holds his hand, reassuring him he’d done a great job all the same. Chanyeol steps out after them, and he smiles as he sees Minseok, shuffles his way over to him and plops next to him on the sofa, leaning in to kiss him, but Toben yips, getting up on his lap to get to his mouth first.

They’re done for the day, and it’s barely afternoon. Minseok is still readjusting his body clock, so used to the sky being so deeply dark when he gets out of work, but he’d been promised a day in a dog park and convenience store ramen, so it’s not much of a thought to him.

“Yeol, Min,” Yixing calls out to them, “Want to go for curry? Baek, Dae, and I are going in a bit.”

“Hmm, I’m game,” Minseok says, smiling, looking to Chanyeol, who nods in turn. “You should have brought your wifey, Dae, could have that triple date we’d been talking about for so long.”

Jongdae just chuckles, saying, “She already deals with me on a daily basis, I can’t prepare her for all of you.”

“What does that mean?” Baekhyun says, fully petulant as he glares at Jongdae. Minseok is barely moved by their play-argument, turning instead to Chanyeol, who is trying to calm Toben down as it paws at his face, almost a little violently. A little concerning.

“Oh, baby, don’t be so mean to your dad,” Minseok coos, lifting Toben away from Chanyeol, and almost instantly he goes docile, yipping happily and curling against Minseok’s chest, suddenly well-behaved like he had been earlier on.

Chanyeol glares at his puppy, narrowing his eyes as Toben calms down in Minseok’s lap, pawing at his belly for pets. “You sleep on the floor tonight.”

Minseok laughs, scratching him behind the ears, and he looks at Chanyeol, offering him the kiss that Toben has prevented him from receiving. 

“Still scared of him, then?” he asks him. Chanyeol pouts. 

“This is why he lives with my mom most of the time,” he says, glaring at Toben, who remains unbothered. 

Minseok chuckles, “He was jealous of me, because you were going to kiss me, weren’t you, Tobennie?”

_ “Please,”  _ Chanyeol says, “He was jealous of  _ me,  _ he so obviously prefers you. Wants to stay with you all the time, and I mean. I don’t blame him,  _ but,”  _ he takes a moment to glare extra hard at his dog, who’s still unbothered.  _ “He  _ has a  _ boyfriend, _ and guess who it is, you lil furry angel-demon.”

Minseok laughs, and he lifts Toben up, scrunching his face at the pup, “So, you’d be going,  _ ‘Can I be your boyfriend, can I-’” _

A gasp, and Minseok’s face is suddenly grabbed, physically turned to face Chanyeol, who stares at him with the widest eyes, mouth agape. 

“Minnie!  _ Minnie,  _ what was  _ that?”  _ he says, shaking his head a little in his hands.

Minseok blinks, confused, realizes that everyone else had paused and is staring at them. “I don’t know? It was nothing, I was just playing-”

“It went like,” Jongdae realizes what Chanyeol is asking for, singing the small snippet Minseok hadn’t even really thought of before singing. 

Yixing’s eyes go wide as well, and he and Chanyeol look at each other, and with that look alone, Minseok knows they’re not going out for lunch anymore. 

“You heard that,  _ right?”  _ Chanyeol is asking Baekhyun and Jongdae. They both blink, but Chanyeol and Yixing don’t wait for a response, moving to go get their instruments and notebooks, brains running on high gear and as one.

“But. Curry,” Baekhyun says, pouting, and Minseok sighs, bringing out his phone to have the delivery made before anyone can even request it. 

By the time they finally leave the studio, it is  _ very  _ dark, like Minseok is used to. What he’s not very used to, though, is the fact that Chanyeol and Yixing had recruited them to help with the conception of the new song. As it had turned out, he and Jongdae were rather proficient in lyric writing, and Baekhyun had invaluable input concerning the sound and production, and all of them had  _ many  _ ideas for the concept. 

Chanyeol and Yixing end up presenting it to the A&R team and, just because they so happened to be present in the offices that day, Yubin and Zhoumi as well.

“And you intended this to be a new number for the show?” Yubin asks him as the song ends, hand under her chin as she processes it. 

Chanyeol swallows, and Minseok squeezes his thigh discreetly under the table, supporting him quietly. “I was thinking, since we’re changing the setlist slightly to accommodate more solo numbers, this can be Minseok’s second number after ‘The Eve-’”

“Chanyeol, Xing,” Zhoumi stops him there, and Chanyeol shuts himself up almost immediately, looking like he’s about to shit himself. Minseok calms him, seeing the face on Zhoumi’s face, and he’s not even remotely angry. If anything, he looks  _ impressed.  _ “What we mean is, this shouldn’t just be a song just for live performances. This is clearly going to be the title track for the next comeback.”

The five of them are shocked, rendered speechless. They had known the song was  _ good,  _ and they really did have  _ complete confidence  _ that the staff would like Blooming Day, not usually ones for being overtly confident in their abilities but the song had really been  _ that  _ unique from its conception. 

But, they didn’t think the reception would be  _ this good. _

“But it would be a cool thing to premiere it on the concert stage,” Yubin muses. “Like, a fun surprise. Not many idols do that.”

“So you want to ‘Super Clap’ it?” Zhoumi asks her, “Like Super Junior?”

“I don’t even know what that means,” she says, but she’s looking to the rest of them, and at the other staff in the room, the A&R team especially. “What do you think? We have time, don’t we? We can make it happen.”

Minseok can’t help but feel a little uneasy. With the atmosphere and issues still fresh surrounding the group, he feels doubtful, that it would be a good time to release a song and have a comeback. “Just. Is it too soon?”

They look at him. They smile. “No, it’s exactly what we all need.”

A little more than two months was a tight stretch, and Minseok had been wondering why they had been so warm in their praise, firm in their decision to set that as their next title, and plan for a comeback with just two months for preparations, when they could be focusing on the concert instead.

But, as they begin proper recordings and rehearsals for it, Minseok realized that they’d been  _ right.  _ It was the right song to usher in this new chapter for the group. It’s light but with punch, more subtle than their previous releases. Mature, fun, bouncy, and every trace of them woven into the song, like a plant they’d flowered themselves and seen grown. 

Minseok is even heavily involved with the choreography, making suggestions with Jongin as they create something new, things they’ve never quite done before. Smooth and fluid dances that focused on their unity and synchronization, and it certainly feels new, like this could lead them forward to another new era. 

There is no telling of how it will be received. But, somehow, they are  _ proud  _ of what they’ve done, of how involved they had been, of how this feels more  _ theirs  _ than any other thing they’ve done. Taking control of their future and their identity and letting the music speak for itself.

And in any case, they don’t have much time to be  _ too  _ stressed over it, because concert preparations pick up again soon after they shoot the music video and do the photoshoots. It’s the busiest, but most fulfilling months of Minseok’s professional life, and now, with Chanyeol supporting him, waking up next to him on most mornings, giving him kisses between breaks and eating ramen behind convenience stores every other week, all while he’s making his own music, his own mark with other artists asking to work with him, Minseok feels this is where he’s supposed to be, finally. 

And he moves forward, following this road, being in love, liking where he’s at. 

.

The day of the concert arrives, without them even realizing. After all the months of being relatively under the radar, rehearsing in the company’s basketball court for the final run-throughs over the course of the last week, suddenly, they’re backstage in Jamsil Stadium, getting dressed in their white marionette outfits for the opening number, getting glitter and sequins applied to their faces, their hair fixed, vitamins and other things offered to them by Junmyeon to keep them energetic. 

Minseok doesn’t know if he’s stressed, or if his mind is too full, or there are just too many routines in his mind, cues and lyrics he’s reviewing one more time silently, but. The pressure of doing well is always there, but the pressure of doing  _ better, _ after what had happened with him, and with Chanyeol, is sitting even heavier on his chest.

He can’t afford to make mistakes, or do anything out of turn. 

They do a final review altogether of their songs. Opening with ‘King and Queen,’ then moving along the setlist. Jongdae’s solo, then Baekhyun’s, then his. A few tracks from the last comeback, the medley of older title tracks, Hey Mama before the encore, and returning after another VCR with their surprise stage, the first for Blooming Day, and he hopes it’s received well. They’ve worked so hard on it all. Ending with Cherish.

Minseok had been so busy. He’d mostly forgotten about the ments they need to give. He sighs, not knowing what he’s even going to say, or if he’ll be able to say anything of real value, and he’s doing his best not to get overwhelmed, but with so much riding on this, and in such a big venue, it’s difficult not to get flooded.

Then right before he really begins to let himself worry, the door to the dressing room opens, and behind Yixing and Jongdae’s fiance, entering with a simple,  _ beautiful  _ bouquet of daisies and daffodils in hand is Chanyeol, looking handsome and like sunshine in a warm turtleneck and coat, and his smile is from ear to ear as Minseok stands up to meet him.

Minseok throws his arms around him, only to yelp as he’s lifted off the ground and hugged to death as Chanyeol kisses his neck, avoiding his face to not ruin his makeup.

“Never seen Minseok make that kind of noise, thank you, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon says somewhere off to the side, his phone up as he records it for evidence, which Minseok would delete, but he sees Sehun and Jongin also have their phones up on them, and it’s kind of useless.

Eventually, Chanyeol brings him down, smiling as he offers the kiss Minseok requests, and he says, “You look great.”

“Thank you, baby,” Minseok says, smiling a bit for him, and having him here comforts him a lot, easing his worries slightly.

Chanyeol catches the look on his face, and his eyebrows furrow a little as he asks him quietly, “How are you feeling? Nervous?”

Minseok doesn’t know how to reply. He shrugs, sighing, and he says, “I’m ready as I’ll ever be. I’m excited to perform, but with everything that’s happened since that day, I just. I don’t know, I don’t know how those people outside will receive me. I don’t know what I should say or feel. I kind of want it to be over and done with, to be honest.”

“Hey, no, “ Chanyeol says, pouting, lifting his chin so he can look at him properly. Endless kindness is in his eyes, and he says, “Don’t think that way. Take it in, you’re performing in a  _ sold-out stadium,  _ and no matter what, you will  _ always  _ have people who will support you. You have me, you have them,” he looks to the rest of the room, in varying states of disarray and scrambling around to get everything and everyone ready. Baekhyun is having his hair sprayed down as Yixing is tracing words onto his open palm, Junmyeon and Sehun are arguing, Junmyeon trying to get him to wear the shirt that’s supposed to go under the jacket while Sehun argues that he looks better without it, and even Kyungsoo is there, talking with Jongin, Jongdae and his fiance, all amongst their other staff, the company’s  _ board _ , and there are so many people here. It’s much more than thought he’d get in this life. 

“And, you know,” Chanyeol continues, his eyes going brighter still. “I’m sure there are  _ plenty  _ in that crowd outside who love you, for who you are. I mean, there are over  _ 45,000  _ people outside. There are more chances of winning.”

Minseok chuckles, and while it’s not a full on laugh, the pressure still lining his shoulders, he  _ does  _ feel a bit better. He breathes deeply, and he admits, “I’m kind of scared.”

“That’s okay,” Chanyeol says, no judgement in his voice. “But, please remember to enjoy yourself. You’ve worked  _ so hard.  _ But don’t be so pressured that you freeze up, just have fun. We all came here to party with you.”

“I’ll try,” he replies. Chanyeol smiles for him, gently cupping his face, mindful of the glitter.

“If it helps, remember I’m going to be watching, having fun no matter what, because I always do whenever I watch you perform,” he says, looking so bright. “So, have fun too. It’s your birthday in a few hours,  _ no one  _ is allowed to make you feel bad.”

“Not even myself?”

_ “Especially not yourself,  _ please,” Baekhyun says, tilting his head back to stare at them, upside down. “So no matter what happens, we’re having your birthday dinner!”

“I don’t know if I want that,” Minseok tries, but he’s waved off almost instantly. 

“You’ll get your chance to bone all you want later,” Sehun says dryly, “Tonight is for a _different_ kind of _meat.”_

Minseok vaguely hears Junmyeon reprimanding Sehun quietly, but he just turns back to Chanyeol, whose cheeks are pink but his smile wide, excited for him. To think he’d be in this position, about to start a world tour in the biggest venue in the country, on top of their game, with the love of his life standing in front of him, supporting him, giving him courage.

“Bobo?” he asks again, and Chanyeol grins, leaning down to kiss him again, even with all the sticky lipgloss Minseok has all over his lips.

“I love you,” Chanyeol tells him.

“I love you,” he replies, smiling. “Thank you.”

“ _ Five minutes to stage!”  _ someone is saying, and then it’s becoming more and more real.

“I’ll get going to my seat in a bit,” Chanyeol tells him, and he’s offering the flowers again. Daisies and daffodils, and when Minseok looks at him as he accepts them, he asks, “What did the lady in the shop say these meant?”

Chanyeol smiles. “New beginnings.”

Minseok  _ loves him.  _ Grabs the front of his sweater, kisses him once, and lets go.

Chanyeol looks a little winded, but he’s beaming, saying, “Kick ass.”

Minseok smiles for him, and pulls him to their circle, the dancers and staff and Baekhyun and Jongdae gathering around him and they all join hands, and they take a little moment to take in some quiet, and hope for a good show.

“It’s been a long time coming,” he says, breathing in. He really doesn’t know what to say, feels like his pep talk will be on the short side tonight, though his head is  _ too full. _ He feels Baekhyun and Chanyeol on either side of him rub his back, and he goes on, “I don’t know what will happen out there, but we’ve prepared for so long to give everyone a good show. So let’s do that. Let’s give them the best show we have, and let’s have fun. The Magical Circus starts tonight.”

Cheers, yelling, energy dancing on everyone’s skin, and Minseok then puts his hand in the middle, and they all bring their hands down on top of his, piling up, and he’s shouting,  _ “Everybody say-” _

_ “C-B-X!”  _ echoes all around, and then it begins.

The show is electric from the off, right from the beginning where they appear as puppets, only to break free from their strings and  _ give it everything they h _ ave. The crowd is nothing short of amazing, their screams so loud he’s sure they can blow off the roof, and the lightsticks as far as he can see, seeming to stretch on forever and all around, a beautiful coral-orange star-dotted sky he can barely take in, knowing no photograph can possibly do it any justice.

He feels tense, initially. The size of the crowd hadn’t helped much, and not knowing if they were still angry with him, many factors compounding onto him, but, with every hip check Baekhyun does with him, and Jongdae’s bright endless beam, and the dancers encouraging him along, he lets loose slowly, and eventually, he’s having more fun than he is worrying. 

He remembers Chanyeol’s encouragement, remembers how he’s somewhere in the crowd, having fun, and his mind is eased. It’s easy to have fun, knowing his love is somewhere, yelling and maybe flailing his limbs around, waving a lightstick of his own and having a party with them. 

So Minseok treats it as such, getting into the groove of things, playing around onstage, dancing, having fun. 

Today is for them, and for those who love them. He refuses to let himself not have fun.

The rest of the show is vibrant, really the most fun he’s ever had doing a live show. Performing their songs,  _ plenty  _ of deep cuts, but also a lot of the music Chanyeol had produced, and he doesn’t feel as if there’s any animosity towards those songs, or anything that Chanyeol might have been involved with. The screams are just as loud, the fanchants just as bouncy, and Minseok doesn’t feel he’s being treated any differently by the crowd. As he had introduced himself during their first ment, the cheers were just as loud and enthusiastic as it had been for Baekhyun and Jongdae, and really, it doesn’t feel any different from before.

If anything, things seem to be even more lively, even more precious. 

It bolsters him throughout the rest of the setlist. The screaming had been loud as he did his solo number, even  _ before  _ he had popped the front buttons of his shirt open and did the last half of the song with chest and abs on display, the screaming really through the roof then. Even through the five-song medley towards the end, the fans don’t lose their energy, and because of them, the three of them and the dancers don’t lose their steam, performing to the best of their abilities. 

The cheering had been thunderous after Hey Mama, the crowd not letting up even as they left the stage to change into their final outfits of the night, and they can hear it all the way backstage. It thrums in his veins, and he knows he’ll never forget this night.

Moment of truth as they step onstage, coming into formation on the dark stage, and a hush falls upon the crowd as the opening beat for ‘Blooming Day’ blasts through the stadium’s speakers, and Baekhyun sings the first line to a stunned crowd, shocked and confused for mere moments.

But, even before the song gets into the first chorus, the audience catches on, and it’s instant. They follow the fanchants as it’s flashed on the screens, screaming it, getting into it with them, and the energy is palpable. It’s nothing short of fire, electricity dancing on everyone’s skin as they sing together, and it feels  _ different. _

The greatest different, and as Minseok sings,  _ “Can I be your boyfriend, can I?”  _ they do it with him, making them  _ feel it  _ even more than they ever had, and it’s like they’re doing it together, everyone onstage, everyone in the 45,000 strong crowd. It’s  _ magic. _

Minseok hopes Chanyeol is seeing this, hopes he can feel it. New beginnings have never sounded better, and it’s because of him and Yixing. 

Minseok sings, chest surging with pride, like lightning as Jongdae hits the high note with effortless grace, and he has the most fun he’s had in so long.

The song comes to an end, simple and quick, and the roar is something they know will remain with them, so long as they live. It’s a unanimous, resounding success, and it’s relief, rolling in waves, and Minseokbreathes, taking it in.

“Wah,  _ wahhhh,”  _ Baekhyun exhales right into his microphone, patting his face with a towel as they come down from the high. Their names are being chanted, loudly, and the energy is almost  _ explosive.  _ The adrenaline runs still in Minseok’s veins, and he stands, taking formation and standing in the middle as they take in their crazy, beautiful, wild crowd. 

“Surpriseeee,” Jongdae says, laughing, and the audience cheers for them even louder, the lightsticks waving more wildly, waves in the sea of brightness. “We know you’ve been waiting for us for a long time, and we’re sorry we took so long to do this. So we wanted to give you a gift.”

“A gift!” Baekhyun says, beaming widely, “Our next comeback song, ‘Blooming Day!’ Right here first, for all of you! We prepared it very hard for all of you with our producers, and the album will be released very soon!”

“Sorry for shocking all of you,” Minseok says, and a resounding,  _ “It’s okay!!!”  _ “Please be sure not to spend too much on us, we know how you all are-”

Another deafening,  _ “No!!!”  _ and Jongdae laughs, gently reprimanding them, “Please, you already gave us almost 2 million sales last time, it’s okay!”

“Did you all like it?” Minseok asks them, and a deafening _ ”Yes!”  _ is the crowd’s reply. He smiles, and as he calms, he feels his chest tighten, but in a wonderfully grounding way. The way he needs it, when he says in a gentle tone, “We prepared it well, and we hope you like it. We know things have been hard. And it is my fault, thus I hope you accept my apology.”

A wave of cries,  _ “It’s okay’s!”,  _ and even more tears as he gets his knees down to the ground, bowing humbly before them, and he feels Jongdae and Baekhyun bow next to him, and the crowd is crying, and it’s taking everything Minseok has not to cry with them. It’s been so emotional, and so focusing, but tonight had been the balm he’d needed, the affirmation that he so desperately craved, that  _ yes,  _ he  _ is  _ meant for this, and  _ yes,  _ there are people who still support him, despite it all. 

A few moments pass, the crying not diminishing one bit, and eventually, he feels the two beside him stand, and they’re patting his back, reassuring him, until he feels strong enough to stand back up and face them all again. He breathes, sees several fans near the front and their tear-stained faces, and he’s thankful for them. Will always be thankful. 

“I’m sorry for the hardships. We have been through much these past few months together, haven’t we?” he says, and their confirmation is collective, but Minseok doesn’t feel like they’re making him feel guilty. It was a struggle for everyone, for the fans, for them as a group, for him, and for Chanyeol. It’s been hard, but they’re here  _ now.  _ “I’m apologizing to our Rosettes now. I am deeply sorry I could not, earlier on, but I hope that you can still accept us. Accept, accept me,” he says, pausing, closing his eyes as they sting. 

Another wave of tears, and there are arms hugging him from either side. He breathes, and he pushes himself to continue, “We are still your flower boys, if you should have us. I hope you do, I hope we can continue like this.”

“The tour just started, you can’t be like this on the first night,” Baekhyun says, to laughter coming up in the crowd amongst the crying, but he’s right. 

Minseok sucks in a breath, pulls himself together, says, “Right! Let’s do this together, and have fun until the end, okay?”

_ “Okay!”  _ is the resounding reply, and the three of them make their way to their next formation, waiting for the next song’s instrumental to play.

It’s then that the screens go dark, and the crowd goes quiet. Minseok blinks, confused, looking up to see Baekhyun and Jongdae look back, just as bewildered. Minseok is about to bring his mic up to his mouth again, apologizing for the technical difficulties, when the screen lights up, and a video begins to play.

It’s not something he recognizes from their rehearsals, but he realizes almost immediately that it’s a fan project for them, a beautiful video set to ‘Cry,’ and he awes with Baekhyun and Jongdae, the three of them coming together to the center of the stage to watch it properly. 

It’s beautiful, showing clips of them throughout the years, beginning from when things had been unsure and this stadium wasn’t even a dream, not even in their radar, something too big and they never thought they would find their way here, up to the last few months, the last comeback that had given them a resurgence, a new life, and how their fans have been with them, unfaltering, thankful for them, for their music. They hear it behind them as the 45,000 crowd sings along to the song, the screens on the sides lighting up with live video of them, singing, slogans saying,  _ ‘We will CHERISH you forever,’  _ and Minseok feels his chest go tighter than before, his eyes sting anew as he takes in their message, that they will always be there, the way CBX had been there for them.

There are short messages for all of them, as if things hadn't been emotional enough. But, it’s nothing compared to when the video shifts tone subtly, focusing on  _ him,  _ the emotion hitting him like a train as the fans sing to him, specifically.

Videos and pictures of him, and and Minseok crouches down to the ground, his heart ballooning widely, to the point that it hurt, and he’s unable to hold back his tears as they tell him through the messages on the screen,  _ ‘We’re sorry we could not protect you then. But we will now, and until the last step. Please be yourself, please be happy. We love you, our XiuLeader.’ _

The fans turn the banners over to reveal another message, white font on a floral background, saying,  _ ‘BE HAPPY XIU!’  _ and he can’t stop crying, feels it roll down his cheeks in continuous streams, and he turns slightly to face them instead, watching the twinkling of their phone flashlights light up the stadium in stars for them. Their message is in front of all their faces, and he cries, the acceptance, the unfaltering  _ love  _ rolling over him in waves, and he had been so,  _ so  _ scared, the fear of being rejected and sneered so crushing he would find that he could not move, and the relief he feels now. They feel like wings. 

They sing, and he feels Baekhyun and Jongdae come up next to him, standing as they pat his head, offer him a towel, and he leans on them as he crouches still, covering the bottom half of his face as he takes in the love, overwhelming, beautiful, almost unbelievable.

He tilts his head at them, knowing he looks like a mess, but he can’t look away as the song comes to an end,  _ awwing  _ and tears and  _ “It’s okay! It’s okay!”  _ replace the lyrics on their lips, and he’s so utterly thankful that they are still with them,  _ with him,  _ for this new beginning. 

He thinks of Chanyeol. Hopes he’s seeing this too, and hopes he knows that this is as much his, as much as it is Minseok’s. He hopes he can feel how much he loves him, and is so thankful for him, that he had made him feel brave enough to accept himself, and in turn, receive all this.

“What a birthday gift,” Jongdae says, smiling at the crowd, and Minseok sees the shine in his eyes, sees how moved he had been as well. He looks down at Minseok, and his smile grows softer. He says without the microphone, just for the three of them, “See? You didn’t have anything to be afraid of.”

Minseok hiccups, and he cries more, hiding his face fully behind the towel. They pat his head, and Baekhyun comes in closer, letting Minseok lean against his legs, and he sobs as Jongdae continues, “Thank you for honoring our leader. You honor us by loving him, and you have given him so much. Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Baekhyun says, smiling widely, but Minseok knows he’s just as emotional. Knowing this is confirmation of sorts, that should the time come, he can be accepted like this, too. Minseok leans in, hugging his legs, and Baekhyun laughs, leaning down to hug him in turn. “We said we were going to treat him to meat tonight after this, for his birthday, but it looks like you gave him the better gift. Don’t think we’ll be able to top it.”

“Oh,  _ whatever  _ will we do?” Jongdae bemoans, and Minseok just hides himself even more, crying and getting the towel soaked with his tears, and he hears the fans either crying with him, or telling him not to. He just cries even more, highly emotional.

Eventually, after a minute, Jongdae and Baekhyun help him stand, their arms around his waist and their cheeks on his shoulders, waiting patiently as he covers his face still, feeling a little embarrassed for crying so much, but mostly, he’s too full of gratitude, love, and he knows he’ll be thanking them all forever. 

He uncovers his face, still sniffing and his eyes still leaking some tears at the corners, and as soon as he does, the fans wail as they see his teary expression, another surge of crying, and it makes his face pinch, feeling the urge again.

“Ah, what’s this, you’re just making each other cry,” Jongdae says, patting at Minseok’s face with his hands, and Baekhyun is saying, “Will we get to sing the rest of the songs, we’ve rented this place only for so long... It’s very expensive.”

Minseok’s laugh comes out in a shudder, and he strikes his chest a few times, clearing his throat as he tries to calm himself as best as he can, has so much he wants to say.

But, somehow, with everything that’s on his mind, he’s at a loss for words. He looks out to them all, and he says, from his heart, “Thank you.”

He sobs again, and they cry. He steels himself, looking up to the ceiling as he forces the tears back in, and he says, “Ah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I keep crying, but I’m just so touched. I’m so thankful, I’m really so happy. I’ve never felt like this. Thank you. Thank you, I don’t know how to pay you all back for this, but thank you so much.”

He sniffs, and he exhales slowly, and he looks out to the sea of coral. He knows somewhere in that sea, Chanyeol is watching, and maybe crying with him. Minseok hopes he knows how much he loves him. 

“I promise to try to be happy, always,” he says, pausing as he gathers himself. “Thank you. Thank you for accepting me still as one of your flower boys.”

A surge of cheers, applause, and Jongdae and Baekhyun embrace him tightly, sharing their strength with him, as they always have. He breathes, takes it all in. Lets him accept the love, and he moves forward. 

“I’ll work hard to earn this,” he says, the stadium full of their Rosettes, his members, his company and staff, and his love as his witness. “Let’s all walk together, make this road full of flowers. Thank you.”

They finish the set, and it’s a beautiful time. Having true fun with the people who matter, who have given him everything he had been afraid to ask for, and the music filling their souls. Time seems to fly by, and they end in the highest of highs.

They leave the stage, and as soon as they make it back to the dressing room, Minseok cannot help but break into a new wave of tears, emotion running high as he struggles to take it all in. He’s hugged from all sides, Baekhyun and Jongdae and Junmyeon and all the dancers, their staff, and they cry with him, months and months of uncertainty and dealing with hate, eased exponentially within the length of a song.

The door opens, and his beautiful person comes in. Chanyeol’s face is wet, his nose red from crying, his eyes red-rimmed and wet, and he’s so  _ beautiful,  _ his smile wide and happy, and Minseok goes over to him, and before he can even ask for a kiss, Chanyeol is pulling Minseok into his arms, lowering his face to come down to his, and is kissing him, so sweetly, so lovingly, and Minseok melts into him, as he’s always done, since they were young.

Chanyeol holds him, murmuring against his lips, “I love you. I’m so proud of you,” and Minseok cries again, but he feels calm, settled.

It finally feels deserved. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much if you've read all of this, I know it's really long and a little insufferable.
> 
> title from: day after day by exo
> 
> me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/xiusikwoo)


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